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My old manager stole my life
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 04 2018, 5:51 pm
amother wrote:
It's been more than 2 years since my old manager left but I still can't stop thinking how challenging my life was working under him and how much he manipulated/abused me and stole my life. Here are some examples of what he did:
1. He would make me work for him round the clock- from home, on weekends, at nights, during vacation, all without pay, saying "it's part of the job". This is all while he was getting paid hefty salary, and I was getting paid by the hour, only for the work done in the office and he dumped much of his responsibilities on me.
2. In the beginning he was all nice to me and built me up, complimenting me all the time and telling everyone how amazing I am, but after a few months, started harassing me mercilessly.
3. He had unrealistic and unfair demands higher than the boss and would make me live up to them and then yell at me at the slightest infraction, even when it had nothing to do with me, saying I should've noticed the mistake.
4. He would hush me, not letting me tell anyone what went on, implanting fear in me if I dared do so and the slightest possible comment about him, I would hear about it big time, like how dare I speak about him. He also had henchmen who felt good working for him and would report back to him every move I made.
5. He would accuse me of not being nice enough to various people who worked for him and then accuse me of being too friendly, causing me endless confusion of exactly what was expected.


All this, plus lots more, caused me tremendous stress and anxiety and infiltrated every aspect of my life- chinuch, shalom bayis, finances, ruchniyus, self esteem, emotional health and more.
Also, even though he terribly took advantage of me, I still felt good working for him, like privileged that he considers me worthy of all his important work so therefore never left it, even though it made no sense for me.
I also kept telling myself and everyone else that I love what I do and am so happy, but at the same time was so taken advantage of and constantly thinking what I can do to make him happier with me and how I can better please him.
I was also devastated when he left and couldn't imagine life without him and still think about him many times.
I'm so grateful to Hashem for getting me out of such a miserable situation but yet, I can't stop thinking how much time, effort, energy and health was absolutely wasted on a strange man and how much it affected my life and how I will never get back those stolen years.


If it was terrible for you, you should have quit. Period. There are other jobs out there and no one hsoukd be treated that way, much less feel so much stress because of any individual. He only did to you what you allowed him to.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Thu, Oct 04 2018, 6:55 pm
Cheiny wrote:
If it was terrible for you, you should have quit. Period. There are other jobs out there and no one hsoukd be treated that way, much less feel so much stress because of any individual. He only did to you what you allowed him to.


Gee, this is one of the most helpful replies I've ever seen. Shame on you
Seriously, why would you post such an ignorant response??
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 04 2018, 10:29 pm
usually people who got abused go on to abuse others, even without realizing, as soon as they are free of the hands of abuser. It's a coping mechanism which the brain does mind games putting you into the role of aggressor rather than being the victim, when the fear is gone, that is if they dont get the right help to rid them from the trauma
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 04 2018, 10:45 pm
I'm not saying that this is a sure thing by you but just some awareness how these things work.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 04 2018, 10:48 pm
Also don't say you wasted your years. Hashem put you in that situation for some reason. Challenges are like a bridge you either pass & get ahead or u drown. This hopefully built you & made you grow. Now you are stronger & know better.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 04 2018, 10:51 pm
Also you did have some benefits you made money. Obviously it was worth it for you to go thru the mud, if u chose that, must be the money was good bc otherwise you would figure you rather drop it & get another job.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 6:45 am
dankbar wrote:
usually people who got abused go on to abuse others, even without realizing, as soon as they are free of the hands of abuser. It's a coping mechanism which the brain does mind games putting you into the role of aggressor rather than being the victim, when the fear is gone, that is if they dont get the right help to rid them from the trauma


Is this proven to be true? This is definitely not true by me or my friends who were abused by our bosses. The opposite!! We see how not to treat ppl and wont ever copy that disgusting behavior!!
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youngatheart4




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 7:26 am
You don't say exactly what sort of company you worked for or if you were a salaried or paid hourly. There are protections in place (by the Dept. of Labor) to protect employees against such abuses, especially with regards to paying overtime to those paid hourly. If you had a human resources department or an employee manual spelling out details of employment, that would have been a good place to start. You always run the risk of being labeled a troublemaker but one should weigh the costs and the benefits of trying to solve the problem at the time it occurs. As an employer, I can tell you that no one wants to be audited by the Department of Labor for violating the rules of overtime pay. Also your employee manual may have a mechanism for complaints which you should have followed. It sounds like you were in a difficult situation but at least your abuser is gone.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 9:38 am
youngatheart4 wrote:
You don't say exactly what sort of company you worked for or if you were a salaried or paid hourly. There are protections in place (by the Dept. of Labor) to protect employees against such abuses, especially with regards to paying overtime to those paid hourly. If you had a human resources department or an employee manual spelling out details of employment, that would have been a good place to start. You always run the risk of being labeled a troublemaker but one should weigh the costs and the benefits of trying to solve the problem at the time it occurs. As an employer, I can tell you that no one wants to be audited by the Department of Labor for violating the rules of overtime pay. Also your employee manual may have a mechanism for complaints which you should have followed. It sounds like you were in a difficult situation but at least your abuser is gone.


There are many laws but they are not usually enforced unless there is discrimination based on a certain race or another "biggie" like that. But, the abusive bosses usually will "twist" around a situation for a whistleblower like make a false accusation against the whistleblower and getting "witnesses"(fake) to verify it....at the same time these employers are usually dishones/corrupt and are not reporting things as they are in real life such that everything may look okay on paper if audited. Tues employers are all powerfull and usually get away with violating employees ' rights/laws....ive had a lot of experience with this and know that 98% of the time, the employee doesn't gain anything from being a whistleblower (unless different race can say discrimination or..).
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youngatheart4




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 10:19 am
amother wrote:
There are many laws but they are not usually enforced unless there is discrimination based on a certain race or another "biggie" like that. But, the abusive bosses usually will "twist" around a situation for a whistleblower like make a false accusation against the whistleblower and getting "witnesses"(fake) to verify it....at the same time these employers are usually dishones/corrupt and are not reporting things as they are in real life such that everything may look okay on paper if audited. Tues employers are all powerfull and usually get away with violating employees ' rights/laws....ive had a lot of experience with this and know that 98% of the time, the employee doesn't gain anything from being a whistleblower (unless different race can say discrimination or..).


I agree with some of your statements; however, if you have evidence of being forced to work off the clock when you are an hourly employee, I respectfully disagree. I know of several employers where this pattern of abuse was investigated and employers were penalized. I was advised by the state and federal regulatory authorities that they are required to open an investigation into all complaints. As an employer, no one wants to deal with regulatory agencies. In this situation, her abuser is gone hopefully the problems she detailed are over.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 10:29 am
If it's a Jewish boss who wants to get involved in mesirah?
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 1:18 pm
youngatheart4 wrote:
You don't say exactly what sort of company you worked for or if you were a salaried or paid hourly. There are protections in place (by the Dept. of Labor) to protect employees against such abuses, especially with regards to paying overtime to those paid hourly. If you had a human resources department or an employee manual spelling out details of employment, that would have been a good place to start. You always run the risk of being labeled a troublemaker but one should weigh the costs and the benefits of trying to solve the problem at the time it occurs. As an employer, I can tell you that no one wants to be audited by the Department of Labor for violating the rules of overtime pay. Also your employee manual may have a mechanism for complaints which you should have followed. It sounds like you were in a difficult situation but at least your abuser is gone.


I work for a Jewish company and got paid hourly and was forced to put in lots of extra unpaid time with the ridiculous response of it being "part of the job" and "this is how our dept functions", with the subtle threat of being "kicked out" of the dept or job if I can't comply. Being that I really needed whatever money was being paid desperately, I stuck it out. It happens to be, I found out after, that it wasn't as financially beneficial as I thought at the time bec it affected other financial aspects in a negative way, which I didn't realize at the time as it was a slow process and I was under so much stress and my mind was constantly consumed with getting the job done right, pleasing the manager, and trying to be one step ahead of him, so he won't "catch any mistakes", instead of taking a few minutes to think if this whole crazy job is even worth it for me.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 1:22 pm
dankbar wrote:
Also don't say you wasted your years. Hashem put you in that situation for some reason. Challenges are like a bridge you either pass & get ahead or u drown. This hopefully built you & made you grow. Now you are stronger & know better.


Thanks so much for this! You're right, I'm definitely much stronger and know a lot better!
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 1:23 pm
Cheiny wrote:
If it was terrible for you, you should have quit. Period. There are other jobs out there and no one hsoukd be treated that way, much less feel so much stress because of any individual. He only did to you what you allowed him to.


It wasn't an option for me to quit. I still viewed it as a great job and kept telling myself and everyone else how much I love my job and how happy I am.
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 1:24 pm
dankbar wrote:
usually people who got abused go on to abuse others, even without realizing, as soon as they are free of the hands of abuser. It's a coping mechanism which the brain does mind games putting you into the role of aggressor rather than being the victim, when the fear is gone, that is if they dont get the right help to rid them from the trauma


It could be. So what should I do about it?
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 1:25 pm
youngatheart4 wrote:
You don't say exactly what sort of company you worked for or if you were a salaried or paid hourly. There are protections in place (by the Dept. of Labor) to protect employees against such abuses, especially with regards to paying overtime to those paid hourly. If you had a human resources department or an employee manual spelling out details of employment, that would have been a good place to start. You always run the risk of being labeled a troublemaker but one should weigh the costs and the benefits of trying to solve the problem at the time it occurs. As an employer, I can tell you that no one wants to be audited by the Department of Labor for violating the rules of overtime pay. Also your employee manual may have a mechanism for complaints which you should have followed. It sounds like you were in a difficult situation but at least your abuser is gone.


I wasn't allowed to speak with HR! I was hushed into silence and afraid to speak with ANYONE in the company about my mistreatment!
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amother
Denim


 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 2:10 pm
if you love your job and he is gone then why are you not just so happy right now that he left and you are still there? you won!

not challenging you just you might want to think about it and see what comes up

he sounds like a master manipulator and you are still feeling the aftereffects of boundary violations and the rest of it

maybe given your lack of support you are still unhappy with the company?

you may want to explore therapy to heal from the aftereffects of the distortions of being in such a situation - an abusive situation and relationship so toxic and damaging B"H he left

seeing that it sounds like you want to stay there then id continue to do my best and strengthen ties with supportive people at work and focus on moving forward don't let him take up rent free space in your head or pull you back or down
you can be diplomatic keep boundaries and don't rely on your management or make it more of your life than it has to be or should be

strengthen yourself and in the other areas outside of work that can make the damage and stuff at work smaller too
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amother
Denim


 

Post Fri, Oct 05 2018, 2:50 pm
your thread title and post does indicate the extent of the enmeshment and anger and upset and confusion and you may want professional help to resolve -- also its already been almost two years and you "can stop thinking about him" couldn't imagine life without him and so on
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Metukah




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Oct 06 2018, 12:36 pm
dankbar wrote:
If it's a Jewish boss who wants to get involved in mesirah?


And that's why people get away with murder.

If he is a Jewish boss, he should've known better. If he didn't he deserves to be reported.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 11 2018, 7:28 am
amother wrote:
I'm not sure if I trust him. I was very surprised to hear this, especially as he told to me at very inopportune time and just based on his observations, nothing concrete. Therefore, I was very offended and never followed up, although I do think about it all the time as want to be liked.
I did ask others whom I trust and they told me it's not true. They didn't react strongly and say, no way, everyone loves you! But they said they don't think it's true what he's saying, however, I'm very verbal and open with my feelings, which is true, partially as I don't want others to step on me, the same way old manager did.

I could see this being a few things.

On one extreme, it could be that this boss isn't great either (is this one of the bosses who used to employ the old manager?), and interprets reasonable boundaries as "unfriendly."

On the other hand, it is possible that your bad experience has made you too quick to suspect people of trying to take advantage. IMO - figure out what your boundaries are in advance (will you move office space if someone asks? trade shifts? work extra hours when it's extremely urgent? work extra hours if you're paid? work extra hours only if you get overtime pay? etc...), and then practice saying "I can't do that," to everything else.

You don't need to get feelings involved. In fact, I'd say definitely don't get feelings involved. You don't want to be emotional at work. If you have to be "open with feelings" to get people to back off, that's not a good sign re: workplace environment - a simple "I can't do that," or "I can't, thanks for understanding" should be more than enough.
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