Yeshiva Boys Chipping In for Hostess Gift

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amother

Oak

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 10:36 am

A typical present from one yeshiva bachur for one meal is a small bouquet of flowers or a bag of rugelach. I find it sufficiently weird as to be a red flag that he feels expected to gift expensive wine to a specific host. As another poster said above, sounds like a possibly unhealthy environment. And to answer the question about looking cheap after gifting such expensive wine, no. He is not cheap by reverting to normal Israeli standards.

If you want him to bring a gift, it should be on Israeli standards; not American. $25 wine is exceedingly extravagant. I'm wondering how this extravagant spending took an entire year to surface. And also wondering why your son didn't think it was an issue that his gift giving is so out of line with everyone else's.

SixOfWands

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 11:07 am

amother wrote:

I actually just spoke with him and he said one of his hosts likes fine wines so he feels funny giving him cheaper wine.

So if he goes there regularly, he can bring a nicer bottle of wine every 4th visit or so, and a very inexpensive gift other times.

amother

Apricot

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 11:14 am

amother wrote:

One person that he was giving it to is a wealthy businessman and he knows the person has find taste. They also serve these boys very well.
In the beginning of the year he said his friends were chipping in with him when they were going out to eat. Why would I think it changed? And a nice bottle of wine from three boys is something nice to give.

amother

Coral

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 11:24 am

amother wrote:

You would think it changed since your son is running out of money. He needs to be reasonably accountable to you on how he is spending his allowance - if he's regularly running out of money.

amother

Apricot

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 12:02 pm

amother wrote:

You would think it changed since your son is running out of money. He needs to be reasonably accountable to you on how he is spending his allowance - if he's regularly running out of money.

Things did come up over the year that he needed more money over the month which he explained. End of the year In June I saw charges for wine on weekends but then he was low on money on debit card. I asked him don’t you have the shekels from the boys that you split the wine with and then we found out what happened.

By the way ther are boys in his yeshiva that have unlimited spending allowance.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 12:06 pm

Feeling bad for you OP Sad

my son is in yeshiva in Israel , he spends between $100 and $135 per month depending on how much travel he does. He gets cheap takeout maybe twice a month, eg shwarma/falafel. He has been learning how to organize his own money.
when he goes away for shabbos, he spends about $7-$10 maximum on a cheap bottle of wine, or candy tray or rugelach. Nothing wrong with that in my opinion.
Tell your son to buy cheaper gifts! good luck

watergirl

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 12:16 pm

amother wrote:

I know your son means well. But its weird for a teen to gift a family a “fine” wine, even if they have fine taste. Thats for a peer to do, not a yeshiva kid. Your son doesnt have to and shouldn't have to gift better because they serve fancy food. Thats not how this works. I echo everyone else.

amother

Linen

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 12:22 pm

Your son sounds like a very nice kid with a bit of a people-pleasing habit.

It sounds like he is living the good life with a rich crowd. If that's not what he can afford, it's time to scale back. The rich host doesn't need expensive wine from yeshiva guys. He can buy his own.

It's not a good idea to hang out with a crowd above your income level, whether you are 18 or 80.

Also (and sorry if I'm sounding preachy) a student's time in Israel should be spent in educationally, spiritually uplifting surroundings, and getting a sense of real life here. Hanging out with feinshmeckers may be fun, but it undermines the point of a year in Israel.

heidi

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 2:15 pm

As the person your son is eating at (well maybe not him but hundreds of other yeshiva and seminary students have come for shabbos over the years) I have to say that a box of yummy rugelach or a candy platter is always welcome. And that's for a whole shabbat. A meal can be 30 shekel gift. And that's being generous.
Posters have commented that your son is sweet. I'm sure he is, but I see this spending as just being clueless about money. Also, it's your money, so why shouldn't he spend it. I think sonny boy needs some very clear limits set in terms of how much of your money he is allowed to spend.
I wouldn't worry about his friends. He should spend what is appropriate for a single guest. Their parents should teach them some basic manners.

amother

Salmon

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 2:25 pm

As someone who has hosted many Yeshiva bochrim I'll add my two cents.
It depends on how he knows the family.
I would never want a relative to bring me a gift for hosting them. Family just does that for each other. I may ask my brother/sister/niece/nephew to pick up xyz ֵּּ if they are in out and about but I always ask them how much it cost.
If someone comes to me who I don't know or is my friend's brother's roommate's cousin etc they often don't bring a gift and it's not expected. When they do bring something it is thoughtful and appreciative.
However, when you say that $25 is a lot, please bear in mind that we spend plenty more than that hosting your kid. We do it with pleasure, but often stretch our resources to do that whether it's time, energy, space, or money. Many of us do this week in and week out for kids like yours who we don't even know. I'm not saying that you need to spend this much, I just am irked by the thought that people could think this is 'too much' to spend in such a situation (before people here bash me, consider this, if you want to tell me that I shouldn't do this unless it is ideal for me in every way then don't complain when YOUR kid comes to Israel and calls you crying that they are stuck on Thursday night with no plans).
I know candy is cheap but I force a thank you and a smile when another candy platter shows up. My kids get treats on Shabbos but these trays are more than I have any interest in them consuming or begging for.
If you are looking for ideas that would be appreciated I once received a nice set of hand towels from a boy whose thoughtful mother bought them ahead of time and sent them along. Another guest gave me a CD (exchangeable at a central store) a few times, once for my kids once for adults.
At the end of the day the most welcome guests are ones who are kind to my children, polite at the table, helpful (the basics, help clear and carry out food, don't make a big mess in their room, etc). They are the ones who genuinely appreciate being in my home and give a sincere thanks (not a mumbled everything was delicious).

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Aug 02 2018, 2:36 pm

I have seminary girls or yeshiva boys for meals or a whole shabbos all the time. The seminary girls always bring something: usually a candy tray or store-bought baked good. When coming for a two day yom tov, they generally bring something nicer. Occasionally, the boys bring something small but many times when only coming for a meal they don't bring anything. Once in a while we have a boy who appreciates wine, which we never put out because we don't drink, who brings a cheap bottle of wine.

But yes, I would be surprised to get a $25 bottle of wine that we wouldn't even appreciate and would not be surprised if we didn't get anything.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 8:56 am

He can choose an assortment of chocolate and nuts and put in one of those compartment containers - can buy in many stores in Israel and won't have to spend more than 25 shekel.

Or a box of chocolates for 15 shekel.

People don't need big gifts - a small something is enough to make them feel appreciated.

LovesHashem

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 9:13 am

Most people are happy with a 15 shekel cake. He does NOT need to bring wine or anything too fancy.

amother

Goldenrod

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 9:21 am

amother wrote:

As someone else who hosts a lot I really do not appreciate most household items people give me. I have numerous challah covers, hand towels, bowls, etc sitting in my linen closet, unused mostly. I admit to using the hand towels as tea towel which I never seem to have enough of. Those handtowels are mostly white and embroidered and thus get yucky pretty quickly.

Chocolates, candy, wine etc can always get served to your guests if you don't like them and don't want your kids eating them.

I do agree hosting is expensive. Thats why something that contributes to the meal eg grape juice or wine, or dessert, is useful. I agree most people do not appreciate or need expensive wine. I would much prefer 2 bottles of $12 wine than one expensive one.

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 9:38 am

amother wrote:

Where can you buy a 15 shekel box of parve chocolates??? Never seen such a thing.

amother

Coral

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 9:41 am

amother wrote:

Thats why they are great gifts - they need to be replaced weekly.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 10:01 am

amother wrote:

Where can you buy a 15 shekel box of parve chocolates??? Never seen such a thing.

Paskez mint thins. Max 18 shekel.
A box of chocolate leaves. Not more than that either.

And others as well...

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 10:15 am

amother wrote:

Paskez mint thins. Max 18 shekel.
A box of chocolate leaves. Not more than that either.

And others as well...

I havent seen the chocolate leaves.
But the mint thins are a good idea, although they arent exactly what I think of when I hear 'box of chocolate'. It's a very small gift.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 10:18 am

amother wrote:

I havent seen the chocolate leaves.
But the mint thins are a good idea, although they arent exactly what I think of when I hear 'box of chocolate'. It's a very small gift.

I guess it depends what circles you run in.
That's the type I would give and receive.
There's no need to give fancy pralines to each Shabbos host. They don't need a big gift - just something to show a token of appreciation.

coloredleaves

Fri, Aug 03 2018, 12:00 pm

A cheaper wine may look weird if he always brought expensive- but flowers, candy, box of mints or something totally different category and $10 or less wild be fine. Even in America in my neighborhood we often do $15 or less. For a no hue $ 5-10 is fine!

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