My son refuses to go back to yeshiva

amother

Bisque

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 5:57 pm

oldest son , 19 yo. was always top of class until Yeshiva Gedola. He is an erlich good boy and due to know fault of his had a bad class. Not bad as OTD ch'v but not the standard he or we were used to. We switched him out of that yeshiva as he refused to go back and bad luck again, he had a miserable year in new yeshiva. Now new zman commencing in Cheshvan and he made it clear to us that he is not going back. We are in major dilemma. he is our oldest, we are very chasidish, going to 3 different yeshivas will not do well for him for shidduchim. however he is miserable! We spoke to difft therapist and mechanchim and they all agree but at the same time he is very very unhappy. Most of his unhappiness though is self made. He just doesnt seem to know how to see the good. We explained to him many times that he is at the end of the tunnel and he should just stick it out. What do we do???

Cheiny

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 6:02 pm

amother wrote:

What went wrong in the second Yeshiva?

amother

Bisque

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 6:09 pm

Not his type of boys. Didn't hook up with anyone really. (I know boys are not girls...) But his biggest problem is that he cannot handle pressure. He has a good head and as mentioned is erlich but he can't handle being told when to go to sleep and when to learn and what to learn. he claims he would do better in Mir yeshiva. I disagree. And again, his resume is so colorful already....

mo5

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 6:12 pm

amother wrote:

If he’s unhappy, that will show in his learning and will be far worse for his resume.
Please make a decision based on what’s best for his CHINUCH and for him as individual and not on his future marriage prospects.

thunderstorm

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 6:18 pm

amother wrote:

You'd rather have your son have a colorful resume showing the different places he's learned than him dropping out. He's 19, an adult. He may just not care what you think at this point.
My 17 yr old also decided he's not going back to the same place because he couldn't handle 12 hours of non stop Gemarah learning. He doesn't have patience . So we found a place that has lots of down time. He is the only boy that is considered Chasidish. The rest are all older than him 19,-22 yrs old . But he's liking it so far. Sometimes we have to get out of our comfort zone and do what's best for our children. The goal is for them to be happy.

amother

Bisque

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 6:23 pm

mo5 wrote:

We know that and of course we want him to be happy but in our circles its the first question: where does/did the boy learn? and this can hurt him. We explained to stick it out now is easier than to stick around ch'v while all his friends are getting engaged. A wrong turn now can really be damaging for him.

amother

Amber

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 6:25 pm

I was going to suggest a litvish style Yeshiva that has a sprinkle of chassidim. He might be able to find himself in a different environment.

You need to speak to someone warm, caring and knowledgeable to advise.

I have a very difficult bar mitzvah age boy and one thing everyone is telling us... never criticize, as hard as it is criticism brings down the child. Instead just praise and show the child that you understand and care and are there for him.

thunderstorm

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 6:26 pm

amother wrote:

The Meir is full of very serious Chasidish boys many of whom stay and live in Eretz Yisroel to continue their learning after marraige. If that's a place he's interested in, what is bad about that?

amother

Bisque

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 6:27 pm

amother wrote:

Are you open to sending him the Mir or one the the American yeshivas in Israel?? (If you hadent tried yet.)

He is in Israel in an American yeshiva now. Yes, Mir is an option but again not an option. Knowing my son, I don't think he'd be happy there.

mo5

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 6:29 pm

amother wrote:

From what I know of Bochurim (I have a number of sons, though I’m not from your community) a wrong turn where you are miserable and don’t like learning can be a lot more damaging.

There is an expression that one should learn ‘bemakom shelibo chafetz’. (Where his heart desires)

Maybe speak to an IRL chinuch adviser to help you understand why your son is so unhappy where he is and if that can be fixed by going elsewhere or not.

If 19 is adult enough to go to war, drive a car and get married, then it’s important for him to also have a say in where he learns (he wants to continue learning, be grateful for that too!)

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Sep 05 2018, 6:42 pm

amother wrote:

Not the type

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 7:25 am

[quote="amother"]He is in Israel in an American yeshiva now. Yes, Mir is an option but again not an option. Knowing my son, I don't think he'd be happy there.[/quote
I hope all works out for the best. What is not gonna be good in Mir? In case he is Satmar NY, he will have soon shiur dalet (Monroe) and the Queens has something easyer under Rabbi Waldman.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 7:37 am

I have a girl. Hates school. Did not hand out a quiz yesterday or handed empty . She is 14. School called me because its continuation of disinterest from last year. She reminds me that she owed a lot of make up work amd test from previous year but they closed an eye. School dont want a repeat of negligence. When I said 95 percent of the class does not write notes and it rubs on my daughter she said teacher takes random notes to look. She wants I demand to see notes like almost daily. I insisted that she make sure all are caught in surprise demands for seinng notes because the class is generally not writong, she kept saying they all have notes of the subject of the quiz (which daughter did not do yesterday) I offered a meeting after rosh hashana. Who should I go for advice paid or not before the meeting? Somemeone who will have good ideas but will help me with good ideas to advocate in school.Im terrified she will cholila go otd or fall into wrong crowd or cholila drugs. We hearstories. Then there was the girl who was tutored.all life and at some.point took her life. Yesterdy I said I got a call complainig you.did not do the.simple task of..........in school, she said dont wanna talk. I need a person in tristate area who can advice. Free or not. What about Glassman in BP? And is Glassman in BP good to advice.for OPs boy? Is Samet good for this or just social issues?

abound

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 7:39 am

if he was in this new yeshiva for only one month then leave it off his resume. He did not make friends so no one there can give information about him anyway.

Did he want to go to this yeshiva he is now before he went? Did he look into it and say I wanna try this. Or did you as his parents find him this Yeshiva?
The reason I am asking...is sometimes there is a person who is not happy unless everything is perfect like his fantasy. They need everything to work just right or they will not be able to enjoy themselves to the point that they choose the flight instead of the fight. If this is the sort of person he is in general, or even in the last few months you need to figure out how to help him survive in this world,

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 7:43 am

Let me tell you our story.
I’ll preface that we are big believers in “al Pi darko”.
One of our sons (several are gifted) has learning issues . He struggled through school to such an extent that we ended up pulling him out of chol & homeschooling for several years.
We got him loads of help & he did go on to Yeshiva Gedola where he learnt according to his ability. He’s very bright, hard worker & entrepreneurial but due to his learning disabilities it didn’t come easy.
At 20 he had enough. We were concerned that shidduchim would be hard. He’s a very frum boy not one bit modern. And by us stopping Yeshiva at 20 is a drop out.
But we didn’t think that anything good would come from him being unhappy.
We encouraged him to leave Yeshiva & go to work in a frum environment.
B”H he blossomed. His learning improved.
He married at the right time within months of starting shidduchim to a wonderful girl from an equally wonderful family.
He is an amazing person in every way. He daavens, learns & is happy & fulfilled.
Listen to your son. You can’t go wrong with al Pi darko.