Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
When people with huge dietary restrictions invite themselves
Previous  1  2  3  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 4:34 pm
Wow how rude. I really don't mind accommodating people with allergies/medical needs, or people who are vegetarian and vegan (because that's all pretty easy), but people who invite themselves then rattle of their latest fad diet restrictions rub me the wrong way. Really the wrong way.

I have a good friend who has some very specific food needs stemming from real medical issues. She ALWAYS volunteers to bring her own food, her family can eat whatever I prepare. She is so accommodating of her hosts and hates to feel like she's imposing. That is really mentschlik behavior on her part. She would never impose like this girl.
Back to top

amother
Olive


 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 4:40 pm
nechamashifra wrote:
How rude of her. I don't understand the point of eating out with such dietary restrictions. Why can't she eat at home and then come and visit you in the afternoon for tea and organic celery sticks?



Organic celery sticks!!’ Lol!!!!!!!!!!
Back to top

amother
Bronze


 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 4:45 pm
amother wrote:
I had a guest who made me cry out of frustration with her diet restrictions... it’s really a sickness I realized when a person can’t give in at times like when they are a guest or at a simcha or traveling... Someone who could inconvenience her hostess to such an extent is really not normal. Years ago I put myself on a weight loss diet (not for health reasons) and when I was a guest I would let them know beforehand that I was bringing some of my own food. The guest I had who made me insane wouldn’t eat anything with sugar, flour, milk, tomato sauce, potatoes .... the list goes on...
now she asked if she could come again.... and I simply said “no”!


I have a real sickness so no I can never change my diet even at a simcha.
That said, I eat before or after a meal or bring my own food. I don't even bother mentioning to a host unless to say "thanks for the invite btw I'm on a super restricted diet so make whatever you want but don't be offended if I can't eat it all"
Back to top

amother
Copper


 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 5:23 pm
what bronze said

you did right WG -- so long as there is something the guest can eat thats more than fine.

to ask for more....well, its just off and doesn't have to be accommodated.

Just stick to your boundaries most warmly.

you said you should've said something the thing is that these type of behaviors catch us all by surprise! Because they are not the norm!
Back to top

watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 6:51 pm
Ok thanks everyone for validating me and helping me see that my reply to her was ok!
Back to top

Chana Miriam S




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 8:31 pm
So funny this came up tonight. We got together with friends tonight and the hostess was clearly, in our conversation unaware of how low carb works. I’m busy and knew the restaurant she was suggesting we get food from has almost nothing we can eat. I told her that I’d bring dinner and that she didn’t need to worry.

I got 4 gorgeous rib steaks, green beans and mushrooms. The host grilled with olive oil and salt and we agreed that next time it’d be them cooking. I just didn’t have time to explain to them what we do.

I often bring my own food when I suspect people will not have stuff that I eat. I tell them that we are actually super simple - no sugars/sweetener/no grains/starchy stuff but all vegetables and meAts and fish. Honest, salt pepper and olive oil is enough for us. People get overwhelmed, but it’s really very simple. So I do what I need to do to be able to eat with my friends and hopefully not make more work for anyone. I’m more than willing to bring my own, and tell my hosts so.

As a hostess, I ASK pre emptively about food allergies, likes and dislikes. Once someone told me they had none but it turned out they were vegetarian. And that was the time I put lamb fat in the broccoli. Thank god I had some leftover egg salad and other vegetables.
Back to top

flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 8:36 pm
I invited a guest last week that was a diabetic. I made sure to have special dishes for him.

But when it comes to diet- eat your lettuce on your own kitchen table! One person always used to invite herself and she is always on a massive diet. All she would nibble on was some salmon and thats it. It was really annoying. I can’t serve a 3 course meal with air on the plate.
Back to top

amother
Pink


 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 8:55 pm
In this case it does sound like she is being rude and demanding and I think you absolutely did the right thing.

But there were some people here who said things like, "why not eat at home and visit later" or were offended by guests who didn't each much. I'm genuinely curious, why does it bother you if someone doesn't eat?

I have a lot of food aversions. Not allergies or diet-related. Just aversions and things that I feel sick from smelling, let alone eating. But when I go out, I don't go for the food. I go for the company. I find something to eat, even if it's just challah and a spoonful of something else I put on my plate so as not to be so obvious about not eating, and it doesn' bother me in the slightest. I enjoy the company and the conversation.

When the host starts analyzing what's on my plate and pressuring me to eat or explain what and why I am or am not eating - it is extremely uncomfortable.
Back to top

amother
Hotpink


 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 9:15 pm
watergirl wrote:
This isnt rude?


Not if said nicely. The poster after me did a nice job. I find that for people who are really specific about their food intake, there's a lot less stress when they don't have to worry if I understood correctly what they can and cannot eat. Anyone who feels comfortable enough to invite herself over for a meal should be comfortable bringing food.

(Yes, I accommodate for celiac or nut allergies or low-carb, but some diets are just too restrictive for me.)
Back to top

amother
Powderblue


 

Post Thu, Jul 26 2018, 11:49 pm
You all sound like very thoughtful guests.

Can I just plays Devil's Advocate here for all who don't forewarn their hostess and are happy to eat at home or pick at challah or whatever?

I've invited you because I like you and I want to feed you. I've planned a menu and cooked up a storm. I want you to eat!

So please tell me beforehand what I can give you. You don't have to demand, you can say you're happy to pick at whatever and you're not expecting special treatment, you know your diet is tricky - but I'm not a mindreader and you're not even giving me the choice of whether I can be bothered to accommodate you or not Sad
Back to top

LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 12:58 am
We hosted a vegan couple once knowing fully that they were vegan. But we enjoyed it, we got to make so much salads and vegetables based dishes. They also brought some dishes, their own bread, a desert and wine. I think if she has a lot of restrictions she should bring some of her own food.
Back to top

amother
Indigo


 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 2:41 am
I don't think the issue was the diet as much as it was her being "unhappy" with what the host offered to make for her. Had she said "thank you so much that sounds amazing", there would have been no issue. I live in Jerusalem and my DH teaches at tons of seminaries. I always have a table full of people and do what I can to make sure people can eat at the meals. We always like to say, "everyone is entitled to one weird eating issue and expect a full meal" You can be a vegetarian but not vegetarian and gluten free. once you have more then one you can only expect a dish or two that works for you!!
Back to top

watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 4:36 am
amother wrote:
I don't think the issue was the diet as much as it was her being "unhappy" with what the host offered to make for her. Had she said "thank you so much that sounds amazing", there would have been no issue. I live in Jerusalem and my DH teaches at tons of seminaries. I always have a table full of people and do what I can to make sure people can eat at the meals. We always like to say, "everyone is entitled to one weird eating issue and expect a full meal" You can be a vegetarian but not vegetarian and gluten free. once you have more then one you can only expect a dish or two that works for you!!

There are a few issue. The first is that she sprang the diet on me AFTER she asked if she could come and AFTER I said yes. The second is that she asked me to make a kugel a certain way. In general, whats one more guest? Theres plenty of kugel, cholent, and salad. To have special requirements that would mean I have to shop special and cook special... thats different.
Back to top

amother
Copper


 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 4:57 am
exactly WG

She just sounds...clueless. To ask for an invite and then give you her restrictions and then not be happy with your perfectly great accommodation.

Once I got over my surprise, as yeah I would be taken aback, I would hope I would warmly say "we're happy to have you and hope this works for you. If not we totally understand." Depending upon the situation I might add "maybe another time".

Lots of factors go into these judgement calls. You sound like you are doing great!
Back to top

amother
Copper


 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 4:58 am
I mean at some level I kinda feel sorry for her and people who are clueless like this. However, that does not mean I would accommodate in a way they wanted that really didn't make sense or work for me also (depending upon the circumstances, relationship, etc)
Back to top

amother
Cyan


 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 5:23 am
Inviting yourself and then telling host what kind of kugel to make is rude. Like someone else wrote sweet potato and or baked potato put into oven at same time as kugel isn’t hard if you want. It also sends a message that there is a limit and your helping her see she can eat but not be demanding. Enjoy and gut Shabbos
Back to top

mommyhood




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 5:44 am
amother wrote:
In this case it does sound like she is being rude and demanding and I think you absolutely did the right thing.

But there were some people here who said things like, "why not eat at home and visit later" or were offended by guests who didn't each much. I'm genuinely curious, why does it bother you if someone doesn't eat?

I have a lot of food aversions. Not allergies or diet-related. Just aversions and things that I feel sick from smelling, let alone eating. But when I go out, I don't go for the food. I go for the company. I find something to eat, even if it's just challah and a spoonful of something else I put on my plate so as not to be so obvious about not eating, and it doesn' bother me in the slightest. I enjoy the company and the conversation.

When the host starts analyzing what's on my plate and pressuring me to eat or explain what and why I am or am not eating - it is extremely uncomfortable.

As a host I assume there’s something wrong if a guest isn’t eating. And I prepare quantities based on the number of guests. If you know you won’t be eating the right thing to do is tell them in advance that you’re coming for the company then no one feels uncomfortable.
Back to top

amother
Scarlet


 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 5:53 am
This thread reminds me of the times I would bring my own food (raw vegan) to my hosts and they'd be insulted I wasn't partaking of their dishes. I stopped going for this reason. I never asked anyone to accommodate my diet . It didn't occur to me to do so. I still think it's an imposition to do so.
Back to top

amother
Olive


 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 7:07 am
If I’m having guests I work very hard making extra kugels, salads.... I will serve on nice platters in honor of the guests... I feel very bad if they didn’t taste the food I worked hard to prepare and I’m left with dirty platters I had no reason to use. Not so nice not to taste the food I worked so hard to make- not to mention the money I spent on extra ingredients.
Back to top

watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 7:15 am
amother wrote:
If I’m having guests I work very hard making extra kugels, salads.... I will serve on nice platters in honor of the guests... I feel very bad if they didn’t taste the food I worked hard to prepare and I’m left with dirty platters I had no reason to use. Not so nice not to taste the food I worked so hard to make- not to mention the money I spent on extra ingredients.

This is kind of a spin off. But - thats why people ask guests what their food issues are when inviting them. And why my guest informed me of what she will and wont eat.

As a guest, I’m a tiny bit picky. But I dont tell hosts “I hate mayonnaise and beans”. No matter how beautifully you’ve plated the dish, if its a salad with mayo, I’m not touching it. Beans can be picked out of cholent, fine. Bean salad with mayo? Forget it. People are entitled to preferences and dislikes. Dislikes also arent the same thing as true medical need to avoid a food.

But as a host, I dont fet offended if something isnt to their taste.
Back to top
Page 2 of 3 Previous  1  2  3  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
How do people make money?
by amother
11 Yesterday at 9:35 pm View last post
Do people have pets in your communities? 48 Yesterday at 9:21 pm View last post
Disciplining other people’s kids
by amother
37 Yesterday at 8:53 pm View last post
Did you deliver MM or wait for people to come to you?
by amother
37 Yesterday at 7:19 pm View last post
S/o Disciplining other people’s kids; undermining discipline
by amother
5 Yesterday at 1:57 pm View last post