Ami-living article- hosting married couples for YT

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 3:07 pm

Just read this weeks article about the single sister who is 14 years old who did not want her married sisters to come for yom tov because she felt they made a mess and were not considerate of cleaning up after themselves and expected a free vacation while she had to work hard helping out the whole yom tov. The parents both wrote in as well with the mother saying she thinks her daughter is being selfish, and the father saying he understands her more fastidious nature as shes very similar to his own mother.

This topic was hotly debated and every person brought in their own biased opinion based on where they were in the family. The ones who were the oldest and married first said that everyone needs a break and its not the end of the world for young sisters to help.. the young sisters said they felt used and yet also disregarded when the marrieds had their conversations etc...
curious to hear what other people thought. did you read the article?
and if so what is your opinion? and where do you fall in the family?

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 3:39 pm

Didn't read it either. I can say that as a married with young kids, a lot of it is timing. Dh and I may need to go right after the meal (and sometimes during) to deal with kids. Or I feed a kid in a high chair, there's a mess, and I pull them out and take them straight into a 15 minute to-bed process. And each time, I say on the way out of the room, "I'll be back to clear up when I'm done."

Because that's what I do at home, even if it's 45 minutes later. But my mom or MIL don't want to wait or to leave over work because they want it just done, so they do it themselves or have one of the other kids do it. And said other kid gets annoyed with me, but I was planning to come back, and would have.

Also, when your mom says, "Don't worry, I'll do that for you" or "Take a nap, I've got the kids for a bit," you tend to say thank you, and not ask her how she plans to do that. Then she has your sibling do it, which was never your agenda, and your sibling gets mad at you, but you didn't even set it up.

SYA

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 3:44 pm

I don’t move in to my parents house. I walk over for some meals. I would first settle my kids with a snack and toys and then help my mother and sister in the kitchen. Now, my older children set the table while I feed my baby. My husband helps too with what’s needed. We always clean up after ourselves.

I understand the younger sister. She has to set the table, make the salads and some of the food too. She has to clean up and help put away the food. Just because the married sibling wants a break, doesn’t mean the single sister has to be the one to provide it and watch her siblings kids. The single sibling also wants a break from the kitchen. She also wants to be able to enjoy the meal. Is the married sibling willing to switch jobs and prepare and serve the food, or does she expect to be waited on hands on knees? Her sister should wine and dine her and watch her kids too?

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 4:18 pm

the posters who posted above just curious-where do you stand in your families? wondering if that makes a difference cuz our experiences tend to bias our opinions.
I resented my older married siblings so badly because I slaved away for them all through my teenage years and they had the entitled attitude of- well we have little kids so we cant be expected to help. they wouldnt even clean up after their own kids forget about helping in the kitchen and with meals- which made no sense since how did they manage in their own homes?
I felt that married kids should not treat their parents homes as vacations and their younger siblings are not their personal babysitters and servants and they should help out 100 percent.

my oldest married sister says that everyone needs a break and for the 2 weeks of yom tov out of the year it wouldnt kill the younger siblings to help out a bit since they have no responsibilities. She said when she will have a few married kids coming to her and her younger kids are teens she is going to teach them that it is nice to help out and no they dont get to just be selfish and think of themselves. and I said oy your poor kid number 6... she doesnt stand a chance and she wont even have a mother who will be understanding of her. And she said too bad because every mother teaches their kids according to their own way and experience- and she will teach her kid number 6 or 7 to help out with her older married siblings since she herself was an oldest married and expected vacations every time she came home. My poor niece number 7... I feel so sorry for her.

she also said that when she was a teenager she took care of those same little siblings when our mother was busy (being that she was the oldest) and therefore those siblings "owe" her the help.
I couldnt fathom her way of thinking at all. The little siblings had no choice in the matter-it was our mother she was technically helping by taking care of us when we were little- not us. We didnt ask for it. she insisted she was right and my way of thinking was selfish-to have felt resentment at having to work so hard over YT and therefore giving her a break.
basically we both stood firm in our opinions and agreed that we each looked at things based on our own biases.
so Id love to hear other opinions and see what other people think and if your position in the family makes a difference or not to color your opinion.

amother

Wheat

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 5:10 pm

Didn't read the article, but my experience:

I was the younger single sister for a long time. I was first in school, then working full time, working hard to help my mother make YT, then helping serve and clean up. By the time YT came, I wanted a break as much as the next person.
My siblings tried to tell me I was watching their kids while they were napping exactly once. I responded: "Oh, I am, that's nice that you think that, I was just headed to take a nap/visit a friend/ sit with a book. I love playing with your kids, but I didn't volunteer for this shift." and walked out of the room. They got the message. It very much helped that my mother agreed with me.

Flip side, now that I'm married, I see the single siblings get stuck with a lot of the pre yontif work (although I started working the minute I walked into the house erev YT and finished when I bentched licht), and it's unavoidable, because the rest of us just don't live here.

My general rule: If it's for the parents, it will probably fall on the single children who still live at home and are being fed on a daily basis etc.
If it's for the married siblings: take care of your own family, and take volunteered help, only when it is offered, don't just assume.

bigsis144

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 5:15 pm

I’m the oldest of six, I’m 30 and my youngest sibling is 14.

At the moment, the best I can do is not make extra work for my siblings. My kids are my responsibility - for better or for worse - as it affects my younger siblings.

I don’t expect free babysitting, but I do expect younger siblings to understand that I may not be able to get up during a meal to serve because it’s taking all my attention to cut up chicken for one kid and that since I had to leave to nurse the baby and put him down for a nap I am going to stuff my face when I get the chance to sit, and yes, maybe even talk to the gathered family members that I haven’t seen in months.

If you want help cooking on Erev Yomtov, who is going to watch my kids? So I’ll take them to the park to keep them out of your way, even if it seems I’m “just showing up for the meal” at night.

I take turns napping with DH so that one of us is always “on duty”. Same as when I’m at my own house.

I’m sorry that there is more food to cook and more dishes to wash, but I can’t help that. I’m doing my best, and I make sure to thank my siblings!! If they are still resentful, then I feel like they don’t really care to see me... it’s not easy for me to shlep my kids and sleep somewhere cramped and keep crazy yomtov hours... we are all on this ship together.

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 5:22 pm

how abt I took care of my lil sis 8 yrs younger than me throughout hi school....homework, baths, babysitting, bedtime.....& yes when she was in hi school she helped me with my first baby... but now shes married with kids she tells everyone we grew up in diff homes...she doesnt remember me ever being her sis living together with her....& forget abt all claims she says "shes making up that she always took care of me, I dont remember a thing"

trixx

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 5:25 pm

amother wrote:

Exactly this, or she does it herself and I get nasty comments later from my sisters

amother

Gold

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 5:38 pm

dankbar wrote:

it also depends if teenager taking care of own lil sibs all yr & then plus nieces or nephews....or if she youngest & zero to do all the time but also lonely & bored so when theres company it comes with extra work as well

It doesnt matter at all.
A teen usually doesnt have zero to do. Schoolwork can be very stressful, some teens also have jobs or volunteer work, and just navigating the teen years is a hassle.
No older married sibling should think she is entitled to a vacation at her little sister's expense. (Interesting that it's always the little sister, not brother, who gets stuck with this).
I say this as the oldest sister myself.

mha3484

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 5:39 pm

My mother hosted basically every single family function on her side of the family my whole childhood. We have a huge extended family. Literally everyone did something to help and no one went home until dishes were washed, and the dining room looked pretty normal. It just was not a thing to make one person do it all.

When I became regligious and started reading the magazines and joined Imamother, It was hard for me to understand the attitude of I am here to be entertained. Now that I have my own kids one of whom is more challenging I find it alot easier to stay home for meals and socialize in the park in the afternoon. We try and see my inlaws during a non yomtov time and its a lot easier for everyone.

amother

Smokey

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 5:40 pm

Totally different by us as we're all married and most of us have only younger kids. Some siblings will always get up to help serve or bring along some ready food and others will just sit and do nothing
I have such a sister . She comes to my parents and feel like she's in a restaurant . She really uses my mother and even us siblings. I don't remember ever seeing her getting up to help and she's a daughter .
My sister's in law help much more than her .
One sis in law once told her off and since then they never come at the same time for a meal (they live in same town as my parents )

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 6:11 pm

amother wrote:

Use to do the same and realized it just upsets them so I now take the extra minute to clean the high chair etc and nothing happens to my child because of it. Also your in someone else's house so different rules. doesn't matter what you do at home.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 6:47 pm

I have moved into my parents house often for Yom Tov.

My kids are my responsibility. I never make my single sister watch them. She is not my free babysitter. She is allowed to relax on Yom Tov too, especially since she worked really hard in the kitchen making all the food with my mother, which I really appreciate.

I help with setting/serving/clearing to the best of my ability.

Before I leave, I clean up the mess in the playroom that my kids made.

I always thank my mother and sister many times over the course of Yom Tov. Appreciation goes a long way.