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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Why are people so rude?
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 9:28 am
I provide a service for people. Recently someone was not happy with the service, which happens, and she was just so rude about it. I would have gladly worked with her, and I even offered for her not to take it and not pay, but she was just nasty. And it’s really bothering me. I know I need to have thicker skin, but I feel hurt even though it’s some time later.

I guess this is both a vent and a question. What is it that makes people act so rude? Lack of social skills? Do they think that’s how they’ll get their way? I’m taking this so personally even though I know I shouldn’t.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 9:36 am
Self centered
Selfish
Only think of themselves
They expect to get what they want
No feelings for others
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rgr




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 9:38 am
They get mad and then lose control over themselves
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 9:39 am
I think it's spontaneous, they don't stop to stop and think.
Negative reactions kind of spill out, positive reactions in a negative situation take thought.

I also think that it's not this particular situation that made them react like that.
It's a build up of other disappointing situations and some lucky ones get the brunt of that.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 9:42 am
It depends. Some clearly have social deficits while others have a sense of entitlement and react negatively if things don’t go their way.
When parents spoil the child either because they’re afraid of tantrums-OR they coddle him, this instills a sense of entitlement which affects their behavior during social interactions.
And then you have people who simply have an abrasive nature or social deficit
Psychologists call it “nature vs nurture”.
Regarding your situation, keep your head up high and thank hashem for creating you with a good heart!!!
I unfortunately know how you feel and truly emphasize with you! Us kindhearted people think twice before saying or doing hurtful things yet somehow the nasty person doesn’t think twice. They simply respond to perceived slight to protect their fragile ego. No matter the cost. And even worse.....they don’t feel responsible if their actions or words wounded others.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 9:43 am
She was having a bad day. You were the fifth bad thing to happen, she's running a fever and had a fight with her husband that morning and her boss gave her a bad review and the air conditioning conked out....
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sirel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 9:50 am
I don't know the story.
But it has happened that I've received service that was sub par, or not as advertised, without basic courtesy or respect or apologies.

and I get upset. I'm not hillel hazaken here.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 10:03 am
It happens everywhere, but I think it's especially prevalent in commercial transactions.

It's an offshoot of "the customer is always right."

This is a nice little reminder about the importance of customer service, but there are two problems with it:

First, it reflects a time where customer loyalty was something tangible. That is simply no longer the case. Between big box stores and Amazon, no one consistently patronizes a single store. Even in the case of small, frum, independent stores, customers are eager and excited for new competitors who will provide more for less. The only time I see genuine customer loyalty today is when there is a strong family connection, and even that type of loyalty is often shaky.

Second, the customer is sometimes wrong. But given the choices consumers have, there is no need for a customer to participate in building a good commercial relationship. Annoyed with Fish Store A? Walk down the street to Fish Store B! As a result, there is no incentive for good behavior on the part of the customer.

I wish there was a good solution, but I don't see one on the horizon. The only bright spot is that truly awful employees/owners and truly awful customers are likely to find footage of their tantrums circulating online. That deterrent should slow people down just a bit.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 11:22 am
Thank you everyone for your replies. They are really helpful in lifting my mood Smile
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 11:23 am
sirel wrote:
I don't know the story.
But it has happened that I've received service that was sub par, or not as advertised, without basic courtesy or respect or apologies.

and I get upset. I'm not hillel hazaken here.


I did apologize. You don’t need to be Hillel hazaken to act like a mentsch.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 1:38 pm
I get that in my line of business all the time. I work in an urgent care where people treat us like mcdonalds. They walk in and demand meds that may be harmful to them. If we don't give it we get blasted online and of course due to hipaa we can't defend ourselves on the same forum. Also, the customer always being right started affecting insurance reimbursements and bonus structures so I'm incentivized to practice bad medicine for patient satisfaction. It's a great system!
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amother
Gold


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 1:51 pm
amother wrote:
She was having a bad day. You were the fifth bad thing to happen, she's running a fever and had a fight with her husband that morning and her boss gave her a bad review and the air conditioning conked out....



I have to disagree. Unfortunately some people are just not nice. There might be a history that has led up to it, but for whatever reason they a bad people who are difficult to be around. My boss is one such person. She is rude and often says hurtful things. She's been doing this for years. We have lots of turnover because of how she treats people. She's not having a bad day, this is just who she is. I've seen this with several people. You can't try to change them, only avoid as much as possible.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 2:37 pm
amother wrote:
I have to disagree. Unfortunately some people are just not nice. There might be a history that has led up to it, but for whatever reason they a bad people who are difficult to be around. My boss is one such person. She is rude and often says hurtful things. She's been doing this for years. We have lots of turnover because of how she treats people. She's not having a bad day, this is just who she is. I've seen this with several people. You can't try to change them, only avoid as much as possible.


Ah, so because you have a miserable boss, this means everyone who ever acted rude, snapped at a customer, dissed a salesperson, let a door shut in someone’s face or whatever is a rotten person, not a mediocre person having a bad day. I see. Evidently YOU have never gotten into a fight, snapped at or been abrupt with anyone, ever ever ever. Not even when someone was trying to cheat you and it was the fifth bad thing that happened that day. You are an inspiration, right down to the way you are automatically dan lechaf zechut OP’s customer when you know nothing about her and didn’t even see the precipitating event. (Sarcasm alert.) Did you ever stop to think that people will judge you just as kindly as you judge others?
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 2:48 pm
I think both things can be simultaneously true. Yes, some people are consistently rude because of bad chinuch, a personality disorder, or history that compels them to behave badly. And there are also people who snap because they're having a bad day.

It's often possible to tell the difference, I believe. The chronic meanies have a certain inner calm while they tear you apart. They don't pause or stop to try to collect themselves; they would pass a lie detector test swearing that their behavior is perfectly appropriate.

The people who are just having a bad day usually keep trying to put the brakes on . . . they may even stop and apologize before they start berating you again.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 2:53 pm
Somebody just shared a big compliment on my work, which is just what I needed. Between that and all of you wonderful ladies, I already feel so much better.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 3:34 pm
Fox wrote:
I think both things can be simultaneously true. Yes, some people are consistently rude because of bad chinuch, a personality disorder, or history that compels them to behave badly. And there are also people who snap because they're having a bad day.

It's often possible to tell the difference, I believe. The chronic meanies have a certain inner calm while they tear you apart. They don't pause or stop to try to collect themselves; they would pass a lie detector test swearing that their behavior is perfectly appropriate.

The people who are just having a bad day usually keep trying to put the brakes on . . . they may even stop and apologize before they start berating you again.


There's another possibility. Its that the OP's work was incompetent and has caused terrible harm to the person.

"Gosh, I know your daughter is getting married on Thursday, but I chopped off way too much of the skirt of her dress. But don't worry, knee length wedding dresses are really in! I'm sorry."

"Yes, I know I promised you the work today. But I didn't get it done. I'm sorry that your company will now lose that multi-million dollar account, and you'll be fired."

No clue if that's the case. But there are times when its reasonable to be angry and even a bit rude.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 4:02 pm
amother wrote:
There's another possibility. Its that the OP's work was incompetent and has caused terrible harm to the person.

"Gosh, I know your daughter is getting married on Thursday, but I chopped off way too much of the skirt of her dress. But don't worry, knee length wedding dresses are really in! I'm sorry."

"Yes, I know I promised you the work today. But I didn't get it done. I'm sorry that your company will now lose that multi-million dollar account, and you'll be fired."

No clue if that's the case. But there are times when its reasonable to be angry and even a bit rude.


Ha no nothing remotely like that!
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Leriem




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 4:12 pm
amother wrote:
I provide a service for people. Recently someone was not happy with the service, which happens, and she was just so rude about it. I would have gladly worked with her, and I even offered for her not to take it and not pay, but she was just nasty. And it’s really bothering me. I know I need to have thicker skin, but I feel hurt even though it’s some time later.

I guess this is both a vent and a question. What is it that makes people act so rude? Lack of social skills? Do they think that’s how they’ll get their way? I’m taking this so personally even though I know I shouldn’t.


It’s impossible to know or explain this particular incident without knowing some details.
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Leriem




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 4:14 pm
zaq wrote:
Ah, so because you have a miserable boss, this means everyone who ever acted rude, snapped at a customer, dissed a salesperson, let a door shut in someone’s face or whatever is a rotten person, not a mediocre person having a bad day. I see. Evidently YOU have never gotten into a fight, snapped at or been abrupt with anyone, ever ever ever. Not even when someone was trying to cheat you and it was the fifth bad thing that happened that day. You are an inspiration, right down to the way you are automatically dan lechaf zechut OP’s customer when you know nothing about her and didn’t even see the precipitating event. (Sarcasm alert.) Did you ever stop to think that people will judge you just as kindly as you judge others?


Whoa! Why the intense anger?
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Mon, Jul 30 2018, 4:19 pm
amother wrote:
I get that in my line of business all the time. I work in an urgent care where people treat us like mcdonalds. They walk in and demand meds that may be harmful to them. If we don't give it we get blasted online and of course due to hipaa we can't defend ourselves on the same forum. Also, the customer always being right started affecting insurance reimbursements and bonus structures so I'm incentivized to practice bad medicine for patient satisfaction. It's a great system!


I was about to post something similar. I work in pediatrics. I can either practice according to the books, in which case I would be only be prescribing antibiotics very rarely. But then I'll have parents yelling at me and complaining that I did "nothing" for their very ill child (who actually is not that very ill but of course to the parent it's their poor darling who is being left to suffer by the cruel callous medical professional).

Or I can keep parents happy and order meds or tests that I know they don't need but at least it looks like we're doing something.

Fortunately I have a subset of parents who are willing to listen to reason and don't demand meds for every little thing. Otherwise I'd have quit my job long ago!
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