Instilling tznius | Imamother

amother

Amber

Thu, Jul 19 2018, 9:08 pm

I would really love to hear thoughts on how you instill tznius awareness/understanding in your daughters, of any age. In particular, with early teens whose bodies are developing, but don't have the maturity and sensitivity yet to understand all the implications.

Ruchel

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 7:45 am

Be a role model.

Discuss halacha, not tooth rotting fluff about "boys" or "stories" (c'v).

Make it something just like any other rule. You also limit their food etc

I like that school sets limits that are actually higher up than ours, so kids know home is "cool"

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 8:57 am

Tell them that their bodies changing/development is a positive thing, preparing them for their future. Avoid any shaming or negativity at all costs! Show them that you care about their feelings, buy them tznius clothing that is also pretty and to their taste, so that they feel good about dressing with tznius. Don't obsess about any of this - show them it's a normal, natural process.

amother

Amber

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 10:34 am

Ok, let's take a specific example. Your daughter has no sensitivity to the idea that its inappropriate to walk around the house in pajamas/nightgown, etc. Her older sister and mother are careful to wear a robe on top, its been spoken about and gentle reminders given. How would you explain to her why this is necessary in a way that she can understand, accept and be happy about?

LovesHashem

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 10:41 am

amother wrote:

Sit down and explain that this is a rule in this household, explain why it is.
Validate her feelings, and end with the fact that even if she doesn't agree, understand, or want to keep this sensitivity, it is a house rule and she must respect it.

Stay very respectful and pleasant the entire time, give her room to say all her feelings and make sure she is understood, answer all her questions and finish off with if she has any more questions or concerns she can always come back to you.

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 10:49 am

amother wrote:

I have house rules that my girls need to put on a skirt/socks/zip-up when they come downstairs. I find that my teens "forget" or are lazy about this here and there. I just remind them to go back upstairs and come down more appropriately. I don't find that it's a problem for them to understand, accept, or be happy about it...it's just a lazy sort of forgetfulness...they don't need big speeches about it, just a reminder.

I also started this before the age of development (I have same rule with my 10-year-old) so it's not specifically related to that. It's easier to ingrain habits when they are younger. I'm trying to remember, but I think I was expecting this of her by 8-9 or so.....

amother

Bronze

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 11:06 am

I feel I've done the things mentioned (being a good role model, not shaming, setting house rules, not expecting them to do anything I don't, teaching that it is a way to honor/respect Hashem/oneself), but my teen girls still seem to resent tznius. Why? I don't resent it. I'm happy with my level of tznius and don't find it a burden at all, so I don't think it's my attitude rubbing off on them.

amother

Plum

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 11:16 am

amother wrote:

The school also has a big influence on the girls. In some schools, tznius is obsessed over in a shaming and blaming way. Also, there is a lot of Jewish media influence over this, contributing to the shaming and blaming.

amother

Plum

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 11:17 am

Chayalle wrote:

This is such a fantastic post. I feel like printing it out and saving it as a reference. Thank you so much for sharing!

amother

Amber

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 11:24 am

Thank you for all the great feedback.

How though, exactly, do you explain why they need to dress tzniusly when they're too young to understand or intuitively feel the implications of their changing bodies?

Chayalle

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 11:28 am

amother wrote:

Because it says so in the Torah. Like Kashrus, and Shabbos, and a host of other things....

To be exact, it's really in Navi - V'Hatznei Leches Im Elokecha.

tigerwife

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 11:54 am

amother wrote:

I’m sorry but I don’t understand what the difference is now that they are developing, unless they are walking around in bras and publicly announcing when they get their period. Tznius should be ingrained from when children are young (boys and girls). Perhaps at bas mitzvah you can have a discussion regarding whatever standards your family holds, I.e. being makpid to cover knees, collarbone and elbows now that she is responsible to keep everything. I know some people are already makpid with this as young as age three, but there is still a renewed responsibility at bas maitzvah.

If you are trying to imply that upon development, your daughters should be aware that they will be more s.xually provocative then my advice is please do not go on that path. In all of my RW BY years I have never been given reason for tznius and it was emphasized enough for positive reasons only. I can only see disgust and resentment coming from this approach. As your daughters mature they should be able to figure that out on their own.

LovesHashem

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 11:59 am

amother wrote:

The same reason they need to cover their knees and collarbone all the time, the torah says so.

amother

Blue

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 12:24 pm

amother wrote:

Here's where the bigger questions come in: Do you, as the parent, know why they need to dress tzniusly? Do you, as the parent, have sufficient comfort around the female body? Do you, as the parent, have an awareness of the shame that young girls are often ingrained with as a guise for 'tznius'?

What is it about a girl's changing body that should suddenly change her pride in her body? What is it about her development that is uncomfortable to you as the parent?

These questions may be uncomfortable to think about. But as long as you haven't searched for or achieved at least some clarity about this issue, it is understandable that you may not have clarity in how to give this over to the next generation...

tichellady

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 12:35 pm

amother wrote:

Honestly I don’t see what the issue is with walking around in pajamas/nightgown at home, unless they are specifically revealing or tight. I assume we come from different circles, but if you think it’s an issue, try to understand why it is. What do you think the issue is?

dancingqueen

Fri, Jul 20 2018, 12:51 pm

tichellady wrote:

Very interested to hear that as well.