Frustrated about Lashon Hara

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 5:29 am

For the past long while, I’ve been very careful about not speaking or writing Lashon Hara. When those around me are gossiping, I try not to join. I think twice before sending any text that may possibly lead to a conv that will be Lashon Hara. Recently I’ve been having a harder time with it and haven’t been as good about it. And it feels so frustrating. As if all my efforts haven’t even helped me be a better person. It doesn’t feel any easier than before. It’s like I’m training for a marathon and not finding it any easier to run a mile even though I’ve been doing it for years. I’m not even particularly interested in gossip; yet it seems almost impossible when everyone around me seems to be so involved in it. Does it ever get easier?

amother

Beige

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 5:41 am

It helps to spend time with people who are good role models and to avoid yentas. (Which can be tough if they are your relatives.) Start conversations about ideas (or recipes).

LovesHashem

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 5:57 am

It also helps to spend time with people who respect you and your spiritual goals. I only recently started working on loshon hora but I had friends who would tell me they don't want to hear something since it's loshon hora, and it didn't feel preachy and stuff. I wouldn't say it because I respected them and the things they didn't want to hear without taking it personal that they were trying to preach to me.

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 2:32 pm

Yes, it's difficult. That's why it's called a nisoyon. The reason you keep staying with people who speak loshon hora is because those are the people you are used to. They won't change as a result of your change. You need to choose friends who have similar goals as you, which means changing family and friends as company. The struggle is difficult enough as is, you can make it easier with this step. For a looong time I was quite isolated at Simchas until I began finding people like me and I was shocked at a lot of these people. I used to view them as nebby until I looked for quality and ironically I found quality in the nebs. Now the loshon hora'niks are the ones laid back.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 2:43 pm

tf wrote:

This is so hard, because my friends are really there for me and I need them for my emotional health. Am I supposed to just throw away my support system?

Leriem

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 2:46 pm

amother wrote:

I really admire you. Don’t give up, the fact that you’ve made such progress, and now you feel like you might be reverting backwards, is simply the yetzer hara trying to ruin your progress and prevent you from climbing even higher! Don’t let him win!

Leriem

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 2:47 pm

grace413 wrote:

No.

I disagree. The more you stick to it, the better you get at it, to the point where you get turned off hearing others resort to the petty gossip.

Leriem

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 2:49 pm

amother wrote:

This is so hard, because my friends are really there for me and I need them for my emotional health. Am I supposed to just throw away my support system?

No. And a true friend (and any other upstanding, truly spiritual person) will respect you for your choice to work on minimizing lashon hara, not look down on you for it, or abandon the friendship! I so admire when I’m around people who u see change the subject or not respond when lashon hara starts!

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 3:05 pm

amother wrote:

This is so hard, because my friends are really there for me and I need them for my emotional health. Am I supposed to just throw away my support system?

Yes, it IS hard. But don't despair.
1- your friends might pick up your power and hang on to you as a result.
2 - most of klal yisroel are "there for you" and are willing to be the people you lean on, but others don't know you want them.
The process is where it's difficult. Once the transition is over, you have a much higher quality life and lifestyle.

HappyGoLucky1

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 8:59 pm

What helped me was getting comfortable flat out saying "change the subject.... It's LH" It was SO hard in the beginning, because who am I? I'm not better than anyone.. But once I got used to it, it surprisingly made a bigger difference than I expected. A true friend will respect you for it and maybe even learn from you. They will see you as a person of emes and if anything it would subtly enhance your friendship.

I'm not perfect, I still fall (probably too much) but it helps. I also try to remind myself of the bracha that is promised to someone who refrains from speaking/hearing LH...and who doesn't need more brachos!

amother

Slategray

Sun, Aug 05 2018, 9:43 pm

Two things that I've found help:

1. Reduce socializing with other women. Seriously, in Yiddish we say "alein es rein" - alone is pure.

2. Say "I've been having some hardships recently, so I'm really being careful to protect my mazal by not speaking lashon hora. Can we skip this?"