Sibling Bullying | Imamother

amother

Mint

Mon, Sep 03 2018, 6:06 am

Ds 4 and dd almost-3 usually play beautifully together. The problem is if ds is hungry or tired. I know he's little and it's not necessarily his fault, but he seems to lose all control and hurts his sister (or me, but that gets less reaction, so he goes for her). He'll just go up to her if he doesn't like what she says (even though he loved it yesterday) or seemingly just because he feels like it and hits or pinches her. I need to cut his nails, and it will have less actual effect, but even just a gentle hit makes her go sulk on the couch. So what can I do? I know he needs to eat and go to sleep, and I do try to feed him before he gets like that, but I don't always manage. And it's not fair to her that she has to be afraid of that. I want them both to feel safe at home...

imasinger

Mon, Sep 03 2018, 6:33 am

amother wrote:

I love it when people answer their own questions! Smile

On a more serious note, OP, it sounds like you are basically doing well.

- Do work hard to create a routine that takes care of hunger and tiredness before the hurtful behavior starts. No, it's not always easy, but when we ask ourselves, "should I do this extra thing, if it will risk putting DS into an aggressive state?" then we sometimes find it possible to rearrange plans.

-Do look for warning signs before it comes to aggression.

- Do cut the nails.

- Do continue to teach, as all parents must, about using words, and learning to ask for what you need.

- Do teach YDD how to walk away from her brother when he is grumpy, before she gets hurt.

-Do teach your DS safe ways to express negative feelings.

- Do consider a short time out for egregious behavior; even if you understand he is hungry or tired, it's still not OK to hurt people.

And recognize that even with all of the above, there will occasionally be those moments. Such is life with siblings. We do the best we can, we praise the positive times, and we daven.

amother

Mint

Mon, Sep 03 2018, 2:18 pm

Thank you so much for the advice and encouragement. Today was actually wonderful! I told them as soon as they came home that I want everyone to feel safe in our home so he needs to make sure not hurt anyone. Then I told them that if all day he doesn't hurt, they'll both get a wafer tomorrow. All day, if it looked like he was getting too rough (wanting to step on her to climb onto the couch), she and I said "No boo boos, I want a wafer!" And it worked! Smile

I also made supper for them earlier than usual, so it was all set before he was hungry. Hopefully tomorrow it will work without the wafer!

amother

Mint

Tue, Sep 04 2018, 2:12 am

I'm hoping he'll grow out of some of his pickiness, and then he at least won't be hungry so often. Right now he just won't eat if he's not in the mood or not in the mood for whatever I made (that he loved last week), or he'll have 2 bites and say he's not hungry for more. So then he's starving an hour later, way before would be a normal time for another meal. I guess kids are a work in progress...