How long did it take?

amother

Silver

Wed, Aug 29 2018, 10:04 pm

How long did it take to adjust to a big move? We moved to an oot community about a month ago and I am miserable. We still have our apartment which we are not going to sell right away in case this doesn't work out. How long does it take to adjust? I'm having an incredibly hard time. I feel depressed all the time. Does the adjustment ever get easier? It just feels like there is just too much to adjust to. I have never lived in a house. I left my mother's apartment at the age of 22 to get married, then now left my apartment with my family after twelve years. Going from an apartment to a house, imho, is a huge adjustment in and of itself. Forget about the fact I left behind family to move here. That's a whole different ball game. Leaving family behind is tearing my heart apart. But I moved for my husband, which I am seeing a lot of lately. "Well, I never wanted to move, but I did it for my husband...." I absolutely hate this. All I want to do is go back home. Whenever it's time to head back from somewhere, I have been saying "let's go back to the house." I can't seem to bring myself to say "let's go back home." We still have our apartment so we can go back. The thing is, I want to go back now. The last thing I want to hear is "give it time." I have been hearing this left and right. I don't want to hear that anymore. It really doesn't help! Any sound advice for someone who is suffering? I read somewhere from a different post that it took someone about 2 years to fully acclimate to a move. If that's really how long it takes (I know everyone's time frame is different) I don't think I could go through with that. Also, yuntif is right around the corner. If we stay here, we will be here for the yomim tovim, which is incredibly difficult to do without family😭

tachles

Wed, Aug 29 2018, 11:03 pm

I too remember your other threads and I’m sorry to hear it’s still been difficult for you. I’ll tell you, it’s hard to adjust to a new community over the summer. Soon things will fall into a routine you’ll meet other families through school , through the Shul during holidays.
Try to think, since you can always leave and move back it doesn’t hurt to try to make this work. You’ll always be able to move back .
How much will you miss out ? A few YT with your extended family? You’ll hopefully make new friendships that you may even choose to keep up with even if you do move back. Try to relax and enjoy your new community for now.
Maybe Hashem thinks you need to have some YT on your own to realize you can do it, to create your own special minhagim or ways of doing YT, to focus on your core family unit.
Remove the pressure you can move back eventually if this is not better for you. You are not stuck.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Aug 29 2018, 11:17 pm

OP, have any community members invited you out for any Shabbos or YT meals? Have people been welcoming? Any women in the community to whom you can relate?
If you can answer yes to any of the above, then I would give it more time. It does take time to develop real relationships and there probably is potential.

I had moved from Lkwd where all my family is to a small, real oot community, and did it primarily for my husband. It was a big cultural change. However, people were really nice and though I'm no longer there, I made some really nice friends with whom I'm still in touch.

If you want to try to make it work, then it will. However your first priority is to make an effort to meet and get to know like minded people. If you don't put in any effort then it's less likely that you'll ever break in.
Good luck!!

amother

Beige

Wed, Aug 29 2018, 11:42 pm

I grew up OOT in a house and after I got married lived in an apartment in NY for 20 years and hated it. By the time we moved back OOT I felt like a bird let out of a cage. My kids on the other hand miss NY and miss their friends. They like having a house but they say they would be happy back in NY living in a tiny apartment. (Even that is upgefregt for us though because we couldn't afford a rental in NY at today's prices.) I guess it all depends what you're used to.

Rachel Shira

Thu, Aug 30 2018, 12:16 am

I was one of the ones who said that it took me two years to adjust, and unfortunately I don’t have better advice than to give it time. I also encourage you to actively try to improve your life there, which is something I didn’t do and wish I did. Find ways to meet people, do fun things in your town, etc. Make it yours.
Also, I’m not sure knowing you could go back is helping you. Why did you move? Did you buy your house? Are the kids enrolled in schools? What I’m asking is, would you really be able to move back just like that? I would assume it’s not really totally feasible, and as hard as it is I would try to start transitioning out of the mindset that you can always go back.
I really feel for you, moving is tough.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Aug 30 2018, 2:41 pm

I moved a lot when I was a kid - 11 times, due to my father's job (he was a high level supervisor and the company would relocate him based on their current needs). It was hard but it was also exciting! New people, new places, new way of doing things. If you look at it as an adventure and a chance to temporarily experience something new, it's easier.

If you start looking for ways to give in your new community - people who need you - it will help. I mean, Hashem sent you there for a reason, right? You probably have a lot to give this new place.

amother

Pearl

Thu, Aug 30 2018, 2:57 pm

I think a lot of people who have grown up and lived in town near family don't understand the extent to which friends and neighbors can and do fill many of the roles played by family. I grew up OOT. Our family came in from NY fo occasions, and we visited them and were close. But it was my next door neighbor who I went to after school on the days my mother was working, and our friends who made us food and helped us out when someone was sick or life got too crazy. And we shared (and still share) in their simchos like family.

It is so hard to move. I agree that the summer is even harder, because of the lack of routine. And knowing that you have the option to go back may actually be making it harder. Join a shiur, or a chesed activity- you will see the same people regularly and that will start you off.

miami85

Thu, Aug 30 2018, 3:08 pm

We just moved OOT mainly for MY job and I'm not loving it, at least I'm still in adjustment phase while missing the comfort and benefits of my old job. I knew I couldn't stay there for my own career progress. Things are so discombobulated with all the things that I'm expected to figure out for various members of my household all the while my own life has been topsy-turvy--oh and yom tov is next weekend and I'm on strict deadlines...

amother

Emerald

Thu, Aug 30 2018, 4:09 pm

I remember your other threads, and it's difficult not to be harsh here.

What you're going through is called "growing up". I, along with thousands and thousands of people, move away from our hometown all the time. We all don't have our mommies and daddies next door. We all move away from our bestest friends from second grade and make NEW friends.

But God made a wondrous, incredible world. It's a world with cell phones and FaceTime and WhatsApp and literally every type of communication device you could ever ask for, so it feels like all your family members are right there with you whenever you want.

You have a house! You don't live in an apartment anymore! I mean, you really need to take a moment to stop crying. The worst thing you can do, which is exactly what you're doing, is to wallow in the past endlessly. Nothing happened to you. All beginnings are hard, but you're making it worse by refusing to give it a chance.

Chabad people literally pick up their entire lives and move to countries where they don't have ANY friends or family and have to learn a new language. And so many of them, who are my dearest friends, have just the best attitude about it all. It's an adventure. LIFE is an adventure.

amother

Red

Thu, Aug 30 2018, 6:52 pm

Op, I understand a lot of what you're going through. I grew up in NYC and I don't think I'll ever like living in the suburbs. There is not a single positive thing about suburban life, IMO. However, what I can say is that I'm not miserable because bh I'm now living in a nice community with friends and a shul I like, and I'm able to be involved in the community. The first suburban community we lived in was a disaster. In addition to hating everything that comes with suburbs, the people were just awful, I didnt fit in and couldn't make a single friend (and not for lack of trying!) and I fell into a severe depression. We moved after just 3 years there because it just was not working out. Now, we're in a community that is a much better fit. It's still suburban, and I still hate living in the suburbs. But I have friends here, good neighbors, a good shul etc. I am able to go into the city often even to scratch the itch at least somewhat.

I say this not to say that everything is perfect- it's not, and many of the things I really don't like cannot be changed. I totally understand why this move is so hard on you. But by at least giving my community a chance, even if I'm not thrilled with the geographical location, I'm generally happy. Try to stop thinking about the circumstances (house in suburbs vs apt in city) and give the community a chance. If you can't even do that, then yes, you'll be wallowing in misery. But if your community is a good one, that will DEFINITELY help. I know because I've seen it both ways. A bad one can absolutely make everything worse, but a good one can make it better, even if you never fully adjust to the suburbs. You haven't even given them a chance! Of course your happiness matters, and if you're really miserable, your husband needs to give that consideration. But you owe him a good faith effort to make it work. You can't sit at home crying and then complain it's not working if you haven't even tried to meet people, go to shul events, explore the town etc. I also recognize you from previous posts and agree you probably need some therapy to get you unstuck from this negative pattern.

Oh, and definitely try to visit the city at least once a week. It really is a mechaya for a city girl Smile