When people with huge dietary restrictions invite themselves

watergirl

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:18 pm

I got a text from a young woman asking to join us for shabbos lunch. We’ve had her a few times before. AFTER I tell her we’d love her to join us, she rattles off a long list of new diet things. She’s eating “clean”. I told her that we always do the same food; cholent, kugel, salad, fish, and that I’ll make her grilled chicken with spices and that I wont dress the salad (she can make an oil/vinegar dressing at my house if she wishes). I get the impression that its not what she had hoped. Like, she wants me to make her a kugel that she can eat.

Is there a difference between catering to the dietary needs of your guests if you’ve invited them, as opposed to the dietary whims (this is a current fad for her)? And is there a difference between catering to a guest who had been invited, as opposed to a guest who’s invited herself?

What would you do?

Last edited by watergirl on Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:25 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Violet

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:23 pm

I think your response was fine.

I think there is a very big difference between someone who doesn't eat a specific ingredient because of an allergy or someone who chooses not to eat something for personal preference.
I'd be a lot quicker to offer for the allergy and probably would not for the second.

But even then there is a limit. I would think expecting a kugel - even someone with a true allergy - is a huge request -because it is additional effort to your menu.

zaq

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:26 pm

Of course there is. When you invite, you take responsibility. When you are imposed upon, you don’t. I would tell the young lady, in an appropriately regretful tone of voice of voice, that I’m terribly sorry that circumstances render me unable to accommodate her needs at this time and we’ll be happy to host her should a time come when she no longer labors under such restrictions.

If she’s normal, one of two things will happen: either she’ll decide that she can live with your original offer, or she’ll promise to call you when she goes back to conventional eating. If she’s not normal, let us know how she reacted.

watergirl

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:39 pm

zaq wrote:

Ok thanks.

I told her what I am and I’m not willing to do, to which she replied with two more items that she cannot eat. One of which is canola oil, which even though it is not politically correct to admit anymore, I buy by the gallon. I told her that any kugel we make will have canola, sorry. No reply yet.

If she still carries on, I will definitely tell her that she can give me a call back when she goes back to conventional eating, I like that! She is literally one of these people who takes pictures of her diet food and post it online with every meal.

OBnursemom

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:43 pm

watergirl wrote:

I would pretty much say that I’m unable to accommodate her at this time. Why did she ask you if she knows you don’t eat that way?

watergirl

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:48 pm

OBnursemom wrote:

I would pretty much say that I’m unable to accommodate her at this time. Why did she ask you if she knows you don’t eat that way?

I have no idea why she asked to come. She invites herself often, I often say its not a good week for us. She’s had different diet things in the past but they were pretty easy for me to accommodate, like she doesn’t eat red meat. Great, I don’t buy red meat because it’s too expensive. So really not accommodating that. Maybe she thought that the lack of redmeat at my table was accommodating? In the past, she’s generally been able to eat the things that we’ve served I guess, this is pretty new for her I think.

Raisin

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 3:56 pm

I have literally every week people with restrictions, some self imposed, some not. I find vegans the hardest but I usually have something for them. Dips, side dishes, avocados.And some vegans don't mind the egg in my challah (or they don't ask). I give them pita if they do. None of them ever complain or ask me to make extra food. Of course I am the type to make myself nuts. (once, erev yom tov someone invited themselves, and they were vegans. I stupidly went to the trouble of making a special dish for them, which at the meal they told me they were allergic to.)

Most people are very polite, this guest of yours sounds off.

tichellady

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 6:33 pm

watergirl wrote:

This isnt rude?

I would say it a little differently but I think it’s fine. She’s being rude. You can say “ we would love to have you over but I am not going to have time to go shopping again and this is what I’m making that you can eat ( insert if anything applies, if nothing applies then leave out). Feel free to bring something for yourself to the meal. “

teachkids

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 6:35 pm

You offered her a main and 1 side (salad) that fit her needs, that's plenty if she has dietary restrictions. As someone with allergies I tell people not to go out of their way beyond just making sure there's 1 thing I can eat. You can mention that you don't have time to make an extra kugel this week, but you're happy to try some of her gourmet sides if she wants to bring something along.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 6:41 pm

watergirl wrote:

This isnt rude?

Under the circumstances, no. And it is totally normal for guests to ask what they should bring. Depending on the relationship and community standards, the answer could be anything from "oh, just your appetite" to assigning salads or desserts or kugel. Someone who frequently invites herself probably feels close to the host or at least comfortable with casual arrangements, and shouldn't take offense at being invited to take a more active role. It might even make her feel more included.

watergirl

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 6:41 pm

tichellady wrote:

Thats actually perfect, I wish I had said that.

amother

Olive

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 6:56 pm

I had a guest who made me cry out of frustration with her diet restrictions... it’s really a sickness I realized when a person can’t give in at times like when they are a guest or at a simcha or traveling... Someone who could inconvenience her hostess to such an extent is really not normal. Years ago I put myself on a weight loss diet (not for health reasons) and when I was a guest I would let them know beforehand that I was bringing some of my own food. The guest I had who made me insane wouldn’t eat anything with sugar, flour, milk, tomato sauce, potatoes .... the list goes on...
now she asked if she could come again.... and I simply said “no”!

amother

Tan

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 6:56 pm

teachkids wrote:

Be careful with this. She may decide that she won't come this week but next week instead, to give you time to make the special things.

It sounds like she has identified you as someone who has and will accomodate her (even if it was incidental, she doesn't know that.) So she is confused and disappointed now. I would stick firm in being caring and reasonable by making her the chicken and doing the undressed salad. If she eats it and you have it, you can throw a sweet potato in the microwave some time before shabbos and have that for her. But she needs to understand the reality that she can be simultaneously wanted and not fully accomodated. I know someone like this, and the two can get conflated. If you can hold this line, you may be doing her a favor.

tymama

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 7:04 pm

My dh has a very limited diet due to his health but when we’re invited out I will only mention it if they ask. Otherwise I’ll have something prepared at home so he can eat before or after the meal. We go out for the company not the food

nechamashifra

Thu, Jul 26 2018, 7:15 pm

How rude of her. I don't understand the point of eating out with such dietary restrictions. Why can't she eat at home and then come and visit you in the afternoon for tea and organic celery sticks?