Would you change Simcha date?

amother

Olive

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 8:26 am

We sent out save the date cards 3 weeks ago for my daughter's upcoming Bas Mitzvah. Erev Shabbos, my SIL, dh's sister, called to say they can't make it. My BIL has a big test for work the Tuesday after, and will need that Sunday to "cram". They asked us to change the date.

A bunch of other relatives already confirmed that date was good. I'm worried if I change it they won't be able to come on the new date.

We also don't want to push it off too much longer. DD's bday was in May. My SIL and BIL also have a daughter who is 12 days older than my dd. They made her bas mitzvah in June and we waited to have DD's so that everyone could enjoy my niece's simcha without any pressure of traveling around for 2 close together. (In hindsight, maybe we shouldn't have cared!)

Dd is starting to get really sad that she hasn't had her simcha yet. We had scheduled for Aug. 26th. Should we push off until the next Sunday? That is Labor Day weekend and I'm really afraid no one will come!! For DD's sake, waiting until after all the Yom Tovim in October would not be good!!!

What should we do? I'm supposed to get invitations printed tomorrow!!

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 8:29 am

No I wouldn’t. You have to do it when it’s good for you. Not everyone will be able to make it and that’s life. Just because one person in the family has to study for a test doesn’t mean the whole family can’t make it... if there is a will there is a way..

amother

Olive

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 8:40 am

Op here...
To answer questions:
-My SIL refuses to drive the distance without BIL. It's a 2 hour drive. No public transportation.
-We both have small families
I don't have siblings. Dh has 2...this one. And a brother who never comes to any of our simchas. Ever. We have the only 2 boys in the family and he didn't even come to the Bar Mitzvah of the oldest. (He's been to all my nieces' bas mitzvahs though).

My kids feel so crushed when no one comes. But this dd is also feeling sad her simcha hasn't happened yet. Ugh

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 8:43 am

He can either miss the simcha or come for a short while and then leave.
No, I dont think you should change anything. If you start changing things for one, others will tell you why its no good either. And its not a wedding.
Also, you already send out actual invites. Its done. They have to figure it out, not you guys.

studying_torah

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 8:45 am

Then who else is coming to the simcha, aside from this sibling?
It sounds like if they dont come you might not really have anyone there?
If so you might need to accommodate them as annoying as that is.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 8:46 am

Doesn’t matter the details. You can never please everyone with a date. And there can be other things that come up that will make your BIL not be able to drive another date also. Leave it for when you set it.

Rutabaga

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 9:00 am

Don't change the date. That's a ridiculous excuse. If your BIL has advance notice that he won't have that whole Sunday available to study then he should study ahead so he won't have to cram for the test. Or your SIL can drive while he studies in the passenger seat and maybe you can be really nice and offer him a quiet room to study in after he makes a brief appearance at the simcha.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 9:19 am

Coming from someone whose parents put appearances and other’s needs before their children’s emotional needs, do not push it off! Listen to your daughter. It’s her day and if she doesn’t care that her uncle can’t come then no one else should care. Sounds like you are already listening to your daughter- keep that up. Just remember that it is HER day.

Six years later and it still hurts when I think about my vort. I don’t want to go into details, but to put it simply, my parents upheld their shittos while completely ignoring my needs and emotions.

amother

Olive

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 9:23 am

Op here: Thank you for your replies. Honestly, I feel like whatever we do it's going to be wrong for someone. My BIL has been studying for 5 months now. He keeps posting on FB all the events he is attending during August, in the weeks leading up to the test. If we do keep the date, he attends and fails it'll be all our fault. Don't know what to do. Sad

amother

Coral

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 9:52 am

Don't change the date. If there was onlyonly one sibling who might attend you obviously aren't that close that you discussed the date in advance. If he makes time for other events and not this one, it is what it is. Say you are so sorry they can't make it and wish they could be there but your daughter feels bad already and you're going to just make it and you hope to spend time with them another time.

pesek zman

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 9:57 am

amother wrote:

If he spent less time on Facebook and more time studying he'd pass for sure

imasinger

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 10:12 am

You are not responsible for your BIL's test. He can choose what to do.

You can consider:
1) offering to pay for your sister's transportation;

2) inviting sister and BIL for a belated celebration with your DD after the test.

That way, she gets to still feel good, and you don't have to change the date.

amother

Gray

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 11:36 am

amother wrote:

Print the invitations for Aug 26th.

Mazel Tov - and good luck on exam to BIL.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 11:44 am

amother wrote:

You do realize realistically that that is not really the case, right? His test has nothing to do with your party. If he is already studying then one afternoon or a few hours here or there should not make THE difference.