Dividing money for Sheva brochos

Rutabaga

Fri, Aug 17 2018, 9:01 am

amother wrote:

Op here. I also agree that kids should be invites to a shabbos. I also have no problem with kids coming. I am not bringing my kids as it's is [crazy] for me to. I don't have a problem if there are kids there however I still feel if u are bringing 8 kids you should pay for ur kids. If I brought that amount of kids I would definitely offer to pay more since I have kids coming. If I had known on the beginning it wouldn't be a big deal as I can afford it bh. However there has been a lot of hurt feelings since the engagement and I was was hurt many many times. I was especially hurt when this Sheva brochos was pulled out from under me with no warning and no one gave a darn. As I stated I was willing and actually really really wanted to host. AND THEY ALL KNEW SINCE WE WERE DISCUSSIBGBTHE MENU ALREADY WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY SENT A TEXT OUT THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS HOSTING. I was treated like no one cares about me and now I don't feel like paying for their kids. I don't see why I should. If I was dealt with like a mentch I would feel differently but I wasn't. And I am hurt. That being said....I don't feel like contributing to their kids. Again I am being petty but it is coming out of hurt. I am the one who always offers to host first. Tries to get together. Etc. Most have them have never even come to me since "it's too hard and I am to far" but I am expected to drive in for every little thing. Ironically I am "too far" but they go to the others who are an hour further than me. I am literally a minute off the highway. Same with my in laws. They will go to a wedding in the hall four minutes from my house but God forbid ever even stop by.

I guess I am hurt.

I don't want to derail the thread, but I couldn't let this pass without comment. The use of the word "[crazy]" as a pejorative is extremely offensive to people, particularly those of us on Imamother who have family members with special needs or disabilities. Perhaps you meant to use the word ridiculous instead?

In any case, I have the utmost sympathy for you, OP. You are stuck in a difficult situation.

rdmom

Fri, Aug 17 2018, 1:22 pm

Oh boy. This sounds just like a family Simcha on my husbands side of the family. Can you tell I hate going?

The younger half don’t want to pay. They say, that by the time they will make Simcha’s, everybody will be so burnt out that nobody will make for them. And they don’t want to pay for the older half who will be bringing their couples. So basically, every time a Simcha comes up, there is major politics. Every single time

flowerpower

Fri, Aug 17 2018, 1:33 pm

amother wrote:

Yes. You are wrong. You are not taking your family out to eat and paying your part of the tab. It is a simcha being hosted by all of you and everyone should share the cost evenly.

I didn’t read the whole thread but you are wrong. If you invite couples then you divide it evenly. No reason she should pay for her sils 8 kids. They should stay home or pay for their own kids portions. It would never fly in my family. And we made many simchas together bh.

amother

Burgundy

Sat, Aug 18 2018, 8:17 am

You’re hurting and rightfully so.
BH we’ve made several chassuna’s and sheva brochos have added way more stress than the chassuna.
But as parents we are the ones who foot the bill as we don’t think our kids should.
I’d love to have OP for a DIL! Just offering to host SB would be awesome.
You’re not being petty. Just hurt . Personally I would not stew in resentment and be passive aggressive but simply tell them the way you feel. Tell them what you wrote here about you hosting etc & how hurt you are by that.
Some people are just clueless.

mammale

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 6:49 am

amother wrote:

So wise.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Aug 19 2018, 2:44 pm

I totally hear you OP. We BH aren't exactly penny pinching, however my husband's family tend to take a yearly vacation together. They find a villa in some not too far location, rent it out for a week and we all pitch in with cost and cooking.
Well, the first few years of my marriage I was paying an equal share to the sibling who had a ton of kids. Regardless that she required 3 bedrooms and I only 1. I was also prepping and buying an equal share of to everyone else, Even though they had large families and for us we were just 1 couple. It got to a stage where I just didn't have the sized pots or pans which were needed to make all that food in.

Well guess what? I decided those vacations are no longer for me. I do not fancy cooking for an enormous amount of people, and paying for a huge villa my own family do not need. And even though my family is BH matching the size of most of the others now, I'm burnt out by the thought of vacationing together, and I still feel resentful to the past vacations where I wasn't able to stand up for myself. And so we no longer attend these gatherings.
There is a point where you say, no more! I'm opting out. And they look at you funny but they get over it. Same with planning joint parties and events. I'm just not on board, because it tends to be situation where you are taken advantage of. They still owe money from the last time? They all want their kids there but you disagree? Time to opt out.