What is a parent’s responsibility re his/her adult child?

amother

Apricot

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 7:09 pm

Do you think a parent has to take any responsibility and help an adult child who has issues? My husband has an alcohol problem among many other problems, and becomes emotionally abusive when drinking. My in laws know about it and have claimed they were going to help, but when it came down to it they would not help. Some days I feel like dumping him on his parents’ doorstep and saying he’s your problem. Not that it’s helpful to think this way, as nothing is changing on their end, but is my thinking flawed?

Leriem

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 7:11 pm

amother wrote:

What time of help exactly are you expecting from them? Therapy? Money?

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 7:14 pm

I don't know whose responsibility it should be but it seems kind of unfair that the spouse (who may be very young, inexperienced, without resources etc) becomes the de facto caretaker if the spouse is dysfunctional or incapacitated.

PassionFruit

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 7:15 pm

No one can help an alcoholic but the alcoholic themselves. You do not have control over your in laws or your husband. Please go to therapy for yourself to know how to stay sane throughout all this. The only thing you can do is make sure you are taking care of yourself and not enabling more bad behavior.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 7:15 pm

Leriem wrote:

What time of help exactly are you expecting from them? Therapy? Money?

Financial would be nice (toward therapy) but honestly even emotional support would at least mean something. Helping him get help. Something other than sticking their heads in the sand!

imasinger

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 8:41 pm

I suspect there is a reason your DH has so many unresolved problems.

Please get yourself to Al-Anon. You'll get the support there that you are lacking from them, and probably a better understanding about why they are so unhelpful.

Huge hugs. This is not an easy road you walk.

happyone

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 10:20 pm

How long are you married ? Did he struggle with alcoholism prior to marriage? If he did, they should take responsibility and assist. If he developed this in Adulthood , emotional support would be nice, as would financial support. However, you cant expect them to take responsibility for his adult mistakes.
I feel sorry you're in this situation.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 10:26 pm

imasinger wrote:

Yes and I believe the reason has much to do with his upbringing but I’m trying hard not to blame..

seeker

Mon, Jul 30 2018, 11:12 pm

Unfortunately I really don't think parents have any responsibilities toward their adult children. Morally and ideally I do think they should be helpful when they can, but it's not an obligation. Adults need to take care of their own problems.

Now, I'm only saying that because that's the question you asked. On the other hand, your upset is absolutely valid and I think anyone would feel the same way.

southernbubby

Tue, Jul 31 2018, 2:01 am

amother wrote:

Financial would be nice (toward therapy) but honestly even emotional support would at least mean something. Helping him get help. Something other than sticking their heads in the sand!

Would it help if they went to a 12 step program as family members themselves? Sometimes the parents don't understand the role that they played when the problem arose and if they gain an understanding, they could be more supportive.

amother

Teal

Tue, Jul 31 2018, 2:40 am

"My in laws know about it and have claimed they were going to help, but when it came down to it they would not help".

This is key - it looks as though they went back on their word - which is doubly disappointing.