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Guest cancelled right before meal
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 3:41 am
We invited friends who live down the block for a meal on RH. 5 minutes before we were starting they came over and said they were all too tired from shul and just wanted to eat a quick meal and go to sleep.
This meal had been planned for weeks. I did so much cooking!!! They even asked if one of their older kids' friends could join us. I planned and prepared for 6 exra people. Plus, I arranged other guests around them bringing 6. Yeah, I have the leftovers, but still...
And they didn't even apologize....just we are tired. Not coming.
Am I wrong to feel upset? I feel like they should have come for a brief time and then said they were tired.
Later in the day, the wife saw me and said, "Let's plan a meal for Sukkos!" I'm thinking yeah, only if your gonna cook and prepare for us!
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chanchy123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 3:45 am
Maybe there was something urgent and private that came up so they just made up a lame excuse hoping you would be tactful enough not to make a big deal about it.
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 3:45 am
I hope everything is ok with them. Sounds like an excuse to cover something else they can't tell you.

I don't know that my mind would have gone there in the moment, though- I would have been stuck on "Huh?" So disappointing for you.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 3:51 am
wow that is sooo upsetting. I would be super upset as well, I work really hard preparing for guests!
Maybe they're the type that throws some potato's and meat in a pot and has no problem serving that to guests, so they didn't think it would be a big deal to cancel...but like the above posters mentioned, it could be that something personal came up.
Either way, I can't believe they didnt apologize...super super strange!
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amother
Orange


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 3:59 am
very upsetting.

we did that once...I had a miscarriage during yontef and just really couldnt attend a seude with friends. but I sent dh with one kid and excused myself and said I really didnt feel well (I didnt say I had a mis of course)...

I sent along some cake and wine just to show that I DO CARE and appreciate the work they put into serving guests.

also I called right after yontef and spoke to the balabuste emphasising how much dh and kid enjoyed their hosting and company and that I honestly regret I couldnt come I insinuated that I had a good reason not to join last minute and that I am very happy to host them soon ...

she was fine with it.

but hadnt I sent dh and hadnt I made the phonecall I guess they would be super upset with us.


it also happened to us once. we waited for a family...the husband arrived almost 90 minutes late without his wife and kids, saying they wouldnt come. I was super shocked. why????? his wife is upset at him because he took forever at a different shul and she hates being late so she decided they dont come at all. I was very upset BUT wrapped up food and sent it over. she was after a baby and I guess she was hormonal...so yeah stuff happens.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 4:02 am
Op here: I really think they just went to nap. We saw them right after the meal had ended, and they said they were happy they got some sleep since they had guests coming for the night meal. (Honesty, I don't think this was a cover for anything happening....they really did just nap!)

Just wanted to add: wasn't parents and little kids....it was 6 ADULTS!
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 4:08 am
amother wrote:
Op here: I really think they just went to nap. We saw them right after the meal had ended, and they said they were happy they got some sleep since they had guests coming for the night meal. (Honesty, I don't think this was a cover for anything happening....they really did just nap!)


k, then that's terrible. Really awful middos, and absolutely zero etiquette and you have every right to be super upset.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 4:10 am
amother wrote:
Op here: I really think they just went to nap. We saw them right after the meal had ended, and they said they were happy they got some sleep since they had guests coming for the night meal. (Honesty, I don't think this was a cover for anything happening....they really did just nap!)


It's super nervy and entitled especially the part of pushing the older kid's friend in. I hope you said no. No sense showing you are upset because it isn't personal. That's who these people are.
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chanchy123




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 4:12 am
amother wrote:
k, then that's terrible. Really awful middos, and absolutely zero etiquette and you have every right to be super upset.

It's upsetting either way. OP put in a lot of work that was ultimately not appreciated, I understand how frustrating it is.
But we really don't know what other people are going through and can't give other people grades for their behavior.
OP, if these are people you generally enjoy hanging out with, just shrug this off as an odd behavior and make sure to clearify with them next to you make plans that you are counting on them. If you're not really that close don't invite them over again.
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 4:29 am
It does suck but you dont need to be so upset about it. For whatever reason this is what was dealt to you at this time. We are judged by the same way we judge others. Have you never planned on working on something and just said I'll do it another time when the opportunity came up!

It was an extremely long davening. They were tired

I dont think it was right of them. But I dont think it's right of you to be so upset either.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 4:34 am
amother wrote:

I dont think it was right of them. But I dont think it's right of you to be so upset either.

I'm sure op will move past this very soon...this is not the type of thing that will linger forever. At the same time, it's hard to swallow the insensitivity. OP is clearly saying she was hurt and upset by their behavior- simply telling her not to be upset isn't going to make it better. She worked really hard on a meal and these guests (seemingly) dismissed the fact that she had worked hard to prepare something by claiming they were too tired to attend. That is upsetting.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 4:34 am
"Hi, sorry about RH, we'd love to join you for a meal in your sukkah."

"Hi, we missed you! TBH, it was really exhausting to have worked so hard to make a nice seudah for all of you and even your guest, and disappointing when you cancelled last second. So, while we'd love to get together with you on Sukkos, let's make it potluck. I'll do meat and salad, what can you bring?"
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Frumwithallergies




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 4:55 am
Horrible! I know how you feel!
My SIL and her family didn't show up more than once (that's food for 8 mouths not being eaten---see other posts) and no, leftovers are not always good. Much of my meal served is fresh salads, so often I calculate so as not to have too many leftovers. I truly feel for you!

In my SIL's case, there is never a good excuse..... hopefully your neighbour doesn't repeat it.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 6:26 am
Oh that's awful.
They ruined your meal so that they could have energy for their meal.
Really not nice.

We once had new mechutanim come REALLY late for (ruin) the sheva brachot we were making for our mutual children (like guests had to leave already) because they were running late on plans they had to make for sheva brachot later in the week. We called a few times to see how they were doing and they didn't even say they hadn't even left yet so we kept waiting to start the meal.
Really not nice.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 6:45 am
One time my husband got super sick and we missed a meal. The family never forgave us since they saw him in shul the next morning. (He had an infection but the antibiotics worked quickly and he felt good enough to go to shul. .. the day before he'd been so ill he couldn't move )
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 6:50 am
ectomorph wrote:
One time my husband got super sick and we missed a meal. The family never forgave us since they saw him in shul the next morning. (He had an infection but the antibiotics worked quickly and he felt good enough to go to shul. .. the day before he'd been so ill he couldn't move )


Why didn't you go with the kids?
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 6:53 am
amother wrote:
It does suck but you dont need to be so upset about it. For whatever reason this is what was dealt to you at this time. We are judged by the same way we judge others. Have you never planned on working on something and just said I'll do it another time when the opportunity came up!

It was an extremely long davening. They were tired

I dont think it was right of them. But I dont think it's right of you to be so upset either.


I don’t think it’s right of you to tell her how to feel. Judge how you want to be judged, right?
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 7:20 am
That's really hard! And so disappointing too!
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 7:27 am
amother wrote:
Why didn't you go with the kids?
there were no kids. We were newly wed.
I didn't know the address being new to the area but my husband knew where the house was.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 7:30 am
amother wrote:
It does suck but you dont need to be so upset about it. For whatever reason this is what was dealt to you at this time. We are judged by the same way we judge others. Have you never planned on working on something and just said I'll do it another time when the opportunity came up!

It was an extremely long davening. They were tired

I dont think it was right of them. But I dont think it's right of you to be so upset either.

Are you seriously kidding???
I once had 8 ADULTS in a family cancel an hour before the Shavuot seuda I had worked on for hours.
I had made things like risotto and an expensive fish dish.
My friends had a really good reason-Great Grandpa had taken ill and was in the hospital with one of the family. I was really upset that the other 6 didn't come, pleading not being in the mood.
It took me a really long time to get over it.
The family that stood up OP were selfish and rude. And to be honest, even if they had a really good reason they owed it to her to at least hint what it was.
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