Seminary Girls & Yeshiva Boys at Meal in Hotel

Alternative

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 4:03 am

amother wrote:

They are not taking no for answer. They feel its our responsibility to host their kid for at least one meal. If I have to host everybody’s child that I once said hello to it would cost me thousands of dollars.

She also said this.
Her problem isn't only the tzniyut issue, it's the expense. Both together just emphasize the fact she needs to say no.

salt

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 4:09 am

Alternative wrote:

She also said this.
Her problem isn't only the tzniyut issue, it's the expense. Both together just emphasize the fact she needs to say no.

ooops you're right! I didn't read every post carefully.
Then that is different. That is definitely a little pushy to insist something like that.

devo1982

Sun, Aug 26 2018, 7:41 pm

OP, I would just repeat the message more firmly. If you need to make the seminary the "bad guy" to reinforce your position, I would not hesitate to do so. "I'm sorry, we are already hosting DD's friends from seminary, and mixed dining for Shabbos is frowned upon. I'm sure you understand." Rinse, repeat, and disengage. I'm still floored by the utter chutzpah of essentially inviting their boys to you at a hotel when it costs so much money.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Aug 28 2018, 8:53 am

OP here
Thank you for all your responses. One mother said she understands when I spoke to her. But she sounded a little upset. The other mother said her son does not care to be the only boy and he can sit next to my husband. We spoke to our daughter and she said she does not want this boy at the meal with her friends and definetly not with a meal just our family. I will keep on saying no.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Aug 28 2018, 8:55 am

devo1982 wrote:

I'm still floored by the utter chutzpah of essentially inviting their boys to you at a hotel when it costs so much money.

Some people feel if you can afford to go to Israel you can afford to also take care of their children. I am not sure why so many people feel this way.

amother

Puce

Tue, Aug 28 2018, 8:59 am

amother wrote:

Some people feel if you can afford to go to Israel you can afford to also take care of their children. I am not sure why so many people feel this way.

Because meals cost much less than plane tickets and a hotel. But yeah, it's still wildly inappropriate to ask someone to pay for your child's meals.

Chayalle

Tue, Aug 28 2018, 9:36 am

When I was in seminary, a family friend invited me for a meal (with a friend) and when we came, we found out she was hosting about 10 yeshiva boys. She told me she always invites some girls for the meal, to help her serve.

I can't begin to tell you how uncomfortable we were.

No, OP, it's not typically done. Your guests may be very uncomfortable if you host both genders. Some would likely not come if they knew that in advance.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Aug 28 2018, 9:40 am

Chayalle wrote:

I would be uncomfortable coming like hired help, not because of the boys!
This is why we need feminism. Males cant help serve???

amother

Cerise

Tue, Aug 28 2018, 9:42 am

amother wrote:

Because meals cost much less than plane tickets and a hotel. But yeah, it's still wildly inappropriate to ask someone to pay for your child's meals.

When I go abroad, I save for it for years and budget every expense. I dont save up to treat strangers' kids to a five star meal.

amother

Jade

Tue, Aug 28 2018, 9:51 am

unfortunately sometimes some people think only about a solution to their "issue" not what it means for you -- good for you for checking with your daughter and for saying no and sticking to it

obviously you went for your daughter! And that is your priority!

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Aug 28 2018, 9:58 am

amother wrote:

Because meals cost much less than plane tickets and a hotel. But yeah, it's still wildly inappropriate to ask someone to pay for your child's meals.

My daughter is in Israel now and acording to the MASA rules I believe she is actually not allowed to come home for more then a certain amount of time. (basically pesach)

We actually live in Europe so tickets home are not so much. BH we have lots of relatives there so I don't think she will be imposing on anyones hotel meals. (and I would not ask)

amother

Puce

Tue, Aug 28 2018, 10:12 am

Chayalle wrote:

Ramban on this past week's parsha - we don't allow Ammon and Moav to marry into Bnei Yisrael because when we were in the midbar, they did not come out to serve us bread and water. Why does the prohibition of marrying in apply only to the men? Because it's the job of men to bring out food for guests.

Seriously, it's breathtakingly awful that someone would invite girls to help serve. I live in Israel and host many yeshiva boys and seminary girls. (On alternate weeks!) The boys serve and clear. It's basic mentschlichkeit. I'm so sorry you were treated like a servant.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Aug 28 2018, 6:53 pm

When I was in seminary, I was invited with 2 friends to a meal by a young couple. When I got there, I saw that there were about 6 bochurim too.
The wife explained that her husband doesn't like to sing alone if they just have girl guests and he feels uncomfortable talking to them. She doesn't like to be the only girl when they have bochurim, so she invited girls for herself and boys for him.
It was weird and I kept thinking that this is one shana rishona couple that just shouldn't have guests on shabbos!

imasoftov

Wed, Aug 29 2018, 3:59 am

amother wrote:

How is your experience related to how long they were married?

Aylat

Wed, Aug 29 2018, 7:06 am

Chayalle wrote:

Boys can and should serve/clear!

farm

Wed, Aug 29 2018, 10:31 am

As others mentioned, nothing is stopping the woman who is pressuring you from calling any hotel and arranging meals for her son. She can even tell her son to find a friend and treat the two of them to hotel meals.

pbandjelly

Wed, Aug 29 2018, 2:46 pm

I wish all the seminarys and yesivas would serve Yom tov and shabbos meals to their students! Or at least set them up with families. It can be difficult for students to arrange their own meals (and sometimes sleeping arrangements) when they have no friends or family in Israel. Especially at the beginning of the year.

To the OP - good luck with sticking to your decision and and saying 'no.' You need to do what's best for your family. It is so nice that you are hosting some of your daughter's friends.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Aug 29 2018, 7:36 pm

pbandjelly wrote:

All the Yeshivas I know of do serve meals on Shabbos and Yom Tov. I think it's often just that they prefer to eat out.