Helping them through separation and possible divorce

amother

Babypink

Sun, Jul 29 2018, 10:33 pm

I am separated right now.
I consulted with therapists about how to talk to the kids and have sent them to therapy through this whole process and intend to continue doing so.
My greatest pain and anguish is seeing them sad, and imagining how difficult this is for them. I haven’t even been able to think about myself at all because I am literally dying inside for them.
I am mostly directing this question to children of divorced parents:
What helped you through the process and what made it worse?
What do you wish your parents would have done/ not done?
What was the separation period like for you? What could have made it easier?
And any other advice you would want me to know if I were your mom.
TIA

amother

Puce

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 2:36 am

I used to daven at night that my parents would divorce.
Or social services would come and take us away.
or my parents would die.

Anything to live in a calm, warm home, with parents who asked how my day was, listened to me and my concerns, gave me hugs and time and energy.

As long as you are doing all that, you're doing great! Sounds like you are on your way to a calmer home, and the rest I hope you are doing already. Your kids sound better off than most people I know.

amother

Fuchsia

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 2:59 am

I was pretty young when my parents got divorced but I was so happy that there would be no more yelling.
I didn’t feel close to my father so I don’t remember being upset that he was moving out.
I hated the forced visitation but my mom couldn’t keep us from going to my father. That’s what I remember feeling helpless about — that I was forced to spend time with someone who I didn’t want to be with.
Everything at home was great - my mom explained that she will make kiddush on Shabbat, etc. and I just said “ok”.
There was a lot of fun, laughter and love. Just keep being an awesome mom to your kids and make sure the home atmosphere is calm and fun.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 3:34 am

amother wrote:

This. All this.

amother

Lime

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 6:15 am

My situation is a little different, my father was sick and passed away, but I feel that I can share one piece of advice with you.
Make sure to be open and available for your kids, in an age appropriate way. They sense everything! What they need is an open line of communication with you, and the knowledge that they can share their thoughts, worries and concerns with you. It sounds like you're doing great in a tough situation. I'm really just talking to my mother! This is one thing we all wished we would have had Sad

amother

Oak

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 7:08 am

The most important thing is to not put them in the middle ever! Feeling like you have to choose between your parents is a terrible thing! My close friends parents are divorced and they have always put the children first before their anger for eachother. Meaning they went to parent teacher conferences together, they never spoke Badly of each other to the kids, always were totally on the outside friendly with each other at simchas/birthday parties. Went out to dinners together to celebrate kids milestones. And now that the kids are grown. Nobody has to choose where to spend a yom tov. So if both parents are in town for a Seder they will have the Seder at the child’s house together so ieveryone can be together and the child doesn’t have to choose. This won’t work specifically for all situations but I think in general not putting the kids in the middle is the best advice. My friend is the most well adjusted person and it definitely helped that her parents really put the kids needs before their own.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Aug 08 2018, 12:36 am

amother wrote:

Wow. Thanks for posting this.

rivkam

Wed, Aug 08 2018, 5:21 am

Give your kids as much flexibility as you can. We had keys to both parents houses and although we had fixed days to be by each parent, it wasn't enforced by our parents so ifone of us didn't want to go to my father's one evening, it totally wasn't a big deal.

My parents never talked badly of one another and always encouraged us to spend time with the other parent.

They also never acted like having divorced parents was a negative which was great for impressionable young kids. We saw it more as an adventure and something more unique