Invited to wedding at 6pm on a tuesday

amother

Lemon

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 1:21 pm

wedding is on a work day, at an airport hotel that's a major shlep from our city (where everyone -- chatan & kallah & family, and their community, and us -- lives) in rush hour traffic.

we're "shul friends" with them and have been to their house several times, but we're not "close." I assume this is a huge wedding and they're inviting a ton of people. I assume they chose a weekday wedding at an airport hotel to save money, but it's majorly inconvenient for their guests and I'm wondering if you all think it's inconsiderate.

people will need to leave for the wedding by 4.30pm and sit in major traffic, which means they'll have to take the afternoon off from work to be able to go home and change and get ready.

we're a bit BT and not so familiar with frum weddings, but is this typical? my (secular) parents and my husband and I all think it's incredibly tacky.

amother

Lemon

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 1:32 pm

pesek zman wrote:

People do what's good for them.

some do, some don't. lots of people treat their guests well, and go all out to make the wedding enjoyable for their guests. otherwise everyone would have weddings on a tuesday at 11am and serve bagels & cream cheese just to save money.

Quote:

I wouldn't leave work early for shul friends. I'd go when I can. And if you don't think it's realistic or feasible , don't go.

we've thought about that. is it rude to miss the chuppah. and if they're going to have to pay for our meal if we rsvp as attending, it seems inconsiderate to maybe even miss part of the dinner service.

mommyhood

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 1:42 pm

6 or 6:30 is standard for a weekday wedding. Most of my weddings are not local so to me this is normal and I don't find it inconsiderate. I also don't usually go to the chuppah for 'regular' friends, that's saved for family and best friends. I come about an hour after the chuppah is called so I'm there for the appetizer, dancing and the main course.

heidi

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 1:47 pm

One of my favorite posts of all time was something to the tune of "an invitation is not a summons or a command performance".
It's your call. I've declined invitations for fewer reasons than the ones you listed.
As for it being rude, it obviously works for the families involved and I'm sure they are well aware that the timing and location will reduce attendance.

Cheiny

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 1:50 pm

amother wrote:

Most weddings usually involve having to drop at rush hour, or come home from work, change and rush out the door. The only way around it is to make an afternoon wedding and very few do that...so I guess you have to consider all the circumstances and decide whether all the effort it will take is something you want to do or not.

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 2:03 pm

I'm also a BT, if it makes a difference.

It's not tacky for the bride and groom to choose a time and venue that meets their needs. As you are not so close with the family, don't feel guilty about skipping it.

Tuesday is a popular day for weddings, as the words "ki tov" appear twice in Bereishit for the third day of the week. You say you are not close with the family; it could be that they are having out of town guests who will appreciate the airport venue. And yes, they probably are trying to stick to a budget that is acceptable to both sides. As for treating guests well - yes, party hosts aim to please, but you can't please everyone. They also want to please themselves and have the kind of wedding that they enjoy. (Personally, I would love a bagel brunch!)

For weeknight weddings, I bring my gear and change at work. It takes about ten minutes. I agree, it can be hard to get from one part of a metro area to another. If it's really not convenient because of rush hour traffic, I would send my regrets.

If you will be there only for the chuppah, or only for part of the reception but not staying for dinner, it would be considerate to let the hosts know. Personally, I think the chuppah is the reason to attend a wedding, but it is considered normal to drop by for dancing if that is what works for you.

amother

Wine

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 2:39 pm

I'm also a BT and I know in the secular world weekday weddings are really unusual, but not so in the frum world. Keep in mind that the starting time is not when the chuppa starts--the cocktail hour/bedeken is usually first. That gives guests another hour or so to arrive. Since it's a weekday, most people will be coming from/after work, so don't feel like you'll be super late if you get there 6:30-7. I don't really have a good answer as far as the traffic--that part stinks, but hopefully the ride home will be easier.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 2:44 pm

amother wrote:

First - if the wedding is called for 6, you dont have to get there at 6, you could get there for whenever the chuppah is called for. No rule saying you have to be at the shmorg.
I would assume they picked where they picked for any number of reasons (I would actually think that it would have to do with possibly some family guests coming in via the airport, and the want or need to be close to there)
In terms of what you wrote if we think it is inconsiderate? Im sorry, but the kallah and chatan get to pick where they are getting married and they pick the destination based on any number of things. They dont have to be considerate, they choose based on whatever they choose.
And as for tacky? Again, what a terribly judgmental thing to write. Not very nice really.

amother

Lemon

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 4:39 pm

op here.

why invite a ton of people (they must have invited a ton of people if we were invited) if you only care about accommodating close family? can someone please explain the psychology...
the hosts have to know it's a major burden and inconvenience for acquaintances, "shul friends", community randoms, etc. to get there. why invite potentially hundreds of people you know will be annoyed if you don't care about what they think? do they want them to NOT come? do they feel pressured to have a big wedding and invite a bunch of people and keep up with the cohens, but are hoping that they make it so burdensome that a lot of them don't show up so they can save on the costs? are they just fishing for gifts and inviting people knowing they'll likely not come but will give a gift because they were invited?

also, do you folks honestly believe the airport venue is for convenience of family coming in from out of town rather than to save money? if they wanted to be convenient to their out of town guests, you'd think they'd do a sunday wedding. it doesn't really make sense that their out of town guests need to be right near the airport. they're not flying out on the night of the wedding anyway.

watergirl

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 5:08 pm

amother wrote:

You are making a ton of assumptions about these people and they are really mean. Like, I just reread the post that I quoted and wow. It really does not seem like you like these people very much. And if you do like them and this is what you say about them, what do you say about the people that you don’t like? I’m sure they have a good reason for picking this location and time. If you are as bothered by it as it seems from your posts, just decline and move on. Also, you seem to be really underestimating some people’s need to cut costs where possible. You seem to also be projecting your feelings of annoyance onto the other guests. Why is this bothering you so much?

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 5:36 pm

honestly I think it's one of those culture clash things.
In my world we get invites all the time from shul acquaintances, distant relatives etc. Often times, I open up the envelope think out loud, oh how nice, they are marrying off a daughter and then proceed to throw it in the trash. I do try to remember to send an email saying mazel tov and that we will be unable to attend because that is the considerate thing to do.

I think there is no expectation at all that we attend unless it's a close friend, close relative or if it happens to work with our schedule.

I read an invite as "hi we are making a simcha at this time in this place. We are informing you just incase you think you can easily make it, as your participation would be appreciated albeit not needed".

animeme

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 5:37 pm

watergirl wrote:

I think it speaks to being accustomed to a very different world of weddings.

If you plan your wedding a year and a half in advance when you can pick any day and any venue and this is what you pick, I can see it reading as inconsiderate. In the frum world, with engagements sometimes as short as two months and wedding dates constrained by niddah, you book what you can where you can.

There is also a difference in who you invite and how many. While it varies within the frum world, in general our weddings may have more people and cast a wider net.

And timing is also very location driven, but our weddings are long; they have to start by 6 or 6:30- on weekends its earlier, but a 6pm wedding often won't end until midnight at least. And in bigger/many communities, only the closest family and friends will actually be there at the start time. I would call a wedding like this "6pm/7pm", which tells me when the chuppah starts. So if I want to catch the badeken (if it runs on time), I would aim for 6:45.

Last edited by animeme on Thu, Sep 06 2018, 6:18 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lemon

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 5:52 pm

amother wrote:

is a gift not expected in such situations? in the secular world, inviting randoms like this would be seen as fishing for gifts.

animeme

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 6:15 pm

amother wrote:

is a gift not expected in such situations? in the secular world, inviting randoms like this would be seen as fishing for gifts.

In the frum world, you're not a random- you're members of the same kehillah. Many people invite their whole shuls, depending on the size (though some will do chuppah-only invites.) Wish them mazal tov. You can add a "sorry we couldn't make it". If they make a kiddush in shul, like if there's an aufruf, go if you can.

In many areas, it's not unusual to just go for the chuppah, or for dancing. People appreciate anything you can make it for. But as was posted above, it's appreciated but not needed- they will understand.

Bsimcha

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 6:26 pm

I get so many invitations from acquaintances, I know they don't expect me to attend.
I only go to close family, good friends or close co-workers.
For Shul friends, I'd drop in for dancing and tell them I won't be by the meal.
A friend made a wedding really far, good friends came, there was no dancing crowd that came ate as it was too far for drop ins.

My BT friends don't get it, they believe an invitation means they should show up and on time.

It really depends on your shul, crowd, community etc.

amother

Lemon

Thu, Sep 06 2018, 6:42 pm

animeme wrote:

is a gift expected?