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Guest cancelled right before meal
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 10:33 am
ectomorph wrote:
there were no kids. We were newly wed.
I didn't know the address being new to the area but my husband knew where the house was.
it was too far for me to walk by myself not knowing the area.
We told them what happened after shabbos but they refused to speak to us and don't speak up to us to this day. I personally think a bit weird.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 10:35 am
That's weird it posted what I was editing
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 10:35 am
If I did that, I would absolutely apologize, and I'm just one person, not a bunch (6!). If they invite you over for Succot, you can bring them the defrosted leftovers from RH. Twisted Evil

Personally, I have an illness that can flare up without warning. I'll go to bed feeling horrible, and wake up feeling great - or go to bed feeling great, and wake up feeling like I've been run over by a cement truck. There's no predicting it.

That's why I tell everyone I make plans with "If I'm more than 15 minutes late, start without me." I make a real effort to be on time so people don't have to hold kiddush for me (especially when their kids are starving and climbing the walls.) If I don't show up, I always apologize the next time I see the family, or even better, give them a quick phone call.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 10:37 am
ectomorph wrote:
there were no kids. We were newly wed.
I didn't know the address being new to the area but my husband knew where the house was.


You should have gone and made an effort to find it. I understand why the family was so upset. Did you try to make it up to them some way?
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 10:42 am
amother wrote:
You should have gone and made an effort to find it. I understand why the family was so upset. Did you try to make it up to them some way?

Y are you amother??

It's not very nice to criticize someone anonymously, especially since you insist on misreading my responses.

I said that it was too far and I was new to the area and we didn't knew the exact address. My husband knew how to get there, but not well enough to tell me directions that would get me there at night and certainly not getting back (,it was a Friday night meal )

We called right after shabbos to explain and apologize but they refused to hear it. Never spoke to us again.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 10:56 am
OP, I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’ve had similar last minute cancellations also for seemingly stupid reasons. It’s crushing to feel you worked so hard for nothing.
To be honest my initial reaction to such a situation involves a string of bad words. But after a few minutes of steaming I just choose to give benefit of doubt and forgive, for my own benefit and peace of mind. But yes, it’s really hard. People that don’t get that probably either are the type that just throw together routine meals (nothing elaborate or special) or are on a very high level that nothing ever bothers them. Me, I get bothered.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:03 am
amother wrote:
You should have gone and made an effort to find it. I understand why the family was so upset. Did you try to make it up to them some way?

2 people are not 6.
She obviously didn't know her way around.
I think the family is overreacting.
I'm positive that you are overreacting also.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:11 am
heidi wrote:
2 people are not 6.
She obviously didn't know her way around.
I think the family is overreacting.
I'm positive that you are overreacting also.


As she said, her words posted before she was done. She explained in a further post that her husband was too sick to tell her where to go. That information came after I posted.

2 isn't six, but when we invite a family, I cook special only for the 2 adults. The kids wouldn't be invited without the parents. Besides, when I cook for a family, I just double or triple the recipe. It is not double or triple the work. It's a minor increase in work.

She could have given her hostess gift the next day. I think that would have gone a long way to not having hard feelings. We don't know how the apology/ explanation was tendered to know if the family and I are overreacting.

It is important to be reliable. Things happen. I am sick myself, but I always send family when I can't make something. The family doesn't arrive empty handed without apology and explanation.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:23 am
Hi all don’t hate me for saying this....
Those of you that helping the op have the benefit of doubt of her neighbor are great, but the others that are saying negative things let’s remeber we just had Rosh hashana and it’s aseres yemei teshuva. Even tho we don’t know who the neighbor is, the OP does! And when she reads all the negative things about her neighbor it effects the way she thinks about the neighbor and therefore it’s considered Lisbon hara.
I am not the rebbetzin type at all so don’t hate me for this. Just let’s try to b careful with words we say or write during these few days of Teshuva.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:24 am
I think anyone who regularly hosts has had this happen at one time or another. Sometimes it's sheer cluelessness or lack of social awareness on the part of guests. Sometimes it's a matter of a legitimate situation that is just handled badly in the heat of the moment. Sometimes it's miscommunication or just plain unavoidable.

All you can really do is vent on Imamother a little and try to consider it a kappora. But it is incredibly disappointing when you've purchased food, cooked your heart out, set a beautiful table . . . and then no one comes. Especially when they handle it was callously as these guests seem to have done. You have every right to feel bad.

Try to laugh it off and let it become part of your repetoire of crazy hosting moments. That said, I don't think you need to let it go to the point of inviting these folks back anytime soon.
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Sebastian




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:39 am
Op that's rude and I wouldn't invite them for Succos.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:41 am
That's really rude of them, OP. The Gemarah says that when a guest is invited, he's supposed to think about the effort his hosts put in on his behalf - Kol Mah Shetarach Baal Habayis, Lo Tarach Elah Bishvili. When we host guests, it's not just about the extra portions of food, but we often go beyond what we might do if it was just our family. It's a whole effort exclusively for the guests. It behooves us to think about our hosts, if we cancel after they have made that effort.

Now that being said, hosts have to be reasonable as well. If guests were ill, or other extenuating circumstances, we have to take the cancellation with good will.

Twenty years ago, DH and I were a no show at my BIL and SIL for R"H lunch. And knowing my SIL, I'm absolutely certain that she prepared beautifully for us. I feel bad that we didn't make it, but I was in labor, and we went to the hospital at about the time we would've been heading to them....and DD was born not long after that meal would've ended...... They have assured us that they figured that was why we didn't come....and were very happy to be right!
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:52 am
ectomorph wrote:
there were no kids. We were newly wed.
I didn't know the address being new to the area but my husband knew where the house was.


Why didn't you call to get the address? You mentioned that he took antibiotics, so he must have been ill long enough before the chag or shabbat to get to a doctor and get a prescription filled. At the very least, I hope that you called before lighting, to let them know not to wait for you.

While there have been occasions on which I was unable to make it somewhere, I've almost always managed to get a message out in advance. Its pretty awful to sit around waiting to see if someone is going to show up, and wonder whether to start the meal without then. Especially an evening meal.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 11:58 am
amother wrote:
Hi all don’t hate me for saying this....
Those of you that helping the op have the benefit of doubt of her neighbor are great, but the others that are saying negative things let’s remeber we just had Rosh hashana and it’s aseres yemei teshuva. Even tho we don’t know who the neighbor is, the OP does! And when she reads all the negative things about her neighbor it effects the way she thinks about the neighbor and therefore it’s considered Lisbon hara.
I am not the rebbetzin type at all so don’t hate me for this. Just let’s try to b careful with words we say or write during these few days of Teshuva.


Actually, you're not completely correct here. This OP is venting, and our job, al pi halacha, is to validate and support her feelings. And only then, will she be open to hearing ways that she can move on, such as giving the benefit of the doubt.

Which is why having several people respond from their various points of view, is so beneficial.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 12:25 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
Why didn't you call to get the address? You mentioned that he took antibiotics, so he must have been ill long enough before the chag or shabbat to get to a doctor and get a prescription filled. At the very least, I hope that you called before lighting, to let them know not to wait for you.

While there have been occasions on which I was unable to make it somewhere, I've almost always managed to get a message out in advance. Its pretty awful to sit around waiting to see if someone is going to show up, and wonder whether to start the meal without then. Especially an evening meal.


You can get antibiotics on shabbos/yt. I live OOT with less then ten frum families and once my dh was taken sick on yom tov and both our dr and pharmacist were very helpful in treating and dispensing medicine and we paid after yom tov.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 12:29 pm
I agree these guests sound rude. And clueless. And I think the OP is completely justified in not inviting them again for a very long time, unless its a pot luck meal. Obviously cutting them out and ignoring them is wrong. People are flawed and we have to live with that. They may be nice people in other ways and worth cultivating a friendship with.

This type of cancelling is especially frustrating on yom tov when I have often frozen food in advance and heated it ready for guests and leftovers can't just be frozen again.
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 12:31 pm
This is awful. I'm sorry that this happened to you. Perhaps something truly happened, or perhaps they don't host and don't know what goes into it. Either way, this has happened to me (on a much smaller scale) and frankly it's a lesson learned. I wouldn't invite this particular family again.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 12:37 pm
chani8 wrote:
Actually, you're not completely correct here. This OP is venting, and our job, al pi halacha, is to validate and support her feelings. And only then, will she be open to hearing ways that she can move on, such as giving the benefit of the doubt.

Which is why having several people respond from their various points of view, is so beneficial.


Of course you can validate her feelings, and say u understand how frustrating this situation is. But no need to use fowl language against neighbor is all I’m saying.
Validating her feelings is very different than putting neighbor down.
Sharing your own stories is actually very helpful, I agree.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 12:44 pm
amother wrote:
Of course you can validate her feelings, and say u understand how frustrating this situation is. But no need to use fowl language against neighbor is all I’m saying.
Validating her feelings is very different than putting neighbor down.
Sharing your own stories is actually very helpful, I agree.


Bock, bock, bock.

Sorry. Had to.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 12 2018, 12:47 pm
amother wrote:
We invited friends who live down the block for a meal on RH. 5 minutes before we were starting they came over and said they were all too tired from shul and just wanted to eat a quick meal and go to sleep.
This meal had been planned for weeks. I did so much cooking!!! They even asked if one of their older kids' friends could join us. I planned and prepared for 6 exra people. Plus, I arranged other guests around them bringing 6. Yeah, I have the leftovers, but still...
And they didn't even apologize....just we are tired. Not coming.
Am I wrong to feel upset? I feel like they should have come for a brief time and then said they were tired.
Later in the day, the wife saw me and said, "Let's plan a meal for Sukkos!" I'm thinking yeah, only if your gonna cook and prepare for us!


You’re absolutely right, what they did was terrible. But some people don’t think or consider the effect of their actions on others...I think you should avoid planning any more meals with them. I’d say something too, in a nice way, like, “You know I’m sorry you were too tired on Rosh Hashana to keep your plans with us, but I cooked a lot of food so that we would all enjoy a festive Yom Tov meal.” Then I’d see if she finally gets it or not. Some people have to be told....
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