Daughter hates my sweet husband!

amother

Mint

Wed, Aug 01 2018, 8:44 am

amother wrote:

Thanks, the problem is I know it is normal but my husband does not and is hurt and makes him feel distant from our child. I don't blame him and totally understand his feelings. Saying it's normal only helps to a degree. He is still the same caring active father but this kills me!

No more rude comments about how it sounds like a second marriage. If I had written the title as "Daughter hates her Father" I am sure I would have gotten many comments that it sounds like I divorced her father and he lives out of the house. Some people can never be pleased. I meant what I wrote and I would write it the same way next time.

Take the comments regarding narrative to heart. The way we think about things really does impact how we feel about them.

You’ve identified the problem - your husband doesn’t understand. So teach hiim. Your daughter is having a ‘mommy stage’ now. It’s a preference, not a rejection.

watergirl

Wed, Aug 01 2018, 9:10 am

amother wrote:

People aren't trying to be rude to you here, and no, we dont need to be “pleased”. You posted as amother so we dont “know” you, and we can only react to the language choices that you make. So we have to get to understand the situation from a few sentences. Its normal on a message board for people to go by what was written, and thats why many of us take care to choose the best words to accurately express what is going on. People react and respond based on your words and how its typed.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Aug 01 2018, 10:09 am

Thank you to all the people who shared similar experiences! I suspected it is a normal stage and was 95% sure but it really means a lot to hear this from other people. I have been constantly telling my husband it is a temporary and normal stage but I am not sure if he really has internalized it...I hope so.

The word hate came from my husband, he is always feeling/saying our daughter "hates" him. Obviously do all I can to correct this perception, while still validating the feelings he has because of her behavior. Obviously I would never tell my husband "Our daughter hates you" but thank you to the person who stated the obvious Smile

SuperWify

Wed, Aug 01 2018, 10:25 am

watergirl wrote:

All this OP. You were very concerned about you privacy and posted Amother. You also said you changed details. ( Bu the way Honey, why you are so concerned about us trying to figure out your identity I’m now really curious to know!!)

How can we help you if we’ve don’t have the full picture??? For all we know you are asking about your 18 year old son but to “protect your identity” you “changed a few details” and left out a few crucial points...

I’m sorry op. We’d love to help but we just don’t have the story straight.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Aug 01 2018, 10:37 am

SuperWify wrote:

I don't owe you an explanation for why I want my privacy, and I find your tone a little off-putting. I thank the people who responded graciously with similar experiences, and these have helped me. I no longer need any "help."

amother

Indigo

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 7:51 am

Glad you got what you needed!

Sorry for any offense -- the comments meant to shed light on wording which sometimes can reflect perceptions on the situation that are affecting the dynamic itself. Thats all.

sometimes the thread title shows someones belief as in "my daughter "hates"..." and pointing that out can be simply helpful to the op

your child is young and presumably your first -- some dynamics get started at this age and some parents without realizing can reinforce a triangle dynamic of one parent and child "versus" the other which is not good for the child parent or family. Or one parent "mediating" the relationship with the other parent. Insights at an early stage can help prevent such a thing and reinforce healthier dynamics going forward. Nothing personal meant. Just professional experienced parent person speak thats all.
Good for you for reaching out.

Wishing you much brocha v hatzlocha

amother

Cyan

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 11:30 am

When my 18 month old was born, my husband had such a difficult time with the fact that she would scream in his arms but stop immediately when I picked her up. I explained that she's still so little and hasn't had the chance to get to know him yet and she only knows me a little better cuz she had been living inside, and I was her source of food, me so she recognized me as comfort. throughout the different stages of her development there were different times that she preferred me and he took it so personally and I had to remind him "she loves you, but right now she's hungry and tired and she knows I'm her ticket to a full belly before bedtime..." He understood it but it was still hard for him. Although it is between father and daughter, I do feel that as the nurturing mom with more intuition about our child's needs, we have the same intuition as to how to help nurture the relationship between father and son/daughter.
knowing how she preferred me when she was cranky or tired, I would often give her over to DH after the morning feedings when she was full and well rested and he saw how she loved to cuddle up with him too. I always encouraged DH to read to her, bathe her, sing to her, etc, and most importantly, as another ima mentioned above, I make a huge deal about "tatty's home!!" When he walks through the door. At night even when I'm in a huge rush to get her into bed cuz she's exhausted or cuz I have to run out somewhere, "let's go give tatty a good night kiss" is religiously part of the bedtime routine, and even when I'm LIVID about something he did and we're in a massive fight about something and were struggling to communicate effectively (well save that for another forum lol) If she's around I'll push myself (and I'm not perfect) to say "DD look tatty has something yummy for you" or "let's sing our new song for tatty" because it's important to me that she views him a in a positive light.

And now? When she wakes up and calls for mommy in the morning, he knows she's hungry, and as soon as I'm done nursing she jumps into his arms, and he feels so good about it!

Then there are times that she is playing and she starTs calling "mommmmy" and wants me and he wants to know "why does she always ask for you! She's not hungry now!" And I tell him it's cuz he's working most of the day and I'm the one that takes care of her most of the day and she's used to calling for me. But that does not mean she does not love him.

OP, all of the ideas in my post are all things you can encourage now. If she doesn't want to play with him and wants to cling to you, start by playing, singing, acting silly, and reading books TOGETHER. And use your motherly intuition to guide your DH in his interactions with her. "Hey DH, it seems she's not enjoying that game... Maybe she would prefer something calmer, like a book.." "Hey DH I see she's fighting you when you try feeding her supper. She loves when I let her hold the fork herself, maybe you can try that"

Good luck!!

amother

Orchid

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 12:08 pm

Thank you so much cyan for the thoughtful reply. The word hate was a combination of my own exasperation at my child's behavior and my husband's insecurity - it's how he feels. It certainly isn't true and I constantly tell my husband 1) it is normal 2) it is temporary 3) she loves you 4) mothers have a certain touch - neither parent can replace the other.

My husband feels hated but I know it's not true and I constantly point out to my husband "Look! She asked where you were/kvetched when you left/wanted to go to you/etc." And my husband feels so good knowing that the baby also is sad when HE leaves sometimes, not just me. It really makes him so happy. I also make sure to bring the baby to daddy for kiss and night night routine before bed 97% of the time. I also try to have daddy do the fun stuff like treats, taking her on a ride, opening new toy, etc. They also get special time together daily during certain times when I am not around. I also tell my husband that with our next child it may be the other way around!! Also, I try to point out when he is wild with her that she doesn't like it...let's try something else. We also talk about daddy - where he is, where he is going, and say bye bye and sometimes run out to greet him. Anyway thank you again.

salt

Mon, Aug 27 2018, 7:19 am

I don't see any problem with OP saying "my DD doesn't like my DH" (I agree that 'hate' is a bit harsh).
If she would have said "my DD doesn't like her father" as you are all suggesting, I'd have assumed they were divorced.
People really do read into things a lot.

OP, what if your DH were to take DD out for a treat? Then it wouldn't be that you're leaving her, rather, she is the one going out. They could do it once a week - daddy takes DD out to the park or shopping in the supermarket, and buys her a little treat.

(sorry just realized this is from a month or so ago)