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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Need advice about motherless children in my house



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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:22 am
My good friend was niftar recently and left behind a large family ka"h. Their father is having a hard time. The younger kids are at my house a lot. Because they're going through so much, their behavior can be difficult. My own kids are starting to get annoyed at having them over. But these kids really need a warm, stable place to spend time. They want lots of cuddles and attention, and need someone who will set firm loving boundaries (they're being cared for by wonderful but aging family members who feel overwhelmed and aren't able to set boundaries much). They've gotten away with bratty behavior at home because everyone feels sorry for them, but in my home I require good manners and mentchlichkeit, and they love it. I think they feel safe knowing there are rules and expectations in place. Anyway, so they're here a lot, which is hard work but makes me happy. But my kids are getting annoyed and jealous. How can I balance doing chesed, with making sure I'm not doing it at the expense of my own children?
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ima22




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:32 am
House rules. They may test the rules at first but if you are consistent and your home is warm and loving, they will keep coming back despite the rules.
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Frumwithallergies




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:34 am
I have been in a similar situation since a friend of mine has been hospitalized for the past two months. Having three of her little ones around has made one of mine especially resentful.

My trick has been to explain gently (she's old enough to understand) understanding that this Ima is sick and her kids are sad that they cannot see her. I try to give my children extra hugs and a few minutes of extra attention (reading an extra book, extra snuggle time etc)... it's not easy.

Kol hakavod to you and yasher koach. My sincerest condolences on the loss of your friend.
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1091




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:35 am
We had this a few years ago. We never kept our door locked. We stocked their favorite foods. They came for my oldest daughter. She was amazing with them. Lasted about a year.

We had rules. No one in the house during dinner time. When they could come. When they had to leave at night. At some point, where they could be in the house. We needed boundaries to protect the children who weren’t so happy that they were always there.

It worked itself out and then one day they stopped coming. My daughter was devastated. She’d grown to love them.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:40 am
BD"E. How tragic for all. May they find comfort.

I imagine the worst thing would be for you and your family to burn out, and thus create yet another loss in their young lives. So I'm suggesting moderation.

I think you may have an answer right there in your question.

amother wrote:
How can I balance doing chesed, with making sure I'm not doing it at the expense of my own children?


You can balance doing chesed with making sure you're not doing it at the expense of your own children.

Helping these kids, and having them over, is a wonderful kindness. Having a clear structure is, too.

That being said, short of adopting them all, you cannot fill the hole in their lives, hearts, and disciplinary needs, by putting in "enough" hours. It's a full time proposition, and by attempting something else, you're hurting your own family without solving their problem.

Your job may be to find that sweet spot. Look for a regular, reasonable amount of time that you can commit to on a long term basis, without taking too much from your own kids.

Maybe 2-3 hours, or one afternoon/evening a week?

Offer rewards for your kids if needed, or arrange other places for them to be during that time if necessary.

May all find healing.
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simcha2




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 03 2018, 8:28 am
Depending on the ages of your kids you can have a conversation that Hashem tells us many times that what you are doing is more important to Him than davening on Yom Kippur. (You could show them the Haftara from YK).

This doesn't mean you need to ignore your kids' needs. Extra attention to them, "just because I love you gifts " etc., but it is important that they know that sometimes someone else's need is also important. Both from learning to be a compassionate human being perspective, but also from a halachic one.

Your kids are not being irreparably harmed by seeing that we extend ourselves for those in need. They are learning an important life lesson. (But consider making them their favorite meal for dinner! ).
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