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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Playdate or chessed



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Gitch




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 1:00 pm
I’m looking for perspective for me, and how to present this to my kids in a healthy way.

A neighbor has kids the same ages as a few of mine. They often ask to come over and play or to join us when we do something fun/go somewhere. There is no reciprocity as the mother doesn’t drive, so she doesn’t take the kids anywhere and they never have kids over, I’m assuming because they have a large family, few toys and general chaotic environment.

My kids are nice to hers and play well when they’re together. But whenever I ask them if they want those kids to come over, they say no. My 9 yo in particular gets upset when I schedule playdates without his ok, and I believe he’s right - he’ll be the one involved, so he should get a say.

However, I know what a big chessed it is for these kids. It is good for them to be in a functioning house, to see positive sibling relationships and simply, to play with games and have fun. But how can I do chessed on the backs of my kids? I don’t want to present the situation as a chessed, I don’t want my kids to look at their friends as less then, but I do want them to go out of their way to include these kids who really need the positivity.

How do I navigate this fine line?
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amother
Oak


 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 1:09 pm
Let your kids pick their own friends.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 1:10 pm
talk to your kids about how they feel when interacting with these other kids. you can't obligate them to play with the other kids, but you can talk to them about including those who feel left out. if there's nothing actually wrong with the interactions, you can emphasize that. it's not about seeing them as lacking anything, just about being sensitive to others' feelings. they don't have to be good friends, but they can be good neighbors. you do not have to include these kids in family trips at all. unless you decide to invite them along on your own, feel free to say no. if there are other neighborhood kids around, you may want to occasionally organize an outdoor block party of sorts for all the kids. it can be something as simple as putting out a fruit platter and an assortment of board games or a huge quantity of cheap bubble solution and different sized bubble wands. or buy a ton of cheap water balloons and invite all the kids to a massive water fight. it will be nice for your kids to have fun with all the kids in the area, and it may prompt other parents to create similarly simple events. if you feel comfortable with it, have a gathering for the parents as well. you can definitely create neighborhood fun without having neighbors become part of family time. your kids may object to the lack of distinction between the two. if you choose to have a block party, notify your kids in advance and let them help you plan it.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 1:58 pm
I would certainly not do chesed on the backs of my children. I would not schedule playdates or "force" my kids to have kids over.
Sometimes the kids know best who is best for them to be around. And its up to them. This isn't about inclusivity. I would totally respect my 9 year old son's wishes and make it clear that his needs are your priority. It can be a fine line and bleed over into kids feeling the other people are more important because they are in more need. Thats not the message to give your kids.

If you want to invite them all over for a shabbos meal or something then maybe thats different.
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OBnursemom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 2:06 pm
I would never be able to bring other people’s kids with me on trips. I simply don’t have enough room in my car.
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happymom123




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 2:07 pm
I think this is an opportunity for your kids to learn how to give and compromise. I know this isn't going to be a popular opinion but I think you should explain that they're so lucky to have toys and trips and even luckier to the the chance to share them. And if they express frustration, make special family toys or trips so they still feel that sense of ownership
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amother
Jade


 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 2:09 pm
When I was your son's age I also had a neighbor with five kids the parents were in middle of a heavy divorce and their mother was really not a well person she had npd and so did her children.
I have to say my mother used to talk the way you did and she will let them in and it would cause me massive massive panic attacks. I have to say they ruined my childhood for those three years that those neighbors lived near me.
My mother looks back now and she says that she regrets what she did to me because I needed my privacy ,we lived in a very tiny apartment and we were a small family.
I really think you should not do it if your child does not want it. God knows what those neighbors are doing to your son? Chesed begins at home.
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happymom123




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 2:14 pm
amother wrote:
When I was your son's age I also had a neighbor with five kids the parents were in middle of a heavy divorce and their mother was really not a well person she had npd and so did her children.
I have to say my mother used to talk the way you did and she will let them in and it would cause me massive massive panic attacks. I have to say they ruined my childhood for those three years that those neighbors lived near me.
My mother looks back now and she says that she regrets what she did to me because I needed my privacy ,we lived in a very tiny apartment and we were a small family.
I really think you should not do it if your child does not want it. God knows what those neighbors are doing to your son? Chesed begins at home.


If they're hurting your son, physically or emotionally, that's a different story and your responsibility is foremost to him. But I think this is simply a child with natural feelings.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 2:31 pm
I absolutely think you should respect your own kids' needs first.

That being said, your 9 year old is old enough to be included in this decision (and perhaps some of your other children, too, depending on their maturity level). You can talk to him about the other family's needs, and be honest with him about this being a Chessed. You can encourage him to do this Chessed sometimes, if he wants to and is up to it - but absolutely make it his choice. You don't want to teach him to dislike doing Chessed.
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familyfirst




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 27 2018, 7:04 pm
Compromise.
Have neighbors over but not as often.
And respect that family trips are family trips.
An occasional exception might be ok
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Gitch




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 28 2018, 10:14 pm
Thanks for your replies, you definitely gave me food for thought.

To clarify, I'm not looking to choose my kids friends. BH they all do well socially and have their good friends, but isn't it a nice thing to go out of your way to include some kids, sometimes, who can definitely benefit?

I would never take them on a family trip - more like going to the park or splash pad, a situation where taking along friends doesn't impede on family time.

So I guess my question is, how can I encourage my kids to extend themselves for others, without letting them know about the dysfunctional homes of their friends. I don't want them to treat these kids differently bec. of what they know about them.
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unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jul 28 2018, 11:29 pm
We do hachnosas orchim. If a friend wants to come over and we have no legitimate reason to say no, then of course we say yes. If you are having a very hard day and want alone time then please share that with me and I’ll cancel. But what I’m seeing is that even though you complain when he comes, you end up having a good time. That’s because he’s a fun boy, and also because you did a mitzvah which always brings good feelings...
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amother
Azure


 

Post Sat, Jul 28 2018, 11:51 pm
There are different ways to extend oneself and different ways to teach kids to do so. I don't really think their socializing with kids that they don't want to is the way to do it.
They can go out of their way for others without having it be on their social time and on their friendships. They can be nice to them when they see them. They can be nice to kids when they come over with their families for a seudah.
Sometimes kids have a very good idea of who they want to be around and why.
I wouldn't have them have kids over who they are not inviting, again unless its a family thing and then yes they can learn to go along with it when necessary.
Too many blurry dynamics here too many blurry goals at once. You wanting to help these kids you wanting your kids to play with them when the other kids ask without naming it chesed...
I think it is important that your kids needs are respected too while teaching them to extend themselves that doesn't mean they don't get a say in who they want to spend time with and why.
They may not feel these kids are healthy for them to be around. I would teach my kids to trust their own judgement in friendships as well as learning to do chesed in other ways.
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