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Must she take his last name?
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amother




Brunette


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:16 pm
My daughter is seeing someone she really likes and this is probably it. The only "problem" is that she HATES his last name.

She's asked him about how it was growing up with that name, and he admitted that he was teased/picked on because of it, but he grew thick skin and accepted it. My daughter doesn't want to subject her future children to that.

My husband and I think she should take his name regardless, she wants to come up with a similar name/pronunciation that they will both take together.

I feel like it's an insult to the boys family to even suggest such a thing.

Even if my daughter keeps her last name, their children will have his last name and then it's just confusing to everyone. FYI, the boy's sister got married a year ago and kept her last name. I told my daughter to have a conversation with her about it.
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DrMom









  


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:17 pm
Of course she doesn't HAVE to.
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ectomorph









  


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:17 pm
Leave it to her to work out unless she asked you. Type of last minute before getting engaged issue that might come from nerves on her part
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Ruchel









  


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:22 pm
A girl I know of was teased for her name. Yehudit. Normal name no?
Kids will always find something.
If his name is Hitler, I get it. But if it's just a "not beautiful" name I(d think hard before depriving the father of naming the children like him!
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amother




Periwinkle


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:23 pm
Fil has a highly unusual last name. When my in laws got married, he offered to take mil's more common family name. She refused. Many decades later, all of their sons use the unusual name without a problem. When I got engaged, I got countless comments that continued into the first few years of my marriage. Every time I meet someone new and introduce myself, I get the same raised eyebrows in response to my last name. I like it! I would rather be unique than be just another Klein or Cohen.
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watergirl









  


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:25 pm
I know someone whose husband‘s last name is completely unpronounceable. The spelling is not phonetic and its just impossible to read and sound out. A few years into their marriage, the wife finally succeeded in convincing the husband to legally shorten the last name. The entire name started with a K, so they became the “Kaye” family. Maybe thats a possibility?

Last edited by watergirl on Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Orange


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:25 pm
My cousin married a guy with a difficult last name. She and her children use her last name.
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:26 pm
My married daughter hated her husband's last name and they, as a couple, considered taking a new last name. Three married years later, they never changed the name. I didn't take my husband's last name until our first child was born and she took my last name, actually. By then, I let go of my rebelliousness, haha, and took on his last name. If he's a nice guy, it's worth it.
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amother




Emerald


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:29 pm
amother wrote:
My daughter is seeing someone she really likes and this is probably it. The only "problem" is that she HATES his last name.

She's asked him about how it was growing up with that name, and he admitted that he was teased/picked on because of it, but he grew thick skin and accepted it. My daughter doesn't want to subject her future children to that.

My husband and I think she should take his name regardless, she wants to come up with a similar name/pronunciation that they will both take together.

I feel like it's an insult to the boys family to even suggest such a thing.

Even if my daughter keeps her last name, their children will have his last name and then it's just confusing to everyone. FYI, the boy's sister got married a year ago and kept her last name. I told my daughter to have a conversation with her about it.


If your daughter didn't ask your opinion I would keep quiet and let them decide.
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thunderstorm









  


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:32 pm
Your daughter can always decide with her husband to legally do a name change.
I have a very strange last name. We are constantly questioned about it. A few years ago my DHs parents went and legally changed their name but we still have the original one. I would not be insulted at all if my own sons decide to change theirs (never thought of it as a shidduch issue but now I see that it may come up ).
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amother




Brunette


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:42 pm
OP Here - I'm actually asking this question because my daughter asked what I'd have done in the same situation. Both my maiden name and married name are very pareve, so I can't really answer.

My other daughter used to giggle every time his last name was mentioned, or someone asked. It's not unpronounceable, it's just a bad name.

I was curious to see how others handled it.

I'm sure it will all work out, love conquers all!
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Sadie









  


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 1:47 pm
Of course she doesn’t have to change it. And there’s no reason the children have to be named his name either. Yes it’s a strongly held custom but names are personal and people get to decide these things for themselves. Last names mean nothing jewishly. Don’t get involved beyond telling her you’ll be supportive of her decision if she brings it up.
I did not change my name and everyone survived despite my marrying into a very traditional type family. And not only that, my husband added my last name to his socially and no one has said a word about it (to my face, anyway)
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amother




Chocolate


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 2:13 pm
I know someone who married someone whose last name is Pines but pronounced “Pinnis”. She pronounces it as “Pines” (like the tree). Maybe she can change the pronunciation.
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amother




Orange


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 2:17 pm
There is a 'Fox' family in my community. I'd be willing to bet they were Fuchs at some point.
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amother




Seafoam


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 2:22 pm
We have an unusual last name, it's only our family that has this name. I would never consider changing, I like being different. It's not a funny name, just unusual.
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InnerMe









  


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 2:28 pm
Sadie wrote:
Of course she doesn’t have to change it. And there’s no reason the children have to be named his name either. Yes it’s a strongly held custom but names are personal and people get to decide these things for themselves. Last names mean nothing jewishly. Don’t get involved beyond telling her you’ll be supportive of her decision if she brings it up.
I did not change my name and everyone survived despite my marrying into a very traditional type family. And not only that, my husband added my last name to his socially and no one has said a word about it (to my face, anyway)

In such a case would the children decide individually which name to take?
Doesn't it get confusing?
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Sadie









  


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 2:33 pm
InnerMe wrote:
In such a case would the children decide individually which name to take?
Doesn't it get confusing?


Our child has a hyphenated last name. He can do whatever he wants with his name and his children’s names when he grows up, including dropping one name, taking a spouse’s name, or making up a new name. It’s up to him.
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amother




Tan


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 2:34 pm
I felt that way at first about my husband’s name, but then got used to it. But it wasn’t a truly terrible name. If it was, I do think there’s a case to be made for changing it, to prevent embarrassment for all present and future family members. Having a last name you hate shouldn’t ruin your life, but it’s always an annoying thing hanging over you. You should have pride in your name!

I know a family that changed their Yiddish sounding last name to an attractive Hebrew version when they moved to Israel.

I also know a family who had done that, and their son became more charedi, and changed it back to the original Yiddish name before he got married.
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InnerMe









  


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 2:37 pm
Sadie wrote:
Our child has a hyphenated last name. He can do whatever he wants with his name and his children’s names when he grows up, including dropping one name, taking a spouse’s name, or making up a new name. It’s up to him.

Interesting to hear about this.
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penguin









  


Post  Wed, Sep 12 2018, 2:42 pm
Joe Stinkowitz comes before the judge to petition for his name to be changed legally.

"Well, sir", says the judge, "I can see why you might want to change that name."

"Yes, sir," says Joe, "you can't imagine how tired I am of people greeting me with 'Hello, Joe, what do you know?"
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