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The Surrendered Wife: What's the deal on it?
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 11:53 am
It seems from this site that you either love it or hate it.
Would you recommend it to women that are not dealing with abuse/addiction or anything in a severe category but rather normal marriage challenges?

I'm thinking to read it..
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Rachel Shira




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 12:20 pm
Well, that’s who it’s geared for. You still might love it or hate it. I liked most of it in theory and disregarded what I didn’t like.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 12:23 pm
#handmaidstale
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 12:28 pm
I think it has some good insights. As with any book, take what feels right for you and your situation, leave the rest.

I've been trying to implement some suggestions in the book and they really helped my marriage. Letting go over stupid things. Not arguing, not criticizing. Accepting him as he is. I wouldn't go so far as to give him total control over finances.
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 12:31 pm
it is actually not for ppl dealing with abuse and addictions but more for normal marriages.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 12:40 pm
I would highly recommend it for ppl with reg marriages, especialy the ones that husband is not taking responsibilities. It is a torahdik approach to roles of husband & wife in a marriage. In response to the poster who said she wouldn't give her husband full responsibility of finances, according to ketubah the husband has to provide for his wife UNLESS she takes control of finances, so y would u do that? Let the brachah come in to finances by taking a step back & ur life will be a lot less stressful!
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 12:42 pm
I forgot to write that it is written by a non jew so it's not a torahdik guide but the concepts she writes match the ones you can find in the torah like the rambam & other sources. Sorry for mistakenly not writing it..
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 12:49 pm
I feel like the people who don't like it have unfortunately really serious issues. For regular marriages it is UNBELIEVABLE. I can't stress enough how amazing this book is
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amother
Crimson


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 1:02 pm
Another happy wife reader here.

IF you find you have a bit of a strong personality, and like to take control or argue sometimes, but your marriage has enough old times, this book is for you.
It only enhances.

She clearly wrote that it is NOT for abusive marriages.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 1:16 pm
amother wrote:
Another happy wife reader here.

IF you find you have a bit of a strong personality, and like to take control or argue sometimes, but your marriage has enough old times, this book is for you.
It only enhances.

She clearly wrote that it is NOT for abusive marriages.

Even if you don't have a strong personality and don't have a need to take control or argue, you can gain from the book.
If you "swallow" a lot and give in a lot, or even if you've never had good times in your marriage, but your DH is not abusive, unfaithful or an addict, this book is for you.
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simba




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 1:19 pm
I personally have not read it but have heard a lot about it. You can learn the same concepts through a Torah source if you really want to. Unfortunately no one went and collected all the Torah sources and presented them this well.

I recently joined a series of shiurim by Mrs. Mindy Koenig from BP. She basically taught the same action items through Torah sources and I really appreciated that.

If you trust yourself to sift through it and find what works for you and not just follow it blindly then I don't see any harm in reading it.
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mammale




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 1:22 pm
I am reading the empowered wife ( Laura Doyle's newest book), and really enjoying it, and the effect on my marriage. What I wonder about is how it is different from her previous books?
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 1:38 pm
amother wrote:
#handmaidstale

#blessedbethefruit
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amother
White


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 1:47 pm
My kallah teacher specifically told me not to read it, and when she showed it to her rav(a major posek in BP) he said it was not Jewish and antithetical in various ways to Torah...safe to say I never read it.

Honestly everything I've heard it wouldn't make sense for me and my husband regardless. He controls our finances anyway because it stresses me out and he's the one making money, though I weigh in on investments as he enjoys discussing these things with me and getting my opinion.

I try not to critique my husband, because there are plenty if Torah sources for that, but I'm also his ezer kenegdo so if he's driving the wrong direction you better believe I correct him and he's grateful!

My point ultimately, there's probably better sources for many of the concepts in the book that people do find helpful without having to wade through the unsavory bits. I personally enjoy Rabbi Twerski's books on family and marriage.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 3:04 pm
I liked it, makes a lot of sense but I can't say I implemented anything concrete, the ideas in it are good to hear anyway even if you dont make a huge overhaul
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 3:09 pm
OP here.

Interesting responses.
It seems based on most answers that if I know how to filter it, it can be a good tool.
But I'm curious about those who referenced the handmaid's tale: Do you think this book advocates for such extremism? Does it put down women and advocate for men being able to take advantage of them?
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amother
Tan


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 3:25 pm
amother wrote:
I feel like the people who don't like it have unfortunately really serious issues. For regular marriages it is UNBELIEVABLE. I can't stress enough how amazing this book is


Or who have good relationships with their husbands - and read it just to see what it was. The character presented of the wife who needs to 'modify her behaviors' doesn't describe me.

The idea that a man needs control over the finances is irrational to me if woman is better suited for that responsibility.

Dh and I nurture each other well - based on each other needs. We are both intuitive and sufficiently communicative enough to do this.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 3:26 pm
amother wrote:
OP here.

Interesting responses.
It seems based on most answers that if I know how to filter it, it can be a good tool.
But I'm curious about those who referenced the handmaid's tale: Do you think this book advocates for such extremism? Does it put down women and advocate for men being able to take advantage of them?


I'm sure your local library has a copy.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 3:31 pm
My aunt loves it. Her husband is a control freak and she really gained her confidence from it.
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Rachel Shira




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 4:58 pm
I don’t understand why people get so hung up on the fact that there are things in her books that don’t jive with them. Isn’t that with everything? Whenever I read something, there are things I agree with and things I don’t. I don’t feel the need to disregard an entire book because of a concept or two I’d rather not put into practice.
Read the book and see for yourself what you like about it. I also don’t get the fear mongering about it being antithetical to yiddishkeit. I didn’t find that at all.
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