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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
Cyan
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Thu, Aug 02 2018, 6:31 am
Does your son bring a gift every time he eats out on Shabbos?
If he eats out 2 meals on one shabbos, does he bring 2 hostess gifts to each host? Does he bring it with him? If he for example is sleeping in his dorm & eating the meals at hosts, does he carry it with him on Shabbos?
I have taught my son to do that but over the past year or so he sees his friends not taking something so he has gotten lazy and stopped (I didn’t know).
But practically I want to tell him how to do this without it being such a big deal.
For example I can buy a bunch of little hostess gifts & he can take with him.
Wrapped, unwrapped? Does every host want a little something?
I’d appreciate specific suggestions.
Tia.
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watergirl
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Thu, Aug 02 2018, 6:37 am
He should continue to bring something every time. Small is fine. Wrapped/jnwrapped doesnt matter.
We have guests a lot and a few years ago lived in a yeshiva town. The frequent guests who brought maybe a $4 bag of candy (small but still brought) stood out in my mind as someone who has middos. (As a host, I dont NEED the candy. But its sometimes hard for the hosts kids when there are guests frequently and the candy helps!). So when people called re: shidduch references, being able to say that so and so always brought my kids candy when he came was a feather in his cap.
I’m not saying to do it for shidduch reasons, my point is that hosts appreciate the gesture and makes them feel more inclined to invite again.
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Ruchel
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Thu, Aug 02 2018, 6:44 am
Certainly wouldn't expect any thing
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LittleDucky
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Thu, Aug 02 2018, 10:12 am
It's a sign of good middos to bring something. Even if it is something cheap- he realized someone was doing him a favor, paying for food and going through the hassle of hosting and he wanted to contribute something. I host singles a lot and those who take the time and think of bringing anything it is appreciated. We don't need the tray of cookies as I made dessert or planned for it already, but it is nice for an extra. The thoughtfulness is what matters to me. One person brought dips, others a small thing of cookies... No one expects $30 gifts each week...
I prefer unwrapped as then it is easier if they bring on shabbos. Plus it's not a birthday for the surprise effect.
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amother
Coffee
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Thu, Aug 02 2018, 12:43 pm
AFAIK my ds always brings something, usually consumable, like wine, candy, nuts, cookies or flowers. When possible he delivers before Shabbos. Not necessarily wrapped though he sometimes enjoys embellishing with a ribbon or fancy gift bag if he has one. It’s not about contributing to the meal or what the host expects, but a token of appreciation for the hospitality.
When ds was living at home I did stock up on non perishable hostess gifts, but since he’s away in yeshiva he buys things himself. It’s not practical for him to bring half a suitcase full of hostess gifts at the beginning of zman.
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heidi
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Thu, Aug 02 2018, 1:58 pm
Wrong thread. Spinoffs are confusing
Last edited by heidi on Thu, Aug 02 2018, 2:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
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SnowLeopard
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Thu, Aug 02 2018, 2:10 pm
My husband always brought something to our house when he would eat over (years before we even started dating). It was part of many ways he showed his excellent middos and he really stood out among the other boys. Still, when we go out, we try to bring something, and I think it really makes a difference and shows the kind of person that you are (appreciative, not taking advantage..). I am so lucky to be married to such a generous and kind man
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Iymnok
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Thu, Aug 02 2018, 2:27 pm
If he can’t afford a gift, helping serve and clear or otherwise help the hostess goes very far. Especially if he’s approaching shidduchim.
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