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Parents insisting on choosing my baby's name
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 12:39 pm
Metukah wrote:
And then where will it end?

I do not think this is a good idea, even if it will placate them.

The child is YOURS not theirs. If they want to name a child they should have another one or adopt.

If you give in in a small way, the requests will grow not diminish. Controlling behaviour gets worse, not better.


These parents who would like to name their grandchildren are probably also the kind who is supporting their married children. I think when they contribute financially they feel like they have a say in many things.
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essie14









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 1:33 pm
amother wrote:
I know a family like yours. The grandparents were sure that the parents would use a certain name and at the end they chose a different name.
The grandparents were so insulted and angry that they broke off all contact with their daughter, son in law and grandchildren. It was really very sad as they had been so close. If your parents are the type to make a big deal afterwards then it’s smart of you to try to think of how to deal with this. Speak to a rav or agree to a middle name. A rav should give you clarity and you will feel better with what you do.


This is INSANE!
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Metukah









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 1:38 pm
amother wrote:
These parents who would like to name their grandchildren are probably also the kind who is supporting their married children. I think when they contribute financially they feel like they have a say in many things.


Actually I don't believe that is necessarily the case. Controlling people behave this way but controlling people don't necessarily provide financial support.

My grandfather called every child and grandchild when they had a baby and told them what to call the baby. He never provided any financial support. On the other hand, my father did provide financial support for some children, but he NEVER EVER even suggested a name. Even when asked.

(why amother? What )
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amother




Babyblue


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 1:52 pm
Someone recently gave their dd 9 names!!! Apparently both sets of parents where mixing in so they named their dd after all the grandmothers so their parents should learn their lessons. A lot of jokes went around this name... (he did later change his dd name)
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MiracleMama









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 1:58 pm
amother wrote:
My parents are insisting that they have to choose my baby's name. They consider it stealing from them if I don't allow them to choose their own grandchild's name. I have other kids and every time they got mad at me that I chose the name. I don't want the specific name that they want and I never plan on naming my child that name. It is not a name that is their parents, they just want to be able to say that they chose this name for their grandchild. What can I do to make it less hard for them when I name my child the name that I will choose.


I of course agree with everyone that your parents' request is unreasonable and there is zero obligation to them.

Your question though, as to what you can do to make it less hard for them.... I'd say only one thing. Make it abundantly clear now so that they aren't walking around thinking you're seriously entertaining this request and they will have time to have gotten over it by the time your child is born. (Also like the suggestion of consulting with your rov for back-up).

B'shaah tova! And hope they can take it well.
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amother




Royalblue


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 3:47 pm
MiracleMama wrote:
I of course agree with everyone that your parents' request is unreasonable and there is zero obligation to them.

Your question though, as to what you can do to make it less hard for them.... I'd say only one thing. Make it abundantly clear now so that they aren't walking around thinking you're seriously entertaining this request and they will have time to have gotten over it by the time your child is born. (Also like the suggestion of consulting with your rov for back-up).

B'shaah tova! And hope they can take it well.


This scenario may backfire. Some parents will use the time period to create a whole fuss about this and build up the angst over it, or even resort to threatening tactics and blackmail. Depending on the parents, it may be better just to let them know immediately before the bris/kiddush and quickly proceed.
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Mommy1:)









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 3:54 pm
amother wrote:
These parents who would like to name their grandchildren are probably also the kind who is supporting their married children. I think when they contribute financially they feel like they have a say in many things.


Possibly, but not necessarily. Regardless of whether the parents pay for EVERYTHING, naming is up to those who birthed the child. It doesn't matter if the grandparents feel entitled.

OP, talk to your Rav if it helps you feel better and gain certainty, but this decision is yours to make.
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Maya









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 3:55 pm
To all those who think that parents naming a child involves ruach hakodesh, what about the practice of chassidim being practically forced to name their children after the most recently deceased relative? There are often families with several similarly aged grandchildren with the same name. Did they all have the same ruach hakodesh?
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PinkFridge









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 4:01 pm
Maya wrote:
To all those who think that parents naming a child involves ruach hakodesh, what about the practice of chassidim being practically forced to name their children after the most recently deceased relative? There are often families with several similarly aged grandchildren with the same name. Did they all have the same ruach hakodesh?


Some families, not just chassidim, have strong family minhagim about naming after relatives, and the order. But the ones I know aren't so rigid.
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amother




Lilac


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 4:05 pm
Maya wrote:
To all those who think that parents naming a child involves ruach hakodesh, what about the practice of chassidim being practically forced to name their children after the most recently deceased relative? There are often families with several similarly aged grandchildren with the same name. Did they all have the same ruach hakodesh?


I wondered the same for a while.because as a Lubavitcher, I wanted my first boy to be Menachem Mendel but then maybe it's not the right name because it doesn't seem like ruach hakodesh. Well, the morning after my baby boy was born, I looked at him and knew he was a Menachem Mendel. So yes, he shares a name with 8 (!) classmates, but it is meant to be his name.
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Metukah









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 4:23 pm
Maya wrote:
To all those who think that parents naming a child involves ruach hakodesh, what about the practice of chassidim being practically forced to name their children after the most recently deceased relative? There are often families with several similarly aged grandchildren with the same name. Did they all have the same ruach hakodesh?


Why do you think it's just chassidim?

We usually name after deceased relatives, but not always and no one forces us. When my first born was born I thought my grandfather's name was his and that was it. My second one is named after dh's great grandmother and the meaning of her name had great connection and significance to the circumstances sorrounding her birth. Even if it wasn't a grandmothers name we may have used that name.

I still believe it was ruach hakodesh.

We would never give a name we don't love.
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amother




Pink


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 5:11 pm
Maya wrote:
To all those who think that parents naming a child involves ruach hakodesh, what about the practice of chassidim being practically forced to name their children after the most recently deceased relative? There are often families with several similarly aged grandchildren with the same name. Did they all have the same ruach hakodesh?


Yes. And the same desire to honor their relatives. Why is that strange? Or forced? And why pick on chasidim? Others don't name for deceased relatives? And what about sephardim naming after their living parents? Are they also forced? Or are they carrying on a tradition of honoring their family? Seriously, why so negative?
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Metukah









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 5:15 pm
All charedi I know often name after relatives. Ashkenazim after deceased ones and Sefardim after live ones.
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amother




Plum


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 6:31 pm
In my case there was so much pressure from this name business we literally didn't want any more children. Just couldn't put ourselves through the pressure.

May no ima-member ever put their children through such h-ll.
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amother




Seashell


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 6:48 pm
Its interesting that you say your parents would consider it "stealing". What does stealing have to do with this?

It makes me wonder if perhaps they are supporting you and have an agreement that they get to name the children. Whenever I read such a one sided ridiculous story on this site I kinda feel as if we're missing facts.
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amother




Lemon


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 7:28 pm
Metukah wrote:
Why do you think it's just chassidim?

We usually name after deceased relatives, but not always and no one forces us. When my first born was born I thought my grandfather's name was his and that was it. My second one is named after dh's great grandmother and the meaning of her name had great connection and significance to the circumstances sorrounding her birth. Even if it wasn't a grandmothers name we may have used that name.

I still believe it was ruach hakodesh.

We would never give a name we don't love.


It's funny you said that, because I gave my dd a name I don't really like and I think it was my ruach hakodesh that made me choose it.. It took me a few days to pick a name, because I really didn't want to use that one, but I kept coming back to it. It just seemed like it was supposed to be her name. Eventually I gave in and named her that. she's in her 20s and I still don't like it, but I never feel like I made a mistake.
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amother




Bronze


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 7:32 pm
Maya wrote:
To all those who think that parents naming a child involves ruach hakodesh, what about the practice of chassidim being practically forced to name their children after the most recently deceased relative? There are often families with several similarly aged grandchildren with the same name. Did they all have the same ruach hakodesh?


Absolutely not forced. In Chassidishe circles it is considered a zechus and a very choshuv and special thing to name a child after a deceased close relative, ie: grandfather/grandmother.

No one would think of doing otherwise and woman who are pregnant after a close relative has passed away, always hope it will be that gender so that they can name after the niftar.

So, this is no way a forced thing. To the contrary, it is the very very opposite.

Please please clarify before making sweeping assumptions.
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amother




Copper


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 7:34 pm
Maya wrote:
To all those who think that parents naming a child involves ruach hakodesh, what about the practice of chassidim being practically forced to name their children after the most recently deceased relative? There are often families with several similarly aged grandchildren with the same name. Did they all have the same ruach hakodesh?


It’s still up to the parents. We have many duplicate names in our family. But we all chose which child to name and I’ve found that even when we knew for sure the name we were giving we changed it last minute do to a feeling.

I think sefardim have it even more so for the first 2 sons and first 2 daughters. To the point that grandparents order cookies with a name for the Bris or Shabbos kiddush.

A friend once dropped off a platter for a baby kiddush in my house she said I’m so lucky we are so relaxed. In her house grandparents and parents aren’t talking to each other over the name and there is huge stress. I thought that was so sad and such a loss during such s joyous time.

We should all remember how to interact with our own children when they are grown.
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believeit









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 7:41 pm
AS rabbi Paysach Krohn once said in a shiur I was attending: "You want to name a baby? Go have one yourself!"
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rainbow dash









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 7:44 pm
And then they wonder why so many ladies have depression and anxiety. Sad.
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