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My old manager stole my life
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amother




Mistyrose


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 10:49 am
It's been more than 2 years since my old manager left but I still can't stop thinking how challenging my life was working under him and how much he manipulated/abused me and stole my life. Here are some examples of what he did:
1. He would make me work for him round the clock- from home, on weekends, at nights, during vacation, all without pay, saying "it's part of the job". This is all while he was getting paid hefty salary, and I was getting paid by the hour, only for the work done in the office and he dumped much of his responsibilities on me.
2. In the beginning he was all nice to me and built me up, complimenting me all the time and telling everyone how amazing I am, but after a few months, started harassing me mercilessly.
3. He had unrealistic and unfair demands higher than the boss and would make me live up to them and then yell at me at the slightest infraction, even when it had nothing to do with me, saying I should've noticed the mistake.
4. He would hush me, not letting me tell anyone what went on, implanting fear in me if I dared do so and the slightest possible comment about him, I would hear about it big time, like how dare I speak about him. He also had henchmen who felt good working for him and would report back to him every move I made.
5. He would accuse me of not being nice enough to various people who worked for him and then accuse me of being too friendly, causing me endless confusion of exactly what was expected.


All this, plus lots more, caused me tremendous stress and anxiety and infiltrated every aspect of my life- chinuch, shalom bayis, finances, ruchniyus, self esteem, emotional health and more.
Also, even though he terribly took advantage of me, I still felt good working for him, like privileged that he considers me worthy of all his important work so therefore never left it, even though it made no sense for me.
I also kept telling myself and everyone else that I love what I do and am so happy, but at the same time was so taken advantage of and constantly thinking what I can do to make him happier with me and how I can better please him.
I was also devastated when he left and couldn't imagine life without him and still think about him many times.
I'm so grateful to Hashem for getting me out of such a miserable situation but yet, I can't stop thinking how much time, effort, energy and health was absolutely wasted on a strange man and how much it affected my life and how I will never get back those stolen years.
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amother




Beige


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:01 am
Op, I feel for you tremendously!
I too worked for an abusive boss. It was actually in a extremely exclusive and well known high school that most people hold in very high esteem. I worked for the principal and she broke me down until I was a shell of my former confident and capable self.
I'm also so thankful to be out of the job and it took me quite a few years to recover emotionally. Bh, I think I am there now.
You'll get there as well! Just know that your boss was the crazy person and NOT you! He abused his power and made you feel like a worm. I'm sure you are capable, responsible and a great employee. Nobody will truly understand what you went through unless they experienced it as well.
Wishing you healing!
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amother




Plum


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:03 am
That sounds awful.
Honestly therapy would do you good. It sounds like 2 years later you still feel trauma. Good to process it. Also it sounds like an abusive situation that you need to learn how to extract yourself from for the future so it doesn't happen again.
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amother




Aqua


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:13 am
I am still under an abusive bosses. It's annoying. I get paid late because I live at home.
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amother




Floralwhite


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:21 am
When I saw it went too far, I just quit my job.
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imasinger









  


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:34 am
I, too, have dealt with bosses like this. Not in decades, b"H. It's truly toxic.

OP, maybe it would help if you can focus on the good that came out of this, rather than calling those years "wasted." Somehow, despite him, you persisted, grew, managed a family. And when he left, it may have taken time, but perhaps you are stronger and more appreciative of life's good things than if you hadn't been through this?

Living well is the best revenge. Whatever already happened might have been challenging, but it doesn't have to poison the present.
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amother




Mistyrose


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:37 am
imasinger wrote:
I, too, have dealt with bosses like this. Not in decades, b"H. It's truly toxic.

OP, maybe it would help if you can focus on the good that came out of this, rather than calling those years "wasted." Somehow, despite him, you persisted, grew, managed a family. And when he left, it may have taken time, but perhaps you are stronger and more appreciative of life's good things than if you hadn't been through this?

Living well is the best revenge. Whatever already happened might have been challenging, but it doesn't have to poison the present.


Yes, you're so right! Thank you! You have truly comforted me!
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thunderstorm









  


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:42 am
I left my job a few years ago because of a situation like this. The stress turned into full blown depression and anxiety. I had to be medicated and I quit my job letting the bosses know why. They were utterly shocked and didn't blame me for leaving after I explained what was going on.
I'm so happy I left. I completely disconnected myself and Baruch HaShem I no longer suffer from that depression and anxiety that nearly cost me my life , literally.
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amother




Mistyrose


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:44 am
amother wrote:
That sounds awful.
Honestly therapy would do you good. It sounds like 2 years later you still feel trauma. Good to process it. Also it sounds like an abusive situation that you need to learn how to extract yourself from for the future so it doesn't happen again.


I was told by one of bosses that I was abused by old manager and therefore behave now in certain way, causing others to dislike me and feel uncomfortable around me. I was very offended hearing that and didn't want to hear further. Should I take him seriously? What should I do about it?
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amother




Purple


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:53 am
amother wrote:
It's been more than 2 years since my old manager left but I still can't stop thinking how retarded my life was working under him and how much he manipulated/abused me and stole my life. Here are some examples of what he did:
1. He would make me work for him round the clock- from home, on weekends, at nights, during vacation, all without pay, saying "it's part of the job". This is all while he was getting paid hefty salary, and I was getting paid by the hour, only for the work done in the office and he dumped much of his responsibilities on me.
2. In the beginning he was all nice to me and built me up, complimenting me all the time and telling everyone how amazing I am, but after a few months, started harassing me mercilessly.
3. He had unrealistic and unfair demands higher than the boss and would make me live up to them and then yell at me at the slightest infraction, even when it had nothing to do with me, saying I should've noticed the mistake.
4. He would hush me, not letting me tell anyone what went on, implanting fear in me if I dared do so and the slightest possible comment about him, I would hear about it big time, like how dare I speak about him. He also had henchmen who felt good working for him and would report back to him every move I made.
5. He would accuse me of not being nice enough to various people who worked for him and then accuse me of being too friendly, causing me endless confusion of exactly what was expected.


All this, plus lots more, caused me tremendous stress and anxiety and infiltrated every aspect of my life- chinuch, shalom bayis, finances, ruchniyus, self esteem, emotional health and more.
Also, even though he terribly took advantage of me, I still felt good working for him, like privileged that he considers me worthy of all his important work so therefore never left it, even though it made no sense for me.
I also kept telling myself and everyone else that I love what I do and am so happy, but at the same time was so taken advantage of and constantly thinking what I can do to make him happier with me and how I can better please him.
I was also devastated when he left and couldn't imagine life without him and still think about him many times.
I'm so grateful to Hashem for getting me out of such a miserable situation but yet, I can't stop thinking how much time, effort, energy and health was absolutely wasted on a strange man and how much it affected my life and how I will never get back those stolen years.


I am truly sorry for what you have been through and for your continued suffering. As a SAHM I don't feel qualified to advise you on what to do about going forward workwise, although Imasinger provided wise advice as usual.

However, I wanted to point out that using the word "retarded" in such a context is considered extremely offensive for those of us who have differently abled members of our families or communities. I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt anyone. Would you mind editing your post and refraining from using the 'R' word in the future?
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amother




Mistyrose


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:55 am
amother wrote:
I am truly sorry for what you have been through and for your continued suffering. As a SAHM I don't feel qualified to advise you on what to do about going forward workwise, although Imasinger provided wise advice as usual.

However, I wanted to point out that using the word "retarded" in such a context is considered extremely offensive for those of us who have differently abled members of our families or communities. I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt anyone. Would you mind editing your post and refraining from using the 'R' word in the future?


sure and I apologize for that.
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Rappel









  


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 12:10 pm
Spot on, imasinger.

OP, might I suggest you Google the first-hand accounts of victims of NPD? You may find a lot of validation in knowing that you're not alone, and comfort in each person's method of moving on.

(I'm not saying your manager had NPD, but your description of his behavior definitely rings a bell. Either way, he was controlling and abusive, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.)
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Emotional









  


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 12:13 pm
amother wrote:
When I saw it went too far, I just quit my job.

Not everyone has a choice.
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amother




Mistyrose


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 12:36 pm
Rappel wrote:
Spot on, imasinger.

OP, might I suggest you Google the first-hand accounts of victims of NPD? You may find a lot of validation in knowing that you're not alone, and comfort in each person's method of moving on.

(I'm not saying your manager had NPD, but your description of his behavior definitely rings a bell. Either way, he was controlling and abusive, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.)


I just googled it, thanks for the great suggestion! Wow, you're so right! He really does sound like he had it. Ok, all these comments are really making me feel much better! So glad I got this off my chest here!
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Fox









  


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 12:43 pm
amother wrote:
I was told by one of bosses that I was abused by old manager and therefore behave now in certain way, causing others to dislike me and feel uncomfortable around me. I was very offended hearing that and didn't want to hear further. Should I take him seriously? What should I do about it?

I think in all the conversation about domestic and s-xual abuse, it's easy to overlook how workplace abuse can be every bit as traumatic. It's often more insidious, too, because it builds up over a period of time, accustoming you to the abuse, rather than coming in explosive outbursts.

If your experience is interfering with your life, it's time to get help! If I understand you correctly, you have remained at your place of employment while the abusive manager left. If this is correct, I wouldn't be the least bit shy about asking your employer to pay for whatever therapy you need to help you both personally and professionally.

Hatzlacha!
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amother




Magenta


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 12:49 pm
Op, I can relate. Everything u wrote about ur previous boss is exactly what my boss does to me and more. I'm stressed from this abusive work environment and can't leave bec then id be stressed about having no place to live, no school for my kids...so I must work to pay my bills.

However, I dont feel its a privilege to work for my boss. I'm disgusted by the corruption of these bosses and how inhumane and power hungry they are. I dont respect them in my heart even though on the "outside" I must who them "respect" and listen to their commands.


I wish my dh would make enough money so I can quit but with our hishtadlus, it must be hashems will for me to be in this position bec I am stuck due to needing the money.

I am so stressed from this abusive environment that I dont have the strength to go to other events for my kids/sibilings/parents. Nobody understands what I go through but just think that I'm rich bec I make a lot of money(I'm not rich, can't afford extras but could pay my bills bh). Its stressing me so much that it affects my serenity bec like u, I also have so much pressure to finish job projects at home. Besides the pressure, my boss constantly criticizes and makes me feel unsuccessful and unfulfilled. My boss gets a bonus based on what me n my colleagues do, we do all the work for her.

I feel like everyday I'm climbing out of a hole and someone is pushing me down each Tim I start clmbing towards the top.
I'm hoping the day will come wen I can leave.
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imasinger









  


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 12:54 pm
amother wrote:

I was told by one of bosses that I was abused by old manager and therefore behave now in certain way, causing others to dislike me and feel uncomfortable around me. I was very offended hearing that and didn't want to hear further. Should I take him seriously? What should I do about it?


What Fox said. And this:

If a boss tells me that my behavior is problematic to my co-workers for whatever reason, it's important to take that feedback to heart and address the problem right away. There's no ignoring this complaint, unless I want to lose my job, in which case I should quit.

Therapy is good, but when it comes to this kind of thing, it would also be helpful to ask the boss who gave this feedback for a recommendation of a good mentor, who can kindly help you change the problematic behaviors before it's too late.
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ora_43









  


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 1:19 pm
amother wrote:
I was told by one of bosses that I was abused by old manager and therefore behave now in certain way, causing others to dislike me and feel uncomfortable around me. I was very offended hearing that and didn't want to hear further. Should I take him seriously? What should I do about it?

Do you trust this boss?

In general, you have to take feedback from your boss seriously, because it could affect your career. But what, specifically, to do about it depends on how realistic/helpful his feedback is.

It sounds like he gave his feedback in a harsh way (telling you people dislike you, really??), which is not a great sign. But it's worth asking what specific behaviors he sees that he thinks make people uncomfortable, and then being brutally honest with yourself about whether you think there's something to it. If there's a coworker you trust to be honest with you (but not unkind), ask their opinion.
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amother




Mistyrose


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 1:23 pm
ora_43 wrote:
Do you trust this boss?

In general, you have to take feedback from your boss seriously, because it could affect your career. But what, specifically, to do about it depends on how realistic/helpful his feedback is.

It sounds like he gave his feedback in a harsh way (telling you people dislike you, really??), which is not a great sign. But it's worth asking what specific behaviors he sees that he thinks make people uncomfortable, and then being brutally honest with yourself about whether you think there's something to it. If there's a coworker you trust to be honest with you (but not unkind), ask their opinion.


I'm not sure if I trust him. I was very surprised to hear this, especially as he told to me at very inopportune time and just based on his observations, nothing concrete. Therefore, I was very offended and never followed up, although I do think about it all the time as want to be liked.
I did ask others whom I trust and they told me it's not true. They didn't react strongly and say, no way, everyone loves you! But they said they don't think it's true what he's saying, however, I'm very verbal and open with my feelings, which is true, partially as I don't want others to step on me, the same way old manager did.
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Amalia









  


Post  Thu, Oct 04 2018, 5:18 pm
Dear OP,

From the description that you gave of your previous boss and the relationship you had with him then, as well as how it all is still affecting you now, I think that you may have what is called a “trauma bond.” If that is the case, I think that you will need to work with a therapist who understands this specific pattern of abuse and who will hopefully guide you through the current work situation as well.

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist myself, and I am writing this on the basis of personal experience.
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