Why do people think DILs like to take sons from family?

amother

Orchid

Fri, Aug 31 2018, 1:53 pm

Sometimes they're right, we do take our DHs away. But it's not malicious, it's just life.

My DH is a very good listener and all almost 12 years after I got married MIL tells me I "stole" her listener. I didn't. He just got married and has a family and a job and responsibilities so he can't shmooze for an hour on the phone whenever she feels like it. Also she can't send him to get something heavy from the basement or attic if he's at home eating dinner with his wife. She can't send him to the shop for a dozen eggs at the drop of a hat anymore. And she doesn't see him regularly. Again it's not malicious, it's just life, but it's hard for her.

We do try hard to stay connected to both sets of parents but practically it can get difficult. We're both working and ka"h have a growing family. We call a few times a week, send pics sometimes, visit when we have the time and the money (getting less and less frequent as our family grows, but again, it's not malicious, just life).

My MIL is a wonderful person but she wasn't and still isn't ready for DH to be an adult with his own life and family so she resents my presence because in her mind it's my fault. But I know that DH made the decision to marry me and his being a responsible married adult is in partnership with me, not because I've kidnapped him or otherwise forced him into this situation.

Ruchel

Fri, Aug 31 2018, 2:04 pm

Then they complain their sons have sb problems - their dils are cold - c'v their sons are divorced/don't have kids/alone with kids/don't see their kids.

YES THERE ARE BAD DILS but if she's 'fine', halachically correct... BACK OFF!!

As my neighbour, who is a dil and a mil, says, if these women LOVED their sons enough they'd make an effort.

BABYBLUE I've seen nice and normal dils switch to what you depict and more because the mil was rude, isnensitive, intrusive or guilt tripping.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 31 2018, 3:00 pm

These posts are so sad.

I don't have any sons, but if I did, I hope that I would want him to find a soul mate who would "take him away". I would want him to be so happy, I'd be happy just to see him happy.

I have an older brother whom I'm very close to - still am. In the early years of his marriage, I felt a bit like he was super-involved with my SIL and we didn't talk so much like we used to, but I told myself that was good! And it was! B"H he's happily married, and I respect my SIL even though she's not like me or my type at all - that's fine, she makes him happy, they are a great couple and have a beautiful family B"H. A few years down the line (well, more than a few - they are married for more than 20 years B"AH) and now I can talk to him much more (especially since phone calls to Israel are much cheaper these days). I think having had that adjustment period with space, he's now much more ready to share....

I know someone whose inlaws live OOT, and she told me that the 2-3 times per year that she would go to her inlaws, her MIL told her "you have him a whole year, now he's mine while he's here." I kid you not. Her MIL insisted that he walk home with her from shul and exclude his wife from that walk, left her DIL out of conversations, monopolized her son's attention. After a few miserable visits with resulting repercussions to their SB, this woman was told by her Rav that she has no obligation to visit there. The result is that her inlaws see her husband and kids even less, as they no longer go for Yomim Tovim.

Advice to mothers of sons - leave go, give space, and then you won't lose your son. Hold on tight, and they will run away.....

amother

Peach

Fri, Aug 31 2018, 3:36 pm

amother wrote:

But as I said, note the thread where the woman complained about her MIL because her husband (the MIL's son) was talking to her privately.

Maybe its not that the sons don't have the "innate drive" to talk to their mothers, but that shalom bayit tells them they can't share with their mothers.

This is so true. I know so many women who say they speak to their mothers every day. A lot of them have no problem telling their mothers everything thats going on in their lives and getting advice. A smart husband who cares about shalom bayis knows he better not talk to his mother more than once every week or two. He better not share what they had for dinner last night. If his wife finds out she'll be on imamother in a flash complaining about dh and mil talking too much.
I won't lie and say I speak to mil as often as I speak to my mother. On the other hand I won't show up here needing to vent if I hear dh and mil speaking on the phone, or if dh says he thinks we should invite mil for a Shabbos or Yom Tov.

amother

Peach

Fri, Aug 31 2018, 3:47 pm

amother wrote:

Read the threads here, and you'll get it.

Here's a good one. Do I have to host my MIL for holidays? And one of her complaints -- her husband speaks privately to his mother. Think about that. Do you include your husband in every conversation that you have with your mother?

That's just one example. Hardly a day goes by where there's not a thread about how women prefer to be "home" (and they don't mean their home, they mean with their parents), why do they have to go to their in-laws. There's no question that for most of these people, their in-laws are people to be tolerated, not welcomed in their lives, or their kids' lives.

Look into yourself. Do you welcome your in-laws as easily as you welcome your parents? Give them the same welcome to your home, access to your kids? Do you visit your in-laws with equal frequency? If not, you've got your answer.

I didn't see your post before I posted mine. You said what I wanted to but you said it much better!
You're lucky there's no hug button here. I think you'd have quite a number of them. I'm a dil and a mil so somehow it makes it easier to understand both sides. Mostly here I find it's let's all cry about how miserable mil makes us.
Maybe someday soon medical science will catch up with imamother and create little boys without the need for mothers. They can grow up and be the perfect dh's that don't come with a mil.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Aug 31 2018, 4:04 pm

PSA to all mothers in law out there: If you have the attitude that your Dil is stealing your son away, it will happen. It is a self fulfilling prophesy. My mother-in-law had this attitude and she even told my sister-in-law before my husband started dating that he's going to marry a girl who will take him away from the family. My sister-in-law told me this to tell me she is thankful that I am not that way, however my mother-in-law never got rid of that attitude she always would say things to me like "your family is better than ours" and "why are we not good enough for you" with no basis that I thought that way. I didn't. When we would go to then first days yom tov, and it was time to leave to go to my parents home,(Pre-planned of course), she would make Snider remarks to my husband I guess you don't care about your family any more. Go be a "shwartz". Ironically, it was I who encouraged my husband to visit more often than he would like telling him how important it was to honor his parents etc. Even if she was difficult. Indirectly, this has caused is to have very little to do with her today. Obviously there are other issues as she is a difficult women and the reason we don't go there is because the family is enabling an abusive and destructive relative who has caused a lot of pain to everyone and particularly to my husband. (Not my fil, if that matters). My husband and his mother don't see eye to eye and whenever they disagree, she blames me that I'm poisoning his mind etc. (And I'm the one who is more open to make amends) This doesn't help their relationship obviously.

amother

Maroon

Fri, Aug 31 2018, 6:06 pm

amother wrote:

Maybe u have a good relationship with ur mil or a neutral one, but some dils are treated badly by their mils.

Also, there are women who dont speak to their mothers regularly and tried to speak to their mil just as much. I tried to establish a relationship with my mil by calling her often and including her in our life as my dh would not call and I knew its important to include her.

But, she would not open up to me and would not include me in whats going on in her life. Instead she used the opportunity to pressure me to come visit and criticize me when I said no or for other decisions. Obviously, I stopped calling. My dh went to visit a lot but my mil already showed me that she was not interested in establishing a relationship and I felt bad about her criticism which is why I didnt call and stopped visiting as often. My mil can blame herself.

amother

Maroon

Fri, Aug 31 2018, 6:18 pm

[quote="thunderstorm"]I'll never forget right after my wedding my DH was very sick and I was nursing him around the clock. It was my first time having to take care of an ill person. As soon as Shabbos was over my inlaws were calling to see how DH was doing. My DH told his mother , " my wife is the best nurse and she is really taking care of me" My MIL got SO insulted that he found my care better than hers or just as good as hers. That's when I realized there is that very strong motherly instinct to take care of your kids and it's hard to let go. Baruch HaShem the more my husband told my MIL positive things about me the more she liked me and the more relaxed she was that she didn't have to "check up on him". Nowadays she will put me before her own daughters sometimes. My DH still has huge respect for his parents and will drive four hours on a Sunday to say hello to them and show his face, just out of kibbud Av v'aim. I wish I was on that level. I see my parents maybe twice a year and they only live an hour and a half ..[quote]

I think sometimes if the dhs would be more of a liason to transition their moms to see that their wives(the dils) are not a threat"" to the dh/mil relationship, a lot of dils will have better relationships with the mil. But, its very hard to know how to make two opposites/conflicting interests ppl make peace and have good relationship and most ppl cant do it. So, lucky for u that ur dh was able to figure out how to get his mom on ur side so u have a good relationship with her.

byisrael

Sat, Sep 01 2018, 2:46 pm

Because sometimes they do

My MIL is amazingly kind, gives us our space, never ever criticizes. Does not expect visits or phone calls, is generous with presents. We all are really close (DH has 6 married siblings - 3 brothers).

There is one SIL who is constantly getting insulted - they are married for a while without kids - (the only way to know she is insulted is when they start ignoring phone calls) and really pulled her DH away from the family.
Currently she is mad at the in-laws because they where in a fight with BIL for a year - this means ignoring phone calls, not coming to get together's/ simchas (because he invited them for a bar mitzvah and made sure they had the room they like before they confirmed they where coming) and FIL offered to pay for the to couples to see a therapist together to work things out - so FIL is a monster for getting involved.

Now they are not speaking to the in - laws. DH tried speaking to brother at work (at home she always has the other line) to see what can be done to help the situation and Brother said - listen I just need to choose between my wife who or my family and I chose my wife. He claims that she is super sensitive because of the infertility , but DH says she has been doing this from day one.

Not always is it the MIL