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Yeshiva Boys Chipping In for Hostess Gift
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amother
Linen


 

Post Wed, Aug 01 2018, 10:58 pm
We host a lot. We don't expect expensive wine. Generally, a few kids chip in for a bottle, flowers or cake. I would guess that no one spends more than 20 shekel, and that's fine. These are kids on a budget.

Is your son just copying what you do, without realizing that the rules here are different? Easy to fix. Or does he have a need to look like Mr. Generosity? That's a tendency that can get a person into trouble down the line. It's worth addressing the root cause of that need.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Wed, Aug 01 2018, 11:04 pm
amother wrote:


Is your son just coping what you, without realizing that the rules here are different? Easy to fix. Or does he have a need to look like Mr. Generosity? That's a tendency that can get a person onto trouble down the line. It's worth addressing the root cause of that need.

I actually just spoke with him and he said one of his hosts likes fine wines so he feels funny giving him cheaper wine.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Wed, Aug 01 2018, 11:08 pm
amother wrote:
I actually just spoke with him and he said one of his hosts likes fine wines so he feels funny giving him cheaper wine.


So let him bring flowers or cake instead.

Why is the host talking about wine with bochurim? That doesn't sound like a particularly wholesome environment.
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erm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 01 2018, 11:27 pm
amother wrote:
I actually just spoke with him and he said one of his hosts likes fine wines so he feels funny giving him cheaper wine.


I don't know of anyone hosting boys in Israel that expects expensive wine or any other expensive items. He should just bring something as a token of appreciation for being hosted. It is not like he is coming with a whole family. He is just a single boy learning.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Wed, Aug 01 2018, 11:39 pm
amother wrote:
Its just $25 - $30 a week on a bottle of wine adds up when no one is chipping in. And that is if he is only eating one meal out a week. Over Shavuous he spent a fortune on wine for all the meals.
I host large families in US for meals and they give something that maybe costs $15.00 and many give nothing. And here he one single guy and spending so much more.
I want him to give a hostess gift just want to know the norm to spend. We told him clearly never walk in empty handed cuz its rude.


Its a gift from him. Forget the chip-in. He’s not coming as part of a family.

You seem ok for $25 from three guys - so $7.50 from one. Your son. And if he wants something nicer as a group item,it’s on him to collect cash from his friends before he goes out to buy it.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Wed, Aug 01 2018, 11:53 pm
amother wrote:


You seem ok for $25 from three guys - so $7.50 from one. Your son. And if he wants something nicer as a group item,it’s on him to collect cash from his friends before he goes out to buy it.


I am okay with $10.00 also. I read online constanly parents giving their kids $200-$250 a month to spend in Israel. And I have a kid that is spending over $100 a month plus on hostess gifts. Something is not adding up right. So I was wondering what other parents tell kids to spend on a gift.
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amother
Linen


 

Post Wed, Aug 01 2018, 11:56 pm
amother wrote:
I am okay with $10.00 also. I read online constanly parents giving their kids $200-$250 a month to spend in Israel. And I have a kid that is spending over $100 a month plus on hostess gifts. Something is not adding up right. So I was wondering what other parents tell kids to spend on a gift.



$25 a shabbos is way too much.
How is his spending in general?
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amother
Coral


 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 12:09 am
amother wrote:
I am okay with $10.00 also. I read online constanly parents giving their kids $200-$250 a month to spend in Israel. And I have a kid that is spending over $100 a month plus on hostess gifts. Something is not adding up right. So I was wondering what other parents tell kids to spend on a gift.


Based on your son’s experience - ‘nothing’.
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daagahminayin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 12:32 am
If he buys cheaper gifts e.g for 20-30NIS, his friends are more likely to want/be able to chip in.
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cozyblanket




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 12:37 am
amother wrote:
One big issue he uses a debit card and has no way to login to analyze his spending.


Your son sounds like a sweet and respectful boy who needs to learn money management. It's 30 times easier to learn it with cash.

Come up with a monthly total to spend. Then make catagories and subcategories, such with a dollar or shekels amount. Then he should follow the envelope system: take that total sum of cash out from the atm at the beginning of the month. Put the category totals in labeled envelopes. Use cash from envelopes all month. When he physically handles the money and has to turn that over, it feels so different than putting a card in a machine. Also, he will have to stick to his monthly gift budget and every other area too.

Its not easy, but its worth it. It would require that he gave a safe place to store the envelopes.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 5:54 am
Nobody expects a 100 nis bottle of wine from a single yeshiva bochur.
He can give that to the host who appreciates fine wines on very special occasions, like Rosh Hashana or Pesach.
Otherwise he should bring something for less than half that price. The problem is that it requires more time to find something respectable to give for 25-50 nis. I haven't seen nice parve boxes of chocolate for that price or anything. You can give flowers, but I guess that's a problem bringing on shabbat.
In any case, he shouldn't fight with his friends over this. They don't want to give, they don't have to.
It's a bit different, but my dds were in sherut leumi and it wasn't customary among her friends to bring hostess gifts to the families that hosted them for shabbat. Instead at the end of the year they bought something big (homeware gifts, not food).
Now she's doing sherut abroad and they were all told to buy hostess gifts here in Israel for the first time they are hosted; they are not expected to bring something every week. I assume they will give here and there throughout the year and at the end of the year, but not every week.
I guess it's different with the families that host yeshiva boys though.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 7:28 am
daagahminayin wrote:
If he buys cheaper gifts e.g for 20-30NIS, his friends are more likely to want/be able to chip in.

They don’t want to chip in any amount.

Thank you for your advice. If anyone has ideas for gifts $10.00 an under that look nice please let me know.
Flowers is not an option since he will have to take a bus to drop it off before Shabbos.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 7:31 am
cozyblanket wrote:


Come up with a monthly total to spend. Then make catagories and subcategories, such with a dollar or shekels amount. Then he should follow the envelope system: take that total sum of cash out from the atm at the beginning of the month. Put the category totals in labeled envelopes. Use cash from envelopes all month. When he physically handles the money and has to turn that over, it feels so different than putting a card in a machine. Also, he will have to stick to his monthly gift budget and every other area too.

Its not easy, but its worth it. It would require that he gave a safe place to store the envelopes.


Its a great idea but also I tend to find with these boys that they look to borrow cash / shekels when its in bills and not on the card. And then hard to chase the boys back for the money.
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amother
Coral


 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 8:49 am
amother wrote:
They don’t want to chip in any amount.

Thank you for your advice. If anyone has ideas for gifts $10.00 an under that look nice please let me know.
Flowers is not an option since he will have to take a bus to drop it off before Shabbos.


Grape Juice.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 8:52 am
Maybe a simple cake from a good bakery.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 8:55 am
Babka/rugelach. Always appreciated in my house!
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 8:57 am
If he knows he will be going a few times to the same host, I think it is fine to bring a more expensive gift every few times.

If the family have kids, a few bags of candy or chocolate is nice. Fruit is always appreciated - he can buy what is seasonal. Grapes, melons, pears, nectarines, persimmon. A small box of chocolates, or even several 100gr bars tied in a ribbon or in a gift bag is totally ok. A box of rugelach or a cake from a bakery. Sorbet or ice cream is also nice but may be impractical if he has no freezer.

If he is home now maybe send him back to yeshiva with a stash of inexpensive gift bags that he can fill with fruit or candy?

Don't know how much it is in israel but the blue bartenura wine is very popular and not much more then $15.
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 9:12 am
Would it be normal to send him back with stuff from Amazing Savings?
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amother
Coral


 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 9:16 am
amother wrote:
Would it be normal to send him back with stuff from Amazing Savings?


living spaces in Israel are often very small. Getting gifts that can be 'consumed' rather than need to be 'stored' is probably a better option.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Thu, Aug 02 2018, 10:30 am
If he has the space to store them in Israel, you can send him with a bunch of cheap netilas yadayim towels (the embroidered kind). I wouldn't give that to the same host more than once, but it's a nice gift for the first time he goes somewhere, and then if he goes to the same host again he can bring candy or rugelach. I don't think anyone is expecting yeshiva bachurim to bring wine every time they come for a meal.
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