Does anyone else struggle w/ Tisha B'Av?

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 7:21 pm

Maybe it's because I'm BT and I once had summers w/o the 3 weeks, but I really struggle with Tisha B'Av. I literally just find that I cannot even will myself to do things. I have medical reasons I should not be fasting and have psak for that. Even with the other things, though, like not greeting people, I find extremely difficult. I've also just been having a difficult time lately in life and in my Yiddishkeit and I think this is how it's manifesting. I try to be ok with it but I find it really lonely and difficult not to just schmooze with people like usual or pick up the phone to catch up with friends and family like usual. I know today is supposed to be different and feel different. BH DH is very supportive of me and holds my hand throughout my struggles in general. BH I am meeting with a Rav soon to discuss some of my feelings of disconnection from Yiddishkeit. In the meantime though I could just use some chizzuk! Does anyone else struggle with hilchos Tisha B'Av? How do you deal with it?

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 7:30 pm

My dh taught me that gd want us to love him and his torah. When I'm upset that I find mitzvahs or intentions a difficult task he reminds me we are only meant to do our best. Maybe a rav will allow you to go visit the elderly if you have the need to get out or shmooz. Don't be hard on yourself! Some years are good years for me and some years less so. That's why we are on this world- to keep trying not to hate when we fail!

amother

Beige

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 7:43 pm

It's hard to remain connected if we are not learning about the reasons why we do the things we do. Once you can mentally connect, then you can emotionally connect.

Have you ever imagined being inside the walls of Yerushalayim when the Roman soldeirs stood outside, ready to slaughter men, women, children, and even newborn babes?

Think of the children whose bodies wasted away, their swollen stomachs distended from starvation.

Think of the men and women helpless to protect their children, helpless to offer a morsel of food.

Think of the mother who so lovingly picked up her infant son and gently slit his throat, and then roasted his body over a flame, then ate him to give her strength.

Think of the pile of bodies on the mizbeach piled so high that the ones on top slithered down to the bottom. Think of the streets full of blood.

Imagine the Jewish people who did manage to escape the city alive -- only to be disemboweled by the Arabs who'd seen Yidden collecting gold coins from their dung, gold coins that they'd swallowed. 20,000 Yidden had their stomachs sliced open, their entrails ripped out -- all for a few gold coins.

Think of the remnants of the Yerushalmi Yidden fettered with chains and driven back to Rome, toiling under whip to build the Colosseum, where later they'd be sent to their deaths by savage beast or beastly man.

Imagine all of these things -- but imagine the mothers with your own face, the fathers -- with your husbands, the children's faces with your own beloved little ones.

Let the tears fall. Cry.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 7:51 pm

If it makes you feel better. Most people I spoke to today told me that they spend most of the day watching Netflix.

What do you think? You’re the only one who has a hard time with Tisha B’av? You think most people sit around crying and mourning the Bais hamikdash?

The whole reason we fast is so that there should be something to remind us. Otherwise we would go about our day normally.

The fact that you care that you have a hard time feeling the meaning of the Day means that you are a step above a lot of people.

Just keep trying and do your best. G-d doesn’t expect you to do more then that.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 8:03 pm

amother wrote:

It's hard to remain connected if we are not learning about the reasons why we do the things we do. Once you can mentally connect, then you can emotionally connect.

Have you ever imagined being inside the walls of Yerushalayim when the Roman soldeirs stood outside, ready to slaughter men, women, children, and even newborn babes?

Think of the children whose bodies wasted away, their swollen stomachs distended from starvation.

Think of the men and women helpless to protect their children, helpless to offer a morsel of food.

Think of the mother who so lovingly picked up her infant son and gently slit his throat, and then roasted his body over a flame, then ate him to give her strength.

Think of the pile of bodies on the mizbeach piled so high that the ones on top slithered down to the bottom. Think of the streets full of blood.

Imagine the Jewish people who did manage to escape the city alive -- only to be disemboweled by the Arabs who'd seen Yidden collecting gold coins from their dung, gold coins that they'd swallowed. 20,000 Yidden had their stomachs sliced open, their entrails ripped out -- all for a few gold coins.

Think of the remnants of the Yerushalmi Yidden fettered with chains and driven back to Rome, toiling under whip to build the Colosseum, where later they'd be sent to their deaths by savage beast or beastly man.

Imagine all of these things -- but imagine the mothers with your own face, the fathers -- with your husbands, the children's face with your own beloved little ones.

Let the tears fall. Cry.

I’m glad for you that you are able to connect in this way. I find it hard to mourn for the suffering that was experienced thousands of years ago. It sounded awful but their particular torture is over now, and hopefully all those poor souls are at rest now?

It’s easier for me to think of people who are suffering today in our world...

Also, I never understood the mothers killing and eating their children thing. Is that really the norm of what good people would do who were starving? Is that what starving people nowadays do? Would you and I ever do it? (Obviously I hope and pray we will never be in the position to find out!)

amother

Orange

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 8:04 pm

I feel for you OP that you are finding Yiddishkeit such a struggle. I sincerely pray for you that Hashem Helps you find the light in being a Yid.

Perhaps I should feel embarassed to write this -
I actually have the opposite: I find the 3 weeks hard - no music (the most hardest), no haircuts ... and then the 9 days are very hard for me - less showering, no laundry, not cutting nails is torturous - I can't take long nails.

Actually Tisha B'Av becomes easier for me than the rest of the 3 weeks.
I'll admit the fasting is difficult.
But what makes all the "no's" on this day easier for me.
Not meaning at all to sound arrogant chas v'Shalom -
I really think deeply into the fact that Hashem does not have His Home - the Beis Hamikdash.
I read about the churban Beis Hamikdash not just as facts but let it engulf me, imagining what a mother (like me) went through in those very tragic times. It makes me cry.

At night, my children and I sit on the floor in a circle. I read from my Tzeinah u'Renah to them about Churban Beis Hamikdash, and we get so emotional. I read it as if it's happening nowadays, c'v.
Then we dim the lights, place a lit tea candle on the floor in the centre of our circle, and holding hands we sing songs in Yiddish and Lashon HaKodesh related to galus and the Churban. Some of us harmonize. The feeling is electric of yearning and soaring to Hashem.
Asking Him. Begging Him. To bring the Geulah Sheleimah already.

songs we sing -
- e.g. Al Naharos Bavel
- The Kaliver Rebbe's song in Yiddish on his yearning for the Geulah Sheleimah
-the Yiddish song - Unter der shtut Yerushalayim
- the Yiddish song Hashiveinu...and instead of "Neshomo vu bisti?' we change it to "Moshiach vu bisti?"...

and more...

and after day chatzos zman - I'm actually glad to have a reprieve from phone conversations and socializing b/c anyway I don't have the strength for it when fasting.

This is what has worked for me and my family ke'h during Tisha B'Av's.

amother

Beige

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 8:09 pm

Something that I've learned, and am learning every year as I grow older and maybe just a bit wiser, is that people are the same in every generation.

We all love our children, we all want shalom bayis.
We have needs and hopes and wants. We all dream.
We all fear those shadows in the dark, be they real or in our minds.
The blood of those in days gone past is red like yours or mine.
Those little tortured babies? They were just as sweet as the blue-eyed infant you cradle to your bosom.
The only difference between them and us is a span of years.

Death comes welcome to none.

SuperWify

Sun, Jul 22 2018, 8:13 pm

Every year it’s a struggle. Last year was especially hard for me because I was away by my relatives who sat and watched unrelated movies all day.

Bh nowadays there are so many shuirim and Tisha B’av movies available online and in many shuls.

I also try to go to kinnos and read about the destruction. I have the book A time to Weep by R Leibel Resnick which goes through the story in detail.

I think everyone has a uncomfortable feeling towards Tisha B’av.

My personal problem of the day is being bombarded by holocaust stories (which I have utmost respect to the generation of that time) but not really hearing about the churban itself. It can feel like the destruction of European Jewry was a third temple destroyed and that generations earlier also had their churbanos but we kind of forget about them with the holocaust outshowding them all.
Before you all jump in me I’ll explain- the reason why we have all these tragedies (any pogrom, attack or killing- anything!) is because the beis Hamikdash is not rebuilt yet. It all stems from the destruction of the first temple. True, we’ve unfortunately had many many churbans after it was destroyed but let us not get lost and forget WHY we have them. Let us not for get each and every Jew who died as well as LIVED Al Kiddush Hashem.

I hope next year we will all have s day of extreme joy and celebration in the third Bais Hamikdash. Amen.

etky

Mon, Jul 23 2018, 4:10 am

As a Zionist living in Israel, my POV is obviously different than posters with different hashkafa.
Someone upthread used the work 'awkward'. I think it is a good one to describe what many DL here people feel about this day, or maybe 'ambivalence'.
On the one hand, we believe that the ingathering of the exiles and the establishment of the State of Israel and its flourishing b"h, are the harbingers of Geulah. The galut terminology does not speak to us. We believe that b"h we have, to some extent, moved on from there.

On the other hand we realize that the road to a full redemption - including be"h the establishment of a third Beit Hamikdash and the reestablishment of the intimate relationship with Hashem that it implies- is still a long one. We know that it is our responsibility to ensure that we merit the extreme chessed that Hashem has shown us by the establishment of the State. There's a gnawing feeling that we're not doing enough. If only we had a navi to guide us...

So, as we mourn the destruction of the Temples and the dispersion of the Jewish people into exile with all its accompanying persecution, we also scrutinize our society and resolve to overcome the areas of sinat chinam that plague us. We worry about certain anti-religious trends within the staunchly secular segments of society and about the seemingly mounting alienation between sub-groups in Israeli society. We are also concerned for the overall Jewish character of the public sphere which has suffered attrition in recent years.

There is a thread about "making my Jewish heart cry on Tisha B'Av". I opened it thinking that it was surely addressing the campaign underway this year to keep places of entertainment open in major Israeli cities on erev TIsha B'Av. Yes, we have a long road ahead of us....

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jul 23 2018, 4:44 am

On reflection I realised something actually this year. We ARE disconnected. It HAS changed. Less restrictions than in the past on laundry and particularly washing during the 9 days. Easier than earlier generations to get a heter to break the fast. People watching videos, whereas a generation ago there would be no films at all during the 9 days.

I think it is part of the process of moving from it being a day of mourning to a Yom tov. And that is pretty exciting actually!

amother

Navy

Mon, Jul 23 2018, 5:41 am

What helps me to internalize the grief is to think about the shoah. Which wouldn't have happened without the churban. Also, when I am occupying myself with the children (instead of reading kinnos or tisha beav books) I tell myself that raising a Jewish family is MY answer to the churban. Even if I don't manage to really feel the grief for the beis hamikdash, the fact that you and I are raising frum Jewish children in the 21st century is the best answer to the churban. So don't feel guilty!!!

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Jul 23 2018, 6:21 am

amother wrote:

I hope that none of us or anyone of Am Israel will never ever have to understand it. It's a good sign which shows one had never been hungry. My mother a"h told me that during WW2 in Stalingrad Russia, the Germans had the city closed up for approx a year or even more. There were no food coming into the city and there were cases of cannibalism (lo aleinu!)

etky

Mon, Jul 23 2018, 6:42 am

amother wrote:

Obviously it's not the normative thing to do, even for starving people.
However, it appears as a phenomenon not only in Eicha but also in the curses in parshat Ki Tavo. We are warned there that this would be our lot if we failed to uphold our part of the covenant, which we unfortunately did- and Hashem's harsh words were indeed fulfilled.
The imagery is so horrific that I just don't dwell on it. I don't think we can fathom this.