Don't ask my son if he works here

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View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Scarlet

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:11 pm

Ladies. OP is hurting. Maybe for herself, maybe for her son, but she is hurting. Don't tell her it's not real. It won't make the pain go away, it will just make her hold on to it harder in defense of her right to feel this way. And she very much has the right to feel this way.

OP, your son has made a decision to dress in a certain way and either you or he feels that people were judgemental of that choice. You don't feel like they can look past the style of shirt to see the beautiful person inside. "Al tistakel bikankan" you say, because you know that what's inside doesn't reflect their preconceived ideas of what they think is or should be. Maybe your son is testing the waters and you're afraid he'll live up to other people's expectations of him? Maybe he's relaxed his standards in an area that he feels doesn't affect his active relationship with Hashem and is worried that people won't see that and it will affect his standing in their eyes? Maybe he just didn't have a clean shirt and felt self concious that people were looking at him differently and it made him uncomfortable? Who knows? The end of it is that he or you were hurt by this person's most likely innocent question.

I would argue that the best thing you can do for your son now, before he becomes a husband, father, leader, is to teach him to own his feelings, not look to outsource them, and to try to judge others favorably. In this situation that would look like talking about the feeling "I was upset she thought I worked there because I'm struggling with my place now as learner vs earner. I haven't made the final decision yet and in that moment it felt like she made it for me. " (Or whatever caused the feeling of hurt- it very likely isn't this, I was just giving an example.) Then turn the perspective and talk about the person who asked. "It was just a random stranger looking for something in the store on a busy day. She wasn't judging me, she was looking for help and I happened to be standing there. I was already uncomfortable for whatever reason so I took it that way, but in all likelihood it was actually a compliment. I probably looked confident and kind."

This is such an important skill for young people (and old!) to practice and hone.

Wishing you peace of mind and much nachas from your son!

Hug

simcha2

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:14 pm

As someone who worked in a store for my last two years of high school and through college, I don't get this. My working paid for a significant percentage of my year in Israel and of my degree. I'm proud to have worked in a store so I could have those opportunities that were beyond the reach of my parents.

Being asked if you work in a store is a compliment.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:16 pm

OP, Im sorry you feel this way. I think YOU have to work through this.
I mean, this is YOUR insecurity. This literally has nothing to do with your son.
Does he care? And so what if a learning boy is thought to be a working boy or what if a working boy is thought to be a learning boy? Is that really the end of the world.

I think you are thinking about this WAAAY too deeply. Its literally just a shirt and people mistaken workers in stores all of the time.

dankbar

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:29 pm

I usually take off my jacket when I shop in supermarket so people assume Im a salesperson

ahuva06

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:32 pm

I constantly get asked if I work in the store that I'm shopping in. Or actually, not even. People just ask me where things are etc. I never even thought to be insulted...

Ruchel

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:42 pm

I dress rather "up" so I've been mistaken for someone working in a shop. Meh.

amother

Seashell

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:50 pm

Well, is he working there or not?

amother

Maroon

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 3:51 pm

I doubt it has anything to do with the shirt style. If he’s just standing there and not purchasing things he could be mistaken for a worker.
Op, you sound like you wish your son would be busy with other things. You sound like you wish his appearance was different.
He might get a kick out of being mistaken for a worker. After all, there’s really nothing wrong with being a worker in a store!

amother

Peach

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 4:09 pm

I know a woman who actually does work in a supermarket....part of her job is putting together orders made by phone.....but lo & behold, she's always wearing a jacket or purse, just like customers do, while she's putting together orders.....to avoid being caught WORKING!! Its a shame.....that she feels shame.....bc she could've been such an asset to the store.....had she gone around among the customers giving service or ideas about how to use ing.....Also Im always wary of placing a phone order.....bc I dont know which shmagege is putting tog my order....& end up full of mistakes.....but if people knew that a knowledgable woman who is actually familiar with cooking & kitchen items is doing their order....they would have no problem placing phone orders!

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 4:16 pm

Lizzie4 wrote:

I have a very confident walk. I like to quickly find and buy what I need and leave the store (I look like I know what I'm doing). I am always mistaken for a saleswoman. I don't mind it at all

Same, something about walking with purpose makes people think you know what you're talking about.

Kiwi13

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 6:32 pm

I once took my car to the shop and then, as I walked into the attached shopping mall, a guy motioned to me near a tire display and said “I’m thinking about some tires!” I was like, “cool.” He was like, “you don’t work here?” “Nope!” But actually I thought the whole thing was pretty cool, it was the only time ever in my life that anybody assumed I knew anything about cars. (I don’t.)

zaq

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 6:58 pm

Sometimes (usually) a question is just a question, not a veiled insult. If you're walking down the street and someone asks you where’s the nearest liquor store, do you really think they’re implying that you look like a lush?Do you assume the person asking must be a lush?

(Sign of the times, I once asked a passerby this very question and got “ I have no idea, I order everything online!” )

dankbar

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:00 pm

I do understand the OP. Her point was that people are judging her son with a lowered status of a lifestyle ( that hes is a working boy,which he is not, rather than a yeshiva guy, which he is) due to fact that he was wearing more of a casual shirt. She meant to say why people are judging what type of guy he is based on his externals, his dress....People took her opening wrong.....Yes anybody can be mistaken as the sales guy instead of the customer....but she felt sensitive because of the judgement factor!

Mommyg8

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:26 pm

dankbar wrote:

Um... two of my sons worked bein hazmanim. In Lakewood stores. They happen to be learning boys, but even if they weren't...

Is there something wrong if a guy is working? Drugs, I understand. Drinking, I understand. But working? What a strange world we live in...

simba

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:28 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

My thoughts exactly. OP, if your son is wearing a white shirt to work you should be proud of him.
Not that there's is anything wrong with a blue shirt but I have dare go there.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:31 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

I guess op is afraid that her son always looks like he’s in the middle of bein hazmanim... whatever, this thread is getting boring ...

amother

Puce

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:45 pm

amother wrote:

When you are out shopping in a large Lakewood Jewish store, and you see my son please don't ask him: do you work here. Just don't. Just because his white shirt is the casual type instead of dress shirt doesn't make him a worker. I have nothing against the young men who are working and I think its great. But please don't ask that of any young person who u think fits your stereotypical preconceived notions of what workers and customers look like.

If you want to ask a young man, you can say: do you know anyone who works here, and either he'll say sure, I do how can I help. Or he'll say yeah that guy over there was helping me b4. Why do you need to ask your questions in a way that stereotypes?

Please don't make stupid assumptions that are hurtful to young boys just because their white shirt isn't the way you think it should look.

I hope you and your son never have any worse problems.

zaq

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:46 pm

dankbar wrote:

A judgment that may well exist only in OP’s head. What would she say if her ds wore a regulation white dress shirt and got asked the same question? In fact, I suggest that her ds test her theory by wearing a white dress shirt just to see if he’s treated any differently.

Frankly, the more I think about it, the less sympathy I gave for OP and the more I’m offended on behalf of working boys everywhere. You don’t see OP’s glaring disdain for working boys? If she really respected working boys, why would she be so enraged at the thought that her ds might be mistaken for one?

And why is she ranting at innocent shoppers, anyway? If she’s so concerned with the impression that her ds shirt makes, why doesn’t she just say “You know, ds, if you want people to know you’re a Yeshiva Bocher, you have to dress like one and not like a lifeguard/ shopkeeper/messenger/Indian chief.” Surely that would be more effective than spewing venom all over our screens.

amother

Puce

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 7:48 pm

amother wrote:

I hope you and your son never have any worse problems.

Am I the only one here who thinks there’s something deeper going on with OP?

chestnut

Wed, Oct 03 2018, 8:19 pm

amother wrote:

Am I the only one here who thinks there’s something deeper going on with OP?

It sounds to me that her son who dresses more casually than a Yeshiva bachur (or not learning full time) is looked down at by others, because of that.

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