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imdl

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 6:49 pm

SYA wrote:

I’m the oldest and still agree with the younger sister.

Me as well

bsy

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 6:53 pm

I move into my parents for shabbos and yom tov often. I try to clean up after my kids. I usually serve and clear also (right now I'm postpartum so not so much). In terms of babysitting, my sister WANTS to babysit and tells me to go take a nap. She loves watching my baby.

33055

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 7:53 pm

I am from the younger ones. I never minded my siblings coming with their kids and gladly lent a hand. It was my pleasure.

tichellady

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 7:57 pm

Squishy wrote:

I am from the younger ones. I never minded my siblings coming with their kids and gladly lent a hand. It was my pleasure.

Same. I love my nieces and nephews to pieces.

little neshamala

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 8:00 pm

Oldest sibling here. I think the whole topic is ludicrous. Why would anyone ever EXPECT someone to watch their kids...if the younger sister/mother/mother in law wants to and volunteers thats lovely and helpful but you do not go to your parents so that you may be treated like a queen. Barf.

Obviously clean up after yourself as much as possible, chip in to help as much as possible (note I am fully aware that ita not always that much, depending on the curcumstances. But try your best)....but one thing is for sure. NEVER EVER expect that anyone else "should" help you with your own children. That is so unfair.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 8:45 pm

I think the younger sister is wrong. The married siblings are her parents kids too. I'm the middle. I loved when my married siblings came. Only thing I hated was when I was expected to give up my room for them. I eventually told my parents just because I'm single doesn't give me any less right to my room and I was never asked to give it up again (I was old enough to be a mother at that point). The sister complains that her parents aren't giving her brothers enough attention--that's simply not her cheshbon. Older siblings shouldn't be left to fend for themselves because she wants her parents to give others attention. She's not even complaining that she doesn't get enough attention.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 9:19 pm

SYA wrote:

I’m the oldest and still agree with the younger sister.

same here. I don't expect my sisters to clean up after my kids, to watch htem so I can nap or to shoulder the whole burden of helping mom in the kitchen or with serving and cleaning up from meals. sorry but basic mentchlichkeit and consideration of another person.
I can hotly debate this but not to serve my interests best but in my sisters' best interest.

amother

Orange

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 9:46 pm

A bit different situation - when we stay by DH's family for YT, two of his siblings (married sister with kids, and one unmarried brother) act like their mother is there to cater to their every whim. SIL and her DH nap, don't want to be bothered caring for their kids, my DH, one of his brothers, and I do all we can to take care of all the cooking, cleaning, and general work that needs to happen to keep everyone fed and happy.

I am ALWAYS happy to lighten the load of my MIL, but it irritates me to no end that three adults children act so entitled. DH and I have twice as many kids as my SIL who doesn't work has full-time childcare, but so desperately needs a "vacation". Rant over.

I think my point is that everyone should try to share the burdens evenly, help out, and make sure everyone gets a little break now and again.

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 10:16 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

I’m the oldest of six, I’m 30 and my youngest sibling is 14.

At the moment, the best I can do is not make extra work for my siblings. My kids are my responsibility - for better or for worse - as it affects my younger siblings.

I don’t expect free babysitting, but I do expect younger siblings to understand that I may not be able to get up during a meal to serve because it’s taking all my attention to cut up chicken for one kid and that since I had to leave to nurse the baby and put him down for a nap I am going to stuff my face when I get the chance to sit, and yes, maybe even talk to the gathered family members that I haven’t seen in months.

If you want help cooking on Erev Yomtov, who is going to watch my kids? So I’ll take them to the park to keep them out of your way, even if it seems I’m “just showing up for the meal” at night.

I take turns napping with DH so that one of us is always “on duty”. Same as when I’m at my own house.

I’m sorry that there is more food to cook and more dishes to wash, but I can’t help that. I’m doing my best, and I make sure to thank my siblings!! If they are still resentful, then I feel like they don’t really care to see me... it’s not easy for me to shlep my kids and sleep somewhere cramped and keep crazy yomtov hours... we are all on this ship together.

dont you think your mother and siblings also want a chance to sit and talk? if you see some people are serving and clearing, you just let them while you take a chance to shmooze?

also how do you manage when your in your own house cooking for a regular shabbos? who watches your kids while you cook then?
If your child is truly a bundle of energy and your nervous to leave him unattended in someone elses house, then that makes sense. but be honest- do you really need to watch your kids every minute or its just an excuse to get out of the work?
Im asking because its triggering bad memories of one specific sister who was never ever able to help because she was too "busy" watching her kids. she had time to stand in the kitchen and chat with us while her kids ran around but as soon as someone said hey can you peel this anyway while your here, she suddenly was like -did anyone see chaim? Where is Chaim? I
need to watch my kids sorry...

more food to cook and more dishes to wash because your there or its not related? if you are eating that food, and using the dishes, do you feel you should take part in the cooking and washing? or that should be left to people who are less busy?

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 10:19 pm

amother wrote:

Totally different by us as we're all married and most of us have only younger kids. Some siblings will always get up to help serve or bring along some ready food and others will just sit and do nothing
I have such a sister . She comes to my parents and feel like she's in a restaurant . She really uses my mother and even us siblings. I don't remember ever seeing her getting up to help and she's a daughter .
My sister's in law help much more than her .
One sis in law once told her off and since then they never come at the same time for a meal (they live in same town as my parents )

This made me feel so validated- there are other family dynamics like ours!

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 10:26 pm

a few pple mentioned that of course you should watch your own kids, and to some people that is a given to others not so much.
But aside from watching your own children and child related work, I'm curious to hear what people think in terms of the food, cooking, setting, clearing, cleaning.

bigsis144

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 10:37 pm

amother wrote:

I have very high maintenance kids, the kind that wander out of unlocked doors and get brought home by random construction workers (true story) while I look frantically for them inside, outside and at neighbors’ houses.

My parents in law’s youngest is 26, and any toys in their house have been brought there by me. They don’t particularly care to childproof their home, which is an empty nest 48 weeks a year. They are both not in the best physical shape and have cleaning help multiple times a week.

So yes, most helpful thing I can do is keep my kids from wrecking their house or disappearing. My kids will only stay occupied in the living room (where I can see them from the dining room) with the MagnaTiles I bought for a limited time....

—

At my parents, it’s more kid-friendly (more toys) but also more chaotic (people constantly coming and going through overcrowded rooms), so I can do small fragmented helpful jobs like clearing a course or partially setting a table but nothing that requires long periods of attention. I *do* need to be able to stop peeling potatoes or scrubbing pots on a dime and say, “it’s too quiet.... I haven’t seen DS in a while... I gotta go check he’s still playing in another room and not on the roof of the garage” (true story)

My mother and siblings-living-at-home DO get a “chance to sit and talk” but unfortunately I may have had to excuse myself from the table by then (or get DH to excuse himself to watch the kids who in no way can stay at the table for a leisurely 2+ hour seuda with singing, schmoozing and divrei Torah)... it’s just a different stage of life when the youngest person at the table is a teen or an infant...

—

In my own home, meals are insanely short (25-35 minutes from kiddish to dessert maximum), we never have company (the few times we have my kids have gone bonkers), and I rely far too much on video babysitters on Erev Shabbos/Yomtov than I should. Ya happy?

—

(And this past Pesach I hosted my in laws + BIL/SIL/their 2 year old + a single BIL in his late twenties in my house during my first month of pregnancy. Everyone got the flu -complete with leaving the Seder to vomit and needing changes of linens at all hours of th day and night - except me and SIL (she is a trooper and I love her to bits), so I am perfectly capable of taking care of a houseful of people -on my own turf. It’s being a guest that’s super difficult, not being a grownup.)

ectomorph

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 11:24 pm

It's 1 week out of the year and of course is stressful. Kids are out of schedule and houses often not childproof or set up well.

Its a treat to spend time with family. I try to help but given my kah several very young children it's just not practical. Just keeping the kids from crying and destroying the house is a full time job. Fortunately my single siblings don't seem to resent it.

What's the solution -not to come,??? Sure but then the kids don't get to know their family since we don't live in the same city. Don't you love your family and this is the only time we can get off of work.

I do try to clean up. But at home it often takes me 3 hours to get to cleaning up from the meal. So if my family wants to wait I would help. But generally they are in a hurry to clean up and I'm nursing/changing diapers/ preventing my toddlers from emptying the book shelves or cabinets.

I think everyone needs to adjust expectations. You want your sister with 3 kids under 3 years old to help? Say, "do you mind clearing of the table while I keep chaim entertained? "

I've tried to get babysitters but it's extremely difficult when you don't normally lI've in an area and don't have a prior relationship.

Basically I think it's just part of life. We all have to try to be kind and understanding. Don't look at what others can do for you, look at what you can do for them

gibberish

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 11:33 pm

I am a mother of several now, but am still resentful of all the extra work when my older siblings came. I am now very conscious and try to cook and bring food with me and help with set up, clean up, and bring my own linen too.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Sep 26 2018, 11:34 pm

to all those saying they are so busy taking care of their kids that they don't have time to help at all, fine. there are times when you can and times when you cant and that's normal. but there are those that consistently don't help out, don't help cook, clean, serve, clear up or anything. they expect to be waited on like royalty and that's not okay. I don't think anyone needs to defend themselves and feel slighted about this topic. if you try to help when you can, and there's always something you can do, then you're a mentch and know that it is appreciated.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 12:01 am

when I wud come with my first active toddler to mom for meals I wud make sure to pack up toys before I leave. I didnt rely on my teenage sis, altz menthlichkeit, unless my leaving was the bigger help when my kid was messing up. my dh otoh whenever we went to his parents for meal & I wanted to clear the table,as simple derech eretz, my hub wudnt let me bc being one of oldest he helped in the house with everything & saw his sibs just sitting at table & not budging so he got resentful, he wud tell me why do u need to clear tables when u have a bunch of teenagers sitting here, let them start giving a hand like I used to do everything. in other words his next bros shud train in & take over the work that he did when he was home.

shevi82

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 3:30 am

It all has to do with attitude. When I had really little kids and was less available I always brought a nice gift for the younger kids at home, like a game a bracelet. Also would bring a dessert a Kugel a salad as well as flowers or wine. It shows you appreciate the efforts made before and during Yom tov.We also always made sure to leave our rooms neat, toys put away, rooms swept, beds made.Now that I also have older kids, I make sure they are helpful with serving, setting tables etc.

Eishes Chaim

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 6:21 am

Being from the older ones, in my parents home, my mother sits during the meals. We (sisters, single/married) take turns serving/ clearing the table.
I can’t understand why/how anyone can come and vacation, at the expense of others.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 6:22 am

In addition to much of what was said before, I’m coming primarily because it makes my parents happy. It is much easier to stay at home, cooking/cleaning and all, than to pack sufficient clothing that is Bubby standard for everyone, make the long drive with lots of kvetching and crying, arrive wiped out with a car littered with all of the food remnants, try to get everyone happy with their sleeping arrangements (who will sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor this time?), and deal with a not fully childproof home. At home I am much more relaxed about messes and unbrushed hair and schedules, but that doesn’t fly in someone else’s home. At home I can nap on the couch while the kids play, again doesn’t work so well here.

We are happy to do it for my parents and for the kids, but when I zone out on the couch with a book it’s not because I expected a vacation, it’s because I seriously need a break from the stresses of bringing a family to another environment.

And I don’t have expectations from others - they have expectations of me and the standards I am supposed to have, and expecting that we will adjust instantly to a very different set of rules.

amother

Blonde

Thu, Sep 27 2018, 7:49 am

amother wrote:

I couldn't agree more! It's super challenging to go to my inlaws. They don't even attempt to make schedule work with the kids. They do play with the kids and hold the baby but only when they want to. If it happens to be nap time and kids need to go to sleep they wont give up their desire to play with/hold the kids and schedule is thrown off and then I'm the bad one if I try to enforce it (because how can I rob them of their nachas and they never get to see the kids!!! Where were they 6am when the kids were up??). We are not welcome in the house before candle lighting (so can't be helping) and my offers to help are repeatedly turned down. It would be so much easier to just stay home and do all the cooking and cleaning on my schedule by myself.

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