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Why do people think DILs like to take sons from family?
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 3:19 am
Why do people think that women like to take away their husband from his family?
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amother
Beige


 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 3:30 am
I think some mothers like to be the woman in their son's life. The idea that someone else will prepare his favorite foods and choose his clothing is threatening to
- women who define themselves through their children
- mothers who can't face the idea of their children growing up
- women who think that the way they do things is the only right way

Still, there are plenty of mothers in law who like their daughters in law.
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Rubber Ducky




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 5:24 am
"A man shall therefore leave his mother and father and be united with his wife, and they shall become one flesh." — Bereishis 2:24

Not everybody handles that transition well. B"H wonderful DIL and I get along extremely well. And we're related by marriage. Wink
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 5:39 am
Bec some mils dont let their sons and dils have space/privacy to build their marriage and invest in it with their spouse. Some mils dont want to "let go of their sons" and still continue telling him what to do and dont want their sons to "listen/discuss" life choices with their wives who may have opposing viewpoints than their mils.

Therefore, the dil has no choice but to "cut back " a little from the mil otherwise there will be no marriage. I had to do this bec my mil was "married to my dh". My mil even told my dh to mislead me about a couch he got for our apt. He did eventually tell me. I was upset but I knew that he was trying to "honor his mom" by listening to her bec she said dont tell me. But clearly his mom was not encouraging my dh to think about my feelings etc bec why encourage your son to mislead his future wife, what a great way to start off a marriage...(sarcastic) but clearly she was only thibking of herself.

My mil probably thinks I took her son away from her and the grandkids...but the truth is she should never have encouraged her son to get married if she cant "let go of him". Mils have a hard time respecting dils who are their opposite. Mils have a hard time acknowledging that they cant make decisions/choices for their sons anymore. Mils have a hard time letting dils be the one making choices/decisions with their sons. This is why they think dils take their sons away.

If a mil can truly and honoestly love their dil as their son. If the mil can let go"" of their sons and not control them...then those mils will not think their dil is taking their sons away
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 5:46 am
I'm sorry this thread isn't hug-enabled.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 6:39 am
When I married DH and his younger brother was not yet married, MIL said to me, “my dream is for him to marry an orphan.” Why? So she wouldn’t have to share her son for holidays and they would always only come to her. No, she was not joking.
The first years of my marriage I felt like MIL was DH’s other wife. He had to consult her on everything. This was not easy to break.
Is it any wonder that with such MILs that there are women who feel the need to help their husbands withdraw a bit from their moms?
It’s not “taking them away”. It’s shifting their focus to their new priority/ reality.
A smart mother will understand this and embrace her new DIL rather than see her as the enemy.
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 6:51 am
amother wrote:
Why do people think that women like to take away their husband from his family?
Because it's true, but only because some men are enmeshed with their families in unhealthy ways, and this prevents them from forming a properly intimate relationship with their wives.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 7:55 am
On a more practical point - many women take care of social arrangements for their family and thus they may end up spending more time with the wife's family.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 8:20 am
amother wrote:
Why do people think that women like to take away their husband from his family?


Read the threads here, and you'll get it.

Here's a good one. Do I have to host my MIL for holidays? And one of her complaints -- her husband speaks privately to his mother. Think about that. Do you include your husband in every conversation that you have with your mother?

That's just one example. Hardly a day goes by where there's not a thread about how women prefer to be "home" (and they don't mean their home, they mean with their parents), why do they have to go to their in-laws. There's no question that for most of these people, their in-laws are people to be tolerated, not welcomed in their lives, or their kids' lives.

Look into yourself. Do you welcome your in-laws as easily as you welcome your parents? Give them the same welcome to your home, access to your kids? Do you visit your in-laws with equal frequency? If not, you've got your answer.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 8:23 am
Because lots of women hate their inlaws whether for valid reasons or not.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 8:43 am
I'll never forget right after my wedding my DH was very sick and I was nursing him around the clock. It was my first time having to take care of an ill person. As soon as Shabbos was over my inlaws were calling to see how DH was doing. My DH told his mother , " my wife is the best nurse and she is really taking care of me" My MIL got SO insulted that he found my care better than hers or just as good as hers. That's when I realized there is that very strong motherly instinct to take care of your kids and it's hard to let go. Baruch HaShem the more my husband told my MIL positive things about me the more she liked me and the more relaxed she was that she didn't have to "check up on him". Nowadays she will put me before her own daughters sometimes. My DH still has huge respect for his parents and will drive four hours on a Sunday to say hello to them and show his face, just out of kibbud Av v'aim. I wish I was on that level. I see my parents maybe twice a year and they only live an hour and a half away.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 8:44 am
amother wrote:
Why do people think that women like to take away their husband from his family?


Many times they get jealous! Believe it or not. They should be shepping naches instead
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amother
Natural


 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 8:44 am
I didn't know the "hug" option could be removed! Want to throw out some big hugs.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 8:48 am
flowerpower wrote:
Many times they get jealous! Believe it or not. They should be shepping naches instead

An some are just imfarginners. Don't know the English word for that.
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krembo




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 8:57 am
Because daughters will typically call home a lot to shmooze with their mothers and ask advice. They naturally tend to share what's going on in their lives with their mothers. Sons usually don't have that same innate drive, so there's going to be less "caring & sharing" coming from the son, and the MIL feels like she doesn't really know what's going on in her son's life anymore. The DIL probably feels a certain distance from her MIL, so she doesn't do the same type of sharing she does with her mother.

The MIL ends up feeling left out of their lives. She didn't feel that way before her son got married, because he wasn't doing anything new and exciting (like raising a family, career, etc.) so there wasn't much to be kept updated on. But now all this new exciting stuff is going on and she doesn't get to be fully in the picture, so it's human to feel like it's the DIL who kind of took away your son, because before you always knew about the important stuff that was going on in his life.

Also if a daughter's upset about something, she'll talk to her husband, but she'll also call her mother for comfort and advice, but many men won't do that. It's sad loving your child so much, and having so much life wisdom to give, but knowing that he doesn't want your advice and support anymore, and prefers to talk things over with his wife only. It's especially hard if you see them making mistakes that you could have helped prevent!

(Disclaimer: I'm not a MIL yet, so just guessing based on my experience with my MIL.)
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Rubber Ducky




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 9:11 am
amother wrote:
I didn't know the "hug" option could be removed! Want to throw out some big hugs.


There are a few forums here with no hugs. "In the News" is another. I assume it's because of hug abuse — ie, using a hug to express dislike rather than to show sympathy or love.
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mom!




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 9:11 am
A good way I find to keep her feeling involved without me getting nervous from her:) I will call her for a recipe that we ate by her over a Shabbos or yomtov, stupid advice for things that I wont care what she has to say ex, how to get wax off my leichter tray, how many days she would leave a package of chicken in the fridge ect. My husband has no sisters, so I know this means a lot.
Note, that for other things ex: kid not feeling well, personal advice for my own life, birth control ect I would NEVER call her as that I wouldn't handle. I know we don't usually see eye to eye on these things (she is a real panicker)
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 9:14 am
krembo wrote:
Because daughters will typically call home a lot to shmooze with their mothers and ask advice. They naturally tend to share what's going on in their lives with their mothers. Sons usually don't have that same innate drive, so there's going to be less "caring & sharing" coming from the son, and the MIL feels like she doesn't really know what's going on in her son's life anymore. The DIL probably feels a certain distance from her MIL, so she doesn't do the same type of sharing she does with her mother.

The MIL ends up feeling left out of their lives. She didn't feel that way before her son got married, because he wasn't doing anything new and exciting (like raising a family, career, etc.) so there wasn't much to be kept updated on. But now all this new exciting stuff is going on and she doesn't get to be fully in the picture, so it's human to feel like it's the DIL who kind of took away your son, because before you always knew about the important stuff that was going on in his life.

Also if a daughter's upset about something, she'll talk to her husband, but she'll also call her mother for comfort and advice, but many men won't do that. It's sad loving your child so much, and having so much life wisdom to give, but knowing that he doesn't want your advice and support anymore, and prefers to talk things over with his wife only. It's especially hard if you see them making mistakes that you could have helped prevent!

(Disclaimer: I'm not a MIL yet, so just guessing based on my experience with my MIL.)


But as I said, note the thread where the woman complained about her MIL because her husband (the MIL's son) was talking to her privately.

Maybe its not that the sons don't have the "innate drive" to talk to their mothers, but that shalom bayit tells them they can't share with their mothers.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 9:15 am
Rubber Ducky wrote:
There are a few forums here with no hugs. "In the News" is another. I assume it's because of hug abuse — ie, using a hug to express dislike rather than to show sympathy or love.


Hugs here are akin to the Southern "bless her heart." I'm guessing the poster knows that , and that's why she wants to hug. But I could be wrong.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Fri, Aug 31 2018, 9:16 am
amother wrote:
When I married DH and his younger brother was not yet married, MIL said to me, “my dream is for him to marry an orphan.” Why? So she wouldn’t have to share her son for holidays and they would always only come to her. No, she was not joking.
The first years of my marriage I felt like MIL was DH’s other wife. He had to consult her on everything. This was not easy to break.
Is it any wonder that with such MILs that there are women who feel the need to help their husbands withdraw a bit from their moms?
It’s not “taking them away”. It’s shifting their focus to their new priority/ reality.
A smart mother will understand this and embrace her new DIL rather than see her as the enemy.


Wow your MIL is almost as sweet as mine. My MIL told me to my face that she wishes I didn't have a mother...
And then she wonders why I don't want to spend time with her.
Of course I have a hard time feeling warm feelings towards her when she often says these kinds of things! She doesn't even think she said anything weird!
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