Dividing money for Sheva brochos

amother

Natural

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 12:55 pm

Am I being very petty?
We are making a Sheva brochos for a sister in law. We are 8 couple. I am from the younger half. I was under impression that only older kids like 12 and older were invited since it's the day after the wedding. So like 35 ppl. Last night person hosting says we are 50 ppl. I asked how??? She says all the kids. I said I have three but not bringing. It's two hours from me and on the first day of school. Most others said they are bringing. This morning I realized that it is going to cost way more because of all these kids. I opened my mouth.
It is literally 25 more kids. I said I don't think we should divide evenly. I am doing a TON of cooking for it. I don't feel I should pay for everyone else's kids. I thought we should divide decor evenly per family and divide the food per person. Everyone pay for who they brought + chosson and kallah and parents and single siblings we split evenly. I am speaking about close to 200 a family. If we do it my way some ppl will pay much more but they are also a lot more ppl. Like two sister in laws are coming with 8 kids each.....
Am I wrong?

amother

Natural

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 1:02 pm

amother wrote:

Yes. You are wrong. You are not taking your family out to eat and paying your part of the tab. It is a simcha being hosted by all of you and everyone should share the cost evenly.

It's way more because everyone is bringing kids that I didn't even know were invited. Let them not bring them if they can't afford to pay for it. I don't feel I need to pay for their food. I am taking about an extra 50 to 70 dollars per couple. There are three of us not bringing any kids at all....

If it was in a restaurant would it be different? The last two Sheva brochos we made I also had no kids there and were in halls and catered. I paid evenly....but relaly don't feel like doing it this time...

amother

Pink

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 1:04 pm

We split costs regardless of how many people each person brings.

Some of my SILs have 10+ kids and some have 3. We all pay the same amount for sheva brachos.

(The math doesn't add up: 20 more kids that are under age 12 in a family of 8 couples - and some aren't bringing kids. I'm assuming then a lot of those kids are very very young. I'm thinking 5 kids under 12 per the 4 couples bringing kids. In that case they shouldn't be eating too much anyways -

I don't see how that is $50 * 8= $400 extra - something isn't adding up. )

amother

Natural

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 1:06 pm

chatz wrote:

You are right. But it's not worth fighting about.

If you can't afford it, it would be better to say, I can just pay $x. But if you can, consider it a sacrifice for the sake of shalom.

People get so stressed about simchas, it sucks out all the joy.

I usually swallow things but in this family I have paid out the most from everyone for things and I honestly don't feel like doing it this time.

amother

Natural

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 1:21 pm

amother wrote:

We dont have exact figures but it is 22 more kids under bar/bar mitzvah. We are hoping it will be way less like 150 a family. We are making portions for the kids. Maybe my numbers are off but it is a lot more than what it would be without them.

Maybe out communication was just bad because I and no clue anyone (besides hostess) was bringing any little kids until last night.

amother

Pink

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 1:29 pm

The numbers still aren't adding up.

If 22 kids are about $50 extra per family. That is $18 per person.

$18 * 50 people

It still comes out to $112 per familiy.

If it is $70 extra for 22 kids then it is $192 per family - still not that much more.

Is it really that much more then $150 its worth it to get so upset?

What do you anticipate your costs being now over $150?

amother

Natural

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 1:38 pm

[quote="amother"]The numbers still aren't adding up.

If 22 kids are about $50 extra per family. That is $18 per person.

$18 * 50 people

It still comes out to $112 per familiy.

If it is $70 extra for 22 kids then it is $192 per family - still not that much more.

Is it really that much more then $150 its worth it to get so upset?

What do you anticipate your costs being now over $150?[/quote

I am making 4 things for it others are doing the rest. I don't know why the figures are so high.The person in charge told me it will be about 150-175 a family. I think they got very expensive paper goods since it cost 250 just for that and waiters. I don't know exactly the cost of the food.
Maybe I shouldnt make a big deal and normally I am the one who is always giving. There has been A TON OF STRESS going on because of this wedding that I never ever would have thought would ever happen. (Ranging from insisting kids can only wear one specific gown to other stuff)
And I am just stressed out and don't feel like paying more than I need to. I actually wanted to host this Sheva brochos since I actually love hosting and would have galdly done the work. And a couple of my sister in laws went behind my back even though I had said I would host it when they got engaged and decided they don't want me to do it since they want it near them. I can afford the money I guess I am just wveybstressed out and upset at them and honestly don't want to pay for their 20 kids to eat. Let them pay for it or get a babysitter and leave them at home.

bling3

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 1:39 pm

Wow! This has always been a sore topic which always resurfaces with Simchos, B"H. Not only does the money become an issue, sometimes it's who is doing the lion share of work.
I understand your position, where you don't want to be paying for your siblings kids, when you yourself are not bringing your own children. I've experienced the same thing being towards the younger half of my family. Now we are making nieces/nephew's Sheva Brochos also, so the saga continues.
In the end we all end up dividing the cost evenly. It's less complicated that way avoids fights. At a recent Sheva Brochos one of my siblings chipped in a little more since she was bringing married couples and more children. But that was something she did on her own without anyone asking her.
Good luck with this. Try not to let hurt feelings ruin the simcha.

Chayalle

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 2:41 pm

I think ideally these things should've been discussed at the outset - how many people it will be, whether kids are being brought, and who will pay for what. Because otherwise, there will be misunderstandings.

I know someone who is somewhat special-needs, as is her husband...they don't have an extra penny to their name. They are from a large family, and every year or so (or more often!) someone makes a wedding, and they get informed that there will be a Sheva Brachos in a restaurant, at say, $250 per couple - split evenly. She has learned to say up front, something to the effect of - I'm happy to join, but max I can pay is $100. Please don't count on more than that from us. That's what we can afford (truth is, they can barely afford that.)

For some reason, people think that when there's a Simcha in the family, everyone just has to cough up. Some people need to know that not everyone can. That's just the way it is.

OP, lesson learned - in the future, state from the outset what you are or are not willing to do.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 2:43 pm

Superwifey, she's not being petty at all! If this isnt going on in your family, thank god for it & stay quiet. But don't call OP petty!
I understand your situation as in our family, me as the oldest always ends up doing the lions share of everything. $150 per couple for 8 couples is tons of money, & it's doesn't even include food. We're doing a sheva brachos for the same amount- $150 per couple & it does include food.
I would try to convince everyone not to bring their kids, it is a day after the wedding, I don't see how that's managable. OP, you can also mention casually in a non confrontational manner that you feel that you always contribute the most. But no fighting, it doesn't pay!! Good luck!

shevi82

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 2:52 pm

amother wrote:

We do this too. split the cost.Everyone pays the same ammount. It is so not worth the fight, remind yourself that Shalom is worth way more. Just let it go.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 3:25 pm

amother wrote:

It's petty if she can afford it. But if she's counting every penny, it's not so petty.

This when my family made shev a brachos I said straight out I can barely put food on my own table let alone feed a hundred people. Bh in the end I just made salads and brought drinks.

Those that aren’t counting pennies can’t understand

amother

Natural

Thu, Aug 16 2018, 3:55 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks for the validation. It happens to be I am smack in middle of the family but our family is extremely different types. The older half is more heimish/streimel. The younger half is down hat. Not yeshivish. Usually the older half (who have many kids) are very petty to the penny. When we buy a gift it's literally to the cent. The younger siblings usually end up contributing a lot more just because we aren't usually as petty or can afford more. Also as the younger half we don't usually have much of a voice about things. I usually shush up. (Most of them actually owe me money I laid out from the last simcha). I guess because of the politics and lots of hurt feelings going on from the wedding I don't want to pay more than my share. I would gladly have paid had things been said upfront but they weren't and it was a huge surprise to me that so many kids were coming.