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What are pros & cons of kids sharing room



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newmom770




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 1:09 pm
Hi,

My kids are getting older, my eldest is a tween and has started asking for her own room.

Western society has been very into independence which can lead to a higher level of issolation. I think if my girls share a room throughout their teen years, in the long run they will be closer and more connected.
On the other hand, people need privacy.

There are things I can work around eg. If she want some alone time in a private space during the day, I could possible have a room somewhere that she can go to. Or if the issue is the younger ones make more mess, I could work on having a better organisation system that makes putting things away easier or maybe have them keep their toys in another room. (My next daughter is aprox 3 yrs younger). I would even be willing to put a curtain that she can close around her bed lol.
But maybe im wrong and if I am able to, I should let her have her own room.

So please tell me what you think about it and what was your personal experience growing up either sharing a room or not.
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newmom770




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 1:10 pm
Ps im not such a new mom anymore but I dont know how to change my user name.
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 2:25 pm
I shared a room with 3 sisters - 2 bunkbeds and nowhere near enough closet space for four girls 😆 we even had a trundle bed that came out for when a friend slept over! #whatispersonalspace

I’m very close with them, though I’m the oldest and I moved out by the time the next two were in 9th and 10th grade, which is when a lot more drama started to erupt.

I was a homebody who loved teaching myself graphics programs and video editing, so I spent much of my home time on the family computer in the living room. My next two sisters were more social and were the type to go to friends’ houses to do homework and study. So our room was really just a place for bed to sleep in and clothes storage. Anything else was either in a shared public space (living room etc) or not in our house.

-

Now I have two boys and giving them each their own room is the only way to prevent constant physical violence. Older DS (8) is very territorial and younger DS (5) has no concept of leaving other people’s property alone (he is constantly in my purse, climbing onto counters to reach cabinets, etc).
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 2:37 pm
I think that there is a lot of benefit in sharing a room. You learn how to get along with others, be considerate of someone else's needs. It can really be an exercise in improving your middos.

I have 3 boys my oldest and youngest share a room and the middle has his own (he has a very hard time sleeping and tends to wake everyone up). My oldest is learning to be considerate of the toddler, not to yell and scream or bother him when hes sleeping. He also likes to get him out of his bed in the morning and hes very sweet with him. I assume as they get older their rooms will be more for sleeping and less for hanging out since the school day only gets longer. We have other spaces in the house to chill.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 2:52 pm
I think a lot depends on the ages of the kids and their personalities. My two oldest are boys who have always shared a room, with no option of splitting when they were young due to lack of space. At times they were at each other's throats, but mostly they got along. They are now 19 and 17 and rarely home, but when they are both home at the same time they genuinely enjoy being together. I know this because my older son was just home for one night between yeshiva and camp and his brother happened to get strep that day. I suggested that my older one sleep in the guest room to avoid being infected, and he said "I don't want to miss the one night I have to catch up with my brother!" I think sharing definitely brought them closer.

My girls, on the other hand, are 15 and almost 13 and they are both begging us to split them into separate rooms. They get along, but have such different personalities and I am constantly getting complaints of "her stuff is all over the desk, she's too loud when I'm trying to sleep in the morning, she grinds her teeth so I can't fall asleep at night, she's always on the phone..." (the kvetching comes from both of them). They would probably be better friends if they did not share a room! I'm not ready to give up my guest room yet...
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 3:00 pm
I don't know any large family where kids each have a room. Add the parents and that can make over 5 rooms. Impossible. You deal.
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nylon




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 3:45 pm
Yes, with bigger families you deal.

But this doesn't sound like dealing, it sounds like a choice--that sharing a room is empirically better for the girls' relationship. It may be for some girls but not others. My sister and I (less than a year apart) begged for separate rooms. We got along much better when separated.

Some kids are like oil and water together and their relationship is better when they're separated. (Again speaking of a situation where both are viable options.) It can also be, with some kids, about respecting their different sensory needs, or respecting an introvert's need for space and privacy.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 3:48 pm
nylon wrote:
Yes, with bigger families you deal.

But this doesn't sound like dealing, it sounds like a choice--that sharing a room is empirically better for the girls' relationship. It may be for some girls but not others. My sister and I (less than a year apart) begged for separate rooms. We got along much better when separated.

Some kids are like oil and water together and their relationship is better when they're separated. (Again speaking of a situation where both are viable options.) It can also be, with some kids, about respecting their different sensory needs, or respecting an introvert's need for space and privacy.


I agree. When there's no choice, you manage. It's not a necessity by any means. But deciding if it's beneficial to the relationship will depend on the relationship. If my sister and I had been forced to share a room, it would have seriously damaged an already strained relationship.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 4:28 pm
I shared with my sister (2 years younger) my whole life, until she got married before me. We never got along. There was no choice, weren’t enough bedrooms in our house for each of us and nowhere else for privacy. It damaged any hope of a decent relationship between us, to this day. If we would have had separate rooms perhaps we would have gotten along better. Who knows.
But most of my memories from my childhood involve being annoyed at her.
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newmom770




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 5:29 pm
Thank you everyone for your replies
For those who said sharing room did not help the sibling relationship, what signs would tell me that the room sharing is detrimental?
To confirm, right now giving my eldest a separate room is possible.
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OBnursemom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 5:34 pm
newmom770 wrote:
Thank you everyone for your replies
For those who said sharing room did not help the sibling relationship, what signs would tell me that the room sharing is detrimental?
To confirm, right now giving my eldest a separate room is possible.


I would ask them if they want to share a room. If they don’t, finding out why could be instructive.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Mon, Jul 23 2018, 7:59 pm
My children shared rooms when they were growing up. They didn't need to because in theory I had the space for them to have their own rooms but I felt that it would teach them to get a long with others better and be more considerate and flexible. When they got older (post high school) they spread out a bit, but often on weekends they will still bunk up together. FYI two were close in age and the others were 11 years apart. I think, especially in the case of the second two it made them closer than they would have been had they not shared a room.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Tue, Jul 24 2018, 8:47 am
newmom770 wrote:
Thank you everyone for your replies
For those who said sharing room did not help the sibling relationship, what signs would tell me that the room sharing is detrimental?
To confirm, right now giving my eldest a separate room is possible.

What signs? Lots of yelling, from my experience. My sister and I fought almost daily.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, Jul 24 2018, 9:30 am
My sister and I are a year apart and shared a room until we were about 13/14 years old. Let's just say it wasn't pretty. We were very different (one neat one messy...) and constantly fought both verbally as well as physically. When we were in our early teens my parents did some renovations and added several bedrooms, which allowed us to each have our own room. Once we had separate rooms we started to get along much better. B"H we now get along fine but if we had needed to share a room until adulthood I'm not sure if we'd still be on speaking terms with each other. If you have the option of giving separate rooms and you see that there is friction between the two of them I would say it's best to separate them.
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amother
Olive


 

Post Tue, Jul 24 2018, 9:52 am
My kids are 3 and 5 and we currently live in a house with 3 bedrooms upstairs and a guest room downstairs.
So they each have their own rooms.
But I'm dreading what it's going to be like once they need to share.
My guess is, when the little one will be around 6, it'll work out. But until then. Shudder.
So they are in separate rooms.

Growing up there were 4 bedrooms (other than master) for 3 children to choose from.... I slept with my brother until he went away to yeshiva when I was about 7 years old.
Then I slept with my sister. She got married a year before me. I never liked sleeping alone, but I enjoyed the peace and quiet.

My sister has 8 children kyh in a 5 bedroom apt. Her oldest got her own room. (Sleep issues) And the 3 little ones shared the biggest room. It worked out best this way.
Another sister had also 8 kids in a 4 bedroom house. So that. Means 3 bedrooms for 8 kids. She had her house built according to her needs so she chose to make one huge room for all the boys and even had a foster boy stay with them for a long while. They fought at first but with lots of parental involvement and love they learned to get along beautifully. And they are vastly different personalities but now when most of them are married, they are very close!

So it depends a LOT on personatily, how big the rooms are, ages, gender, and parental involvement in helping the exoerience be positive and the children going from it.


Personally, I believe that room sharing, when possible, is better.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Tue, Jul 24 2018, 9:59 am
Room sharing is definitely healthier. Why for some they hold resentment issues toward it would definitely have to be due to the approach used and how challenges were dealt with. Giving seperate rooms is in my opinion the easy way out. Learning to navigate and compromise thru the struggles will give your child tremendous skills to use in a life and marriage. But if you can't deal with the issues that will definitely arise than you may be better off giving her her own room.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Tue, Jul 24 2018, 10:08 am
I have very mixed feelings about this. I'm an introvert and need my own space desperately. Growing up, I always shared a room but with a much younger sister because our personalities meshed better than the one closest in age to me. I was resentful of sharing a room. I remember the night before my wedding, I had my sister sleep elsewhere for that night and I thought, "Amother, this is the last time in your life you get to sleep yourself in a room." It was a seriously depressing thought at the time. (BH I love my DH very much and when he's not home, I have a hard time falling asleep...)

However, had my mother forced me to sleep with my sister closest in age, I would have been miserable. She is an outgoing, social kid who was always on the phone till late at night, having friends over to study. I would have felt invaded by her.

With my kids, when they were much younger, they needed to be separate because they never fell asleep together. I had one sleep in the dining room!!! Now, I have them in the same room but the layout is such that their beds are very far from each other and not facing, so when they're in bed, they're not on top of each other like in our old house. Then again,they're boys. I can see girls needing more space and if you have the option, I would give them separate spaces.
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nylon




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 24 2018, 11:22 am
I don't think it's the "easy way out" at all.

I'm strongly introverted, needed quiet to study and stay on track, and liked to stay up to read.

My sister was my exact opposite: extroverted, talkative, had her friends over all the time, talked on the phone for hours, liked to play music. She always needed noise and company.

(For the kicker--she could not sleep without a light on, and I couldn't sleep with it on!)

We weren't a good match for keeping together. She didn't mind it quite as much as I did because she liked company, but the lights issue made her happier by herself.
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