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Sticky situation
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Leriem




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 10:45 pm
Hi would you handle it if you keep being invited for a Shabbat meal by a neighbor whom you really aren’t fond of and have nothing in common with, plus you’re very unsure about her knowledge of all the areas of kashrut? How many excuses can I come up with, and she keeps asking?
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happymom123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 10:51 pm
Just say you like eating at home but will would love to host her when you can. Then invite her once or twice
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simba




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 10:51 pm
Does she see you taking up other invites?
I managed to avoid one for years!
I just told her I don't like eating out on Shabbos.
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Boca00




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 10:58 pm
"Thanks so much for the invite! My husband just doesn't like going out for meals..." Or "After a long week, my husband just wants to be home, but thanks for thinking of us!"

And, if you're feeling extra nice, "Would you like to come to us?"

Edit- I see I cross-posted. Such is what happens when you get busy mid-post.


Last edited by Boca00 on Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:01 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Leriem




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:00 pm
Boca00 wrote:
"Thanks so much for the invite! My husband just doesn't like going out for meals..." Or "After a long week, my husband just wants to be home, but thanks for thinking of us!"

And, if you're feeling extra nice, "Would you like to come to us?"


That’s just it, I’m really not interested in inviting them either for several reasons...I just want her to stop asking. Don’t know why she can’t take a hint.
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Leriem




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:01 pm
simba wrote:
Does she see you taking up other invites?
I managed to avoid one for years!
I just told her I don't like eating out on Shabbos.


Yes she probably does know we eat at others’ homes...
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:10 pm
Just to put a totally different spin on this- ok I get if you are TRULY worried about kashrut you might decline. But are you really worried or is it just am excuse? And on any case- what is SO TERRIBLE about this other person that you have to say no to having her over, perhaps with a bunch of other people if it would be easier for you?

Ask yourself your question - "what do *I* need to work on more: Assertively saying 'no'? OR "hachnasat orchim"???

(and btw having friends over isn't really hachassat orchim)
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Leriem




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:18 pm
amother wrote:
Just to put a totally different spin on this- ok I get if you are TRULY worried about kashrut you might decline. But are you really worried or is it just am excuse? And on any case- what is SO TERRIBLE about this other person that you have to say no to having her over, perhaps with a bunch of other people if it would be easier for you?

Ask yourself your question - "what do *I* need to work on more: Assertively saying 'no'? OR "hachnasat orchim"???

(and btw having friends over isn't really hachassat orchim)


No, I’m not making an excuse by citing the kashrut issue, I know for a fact they are much less Machmir than we are. And yes it is a very hard situation, because she is not 100% and she has several very difficult (to put it mildly) children and I just don’t want to encourage the friendship or social situation at all.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:20 pm
How about just: Thank you, but I don't think it will work for us.
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simba




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:21 pm
Leriem wrote:
No, I’m not making an excuse by citing the kashrut issue, I know for a fact they are much less Machmir than we are. And yes it is a very hard situation, because she is not 100% and she has several very difficult (to put it mildly) children and I just don’t want to encourage the friendship or social situation at all.


Just repeatedly say "no thank
You" she will either get the hint or not. You don't mind if she does because you are not looking to further the relationship.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:21 pm
Leriem wrote:
No, I’m not making an excuse by citing the kashrut issue, I know for a fact they are much less Machmir than we are. And yes it is a very hard situation, because she is not 100% and she has several very difficult (to put it mildly) children and I just don’t want to encourage the friendship or social situation at all.


Inviting them over once doesn't mean you're encouraging anything beyond being kind to a fellow Jew.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:34 pm
In such situations, I made sure to invite them over for a meal. If they see or hear you having guests and going to others, they might feel really bad. Hachnosas orchim is not just about having your good friends, it's about being hospitable to anyone who needs.
Graciously invite them one week, and be as normal as you can around them. If you need to, speak to your children about being nice to them beforehand. You don't have to go all out preparing for the meal, or get really chummy either. You can have as pleasant as meal as possible and they can walk away happy.
The next time they attempt to invite you, you will have a better opportunity to get out of the meal. It wont be rejecting them as people. By nicely explaining the kashrus situation, you rather be home quiet that week or have other arrangements, they wont be as disappointed hanging up the phone.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:47 pm
Look at it as an opportunity to go out of your way in order to make her feel good. A rejected feeling is so so terrible, its literally physical pain. Just go and feign a stomachs ache so u don't have to eat much, or maybe offer her that u can help her out and bring food, like you'll cook some parts of meal and shell cook other half. You will be rewarded for this forever, and its just one hour for you. Maybe try putting yourself in her position...... good luck!
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:50 pm
"I'll take your number and ill call you when the time is right "
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:51 pm
" I'm already scheduled for the next year, ill let you know when I'm available "
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 25 2018, 11:54 pm
AYLOR about the less-machmir factor.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 12:00 am
amother wrote:
Inviting them over once doesn't mean you're encouraging anything beyond being kind to a fellow Jew.


I must say I'm surprised at this response and the ones following that insinuate OP is doing something wrong by not inviting this woman she is not interested in forming a close relationship with.

They are already neighbors, so it is naturally hard to set boundaries.

Inviting them or going to them will automatically make the other party feel things are progressing towards a close friendship, and things will probably erupt, in the end, in a very unhappy explosion for everyone.

There is a neighbor that I find very distasteful in her mannerisms, dress, speech and worldview. I was advised to: Be nice to her, but do not be with her.
In other words, don't let her think you are buddies -- but she is a Yid and she deserves to be given respectful greetings, etc. But we aren't chummy.

OP, I recommend the same to you.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 12:48 am
Deleted. Would appreciate if you quoted me down thread that you delete it as well. I probably way overreacted to this OP as I was seriously triggered by it.
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 1:16 am
Leriem wrote:
Hi would you handle it if you keep being invited for a Shabbat meal by a neighbor whom you really aren’t fond of and have nothing in common with, plus you’re very unsure about her knowledge of all the areas of kashrut? How many excuses can I come up with, and she keeps asking?


I don't want to come because

a... I don't like you

b.. We have nothing in common

c... My kasrus is much better than your because I'm so wonderful and you're not

d... Did I mention I don't like you

No need to play games
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 1:22 am
amother wrote:
Do you not like her because she schmoozes in the supermarket aisle or because she talks in shul?

https://www.imamother.com/foru.....1a0c6


https://www.imamother.com/foru.....4c6d0


I think this belongs on Now Trending.

https://www.imamother.com/foru.....42054
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