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Forum -> Parenting our children
What most affects your ability to be there for your kids?
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amother
Plum


 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 8:07 pm
If parents insist that their child work at a certain profession, or a certain amount of hours, that can be stifling to the child.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 8:07 pm
My anxiety
My sensory issues
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 8:15 pm
I'm exhausted from my job. I love it, but it takes lots of energy, and then I still need to keep the house running (of course that job doesn't pay enough for household help..).
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 8:18 pm
Zehava wrote:
My need for space


Me too. Not so much physical space, though that too sometimes, but emotional space. Sometimes I literally daydream about being alone.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 8:21 pm
My need for peace and quiet. I think this may be a result of my chaotic childhood and now I just crave peace and quiet and alone time with myself.
It's a real struggle to really listen, concentrate and focus when my kids talk to me and want to tell me stories etc. , my voice inside me is saying go into your room and lock the door and tune everyone out.
I know how important it is to be there for my kids so I try , but I'm just being honest here. For me to stop reading my own book so that I could read a book to my son takes an enormous amount of mental energy for me to do .
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 8:23 pm
Plain exhaustion. Work, maintaining a household, a marriage, and parenting - it can be physically and emotionally tiring.
Boredom. It’s not always easy or interesting to entertain or be around kids, and I’m just not present sometimes as a result.
Mental health - feeling depressed or disengaged.
Guilt - a somewhat subconscious but often pervasive feeling that I’m not doing a good enough job as a mother, sometimes brought on by comparing myself to other mothers and families. This itself can debilitating and cause a sense of disconnect in my own parenting.
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DVOM




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 8:24 pm
thunderstorm wrote:
My need for peace and quiet. I think this may be a result of my chaotic childhood and now I just crave peace and quiet and alone time with myself.
It's a real struggle to really listen, concentrate and focus when my kids talk to me and want to tell me stories etc. , my voice inside me is saying go into your room and lock the door and tune everyone out.
I know how important it is to be there for my kids so I try , but I'm just being honest here. For me to stop reading my own book so that I could read a book to my son takes an enormous amount of mental energy for me to do .


Yes, this. I don't have a chaotic childhood to blame it on though. Sometimes I feel like I was made more self centered than others. I can be perfectly happy alone for very long stretches of time. It is such a challenge to tune in sometimes.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 8:58 pm
I think when I'm feeling satisfied and happy myself, I can be there for others. When I take the time to see to my own needs and not overwhelmed by life, I can take care of my kids better.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 9:27 pm
I would like to thank all of the posters for their honesty in this thread. Seeing that so many are working on overcoming similar challenges is very reassuring and validating.

Wishing everyone the bracha my son gave me yesterday: That you should become the best mommy in the world! Smile
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wife2




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 11:03 pm
Not having enough time for myself
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amother
Teal


 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 11:22 pm
Most of the responses on this thread should not breed real resentment in children.

However I can share why I resent my parents so much. I’m not referring to not being there as in not giving me enough attention - they didn’t - but my real hurt is that they never took my side. Never stuck up for me. Never encouraged me. That’s just a small part of it. The only relationship I had with my father was when he was criticizing me. I hated him as far back as I can remember.

BUT

As an adult it seemed I got past most of this. We weren’t close but definitely amicable. And then I was going through a crisis and really could have used their help and instead they once again tried to stuff me into their suffocating mold and refused to help me the way I needed. They only “helped” as they saw fit, to fit their idea of what I should be and how others will see them. And then allll the childhood resentment came back. Because I realized - they were NEVER there for me.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Tue, Aug 07 2018, 11:23 pm
Zehava, Maya, thunderstorm, and DVMOM, THANK YOU for your honesty and especially thunderstorm for expressing it so well! I too have this challenge. I struggle all the time with this, and reading your posts brought tears to my eyes and validated my needs.

(No, I'm not crazy, selfish, an empty barrel that no amount of me-time will suffice, a loner, or a lazy mother. There are others like me out there. I have a great need to "be.")
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Wed, Aug 08 2018, 12:14 am
amother wrote:
I'm exhausted from my job. I love it, but it takes lots of energy, and then I still need to keep the house running (of course that job doesn't pay enough for household help..).


This for me too. I am constantly torn between my kids and my job and feel like my job gets in the way of the attention I would like to give them.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Wed, Aug 08 2018, 12:22 am
When my chronic pain condition flares up (which is often)
It is hard to distract from the pain, not feel depressed about the future, and be able to focus on giving to the kids now
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 08 2018, 1:04 am
amother wrote:
Zehava, Maya, thunderstorm, and DVMOM, THANK YOU for your honesty and especially thunderstorm for expressing it so well! I too have this challenge. I struggle all the time with this, and reading your posts brought tears to my eyes and validated my needs.

(No, I'm not crazy, selfish, an empty barrel that no amount of me-time will suffice, a loner, or a lazy mother. There are others like me out there. I have a great need to "be.")

Oh honey
You’re an introvert. Google it. It’ll change your life.
Ours is an extroverted world, that values being “out there” and “socializing” but we have a lot they don’t.
We think deeper, we feel deeper, we love deeper. Yes I do need space from my kids so I don’t spend as much time with them as I would ideally like, but I also understand them, accept them as they are, and am attuned to what they are feeling and what they are going through.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, Aug 08 2018, 3:04 am
amother wrote:
Most of the responses on this thread should not breed real resentment in children.

However I can share why I resent my parents so much. I’m not referring to not being there as in not giving me enough attention - they didn’t - but my real hurt is that they never took my side. Never stuck up for me. Never encouraged me. That’s just a small part of it. The only relationship I had with my father was when he was criticizing me. I hated him as far back as I can remember.

BUT

As an adult it seemed I got past most of this. We weren’t close but definitely amicable. And then I was going through a crisis and really could have used their help and instead they once again tried to stuff me into their suffocating mold and refused to help me the way I needed. They only “helped” as they saw fit, to fit their idea of what I should be and how others will see them. And then allll the childhood resentment came back. Because I realized - they were NEVER there for me.

Woooow, this is a really difficult nisoyon
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 08 2018, 3:31 am
amother wrote:
When my chronic pain condition flares up (which is often)
It is hard to distract from the pain, not feel depressed about the future, and be able to focus on giving to the kids now


Same here.

DD tries really hard to be patient with me, and not resentful. She knows I can't help it, and that I would be a better mom if I could. Still, I feel guilty a lot, and I probably spoil her when I shouldn't, to make up for it.
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oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 08 2018, 5:56 am
As a middle aged woman with grown children who is still dealing with difficult parents (ad mean v'esrim) I have a sense of perspective. My parents were (and are) clueless and I was a mess. I've been working on personal growth since my oldest was a year old and my kids are very successful and happy adults. I did find it crucial to understand and treat each one as an individual.

As long as you are aware and trying, you are halfway there. You will never be perfect, you can only do the best you can. Lack of sleep is a real killer.
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flmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 08 2018, 6:37 am
Anxiety
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 08 2018, 6:53 am
The current state of my emotional health

Trying to juggle it all (work, house, laundry, food prep, errands... and then the baby of course). Sometimes there is really no time to go on a outing just for him or sit on the floor and play together. I really don’t know how busier women then me manage.

And as others honestly said... The lack of me time and self care can really burn me. While I enjoy the company of my family and friends, and I am quite sociable, sometimes I just want to run away and be just around me! No crying toddler or nagging mom or needy husband or single friends that have time to yap for literally hours. (Ok they aren’t always that bad. I love them all... but they can get to that point and then I want to scream!!) so I go to my room, shut the door and take a half hour to myself. I usually feel better when I come out. Sometimes I might go do errands or get a manicure and leave my babes with DH.

I can’t underestimate the importance of self care for any woman especially a introvert or someone struggling with emotional, mental or physical health.
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