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OMG plse Help Me Process this shidduchim podcast Nebach
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marina









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 7:19 pm
https://www.apmpodcasts.org/ttfa/2018/10/nebach/

At the start of this podcast episode, it’s all about this yeshivish girl who is looking for a shidduch. blah blah blah...

halfway through she meets this boy who tells her a terrible secret and from then on it is heartbreaking and horrifying and I have so many conflicting feelings.

Plse listen so we can discuss.
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marina









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 7:38 pm
one thought is that he could have easily not told her at all. Like many just don’t say anything.
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Jeanette









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:11 pm
1) much less horrible than finding out after the marriage. Or after he's been arrested for a crime.

2) we dont control which yetzer hara we have, just what we do about it. If he was serious about doing the right thing he has to work it out before dating anyone.
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marina









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:23 pm
is there effective treatment? and why is he working or volunteering in that field

Last edited by marina on Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:37 pm; edited 1 time in total
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GreenEyes26









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:28 pm
Omg. I’m right at the part where he tells her his secret and I am totally shocked. Ok. Back to listening.
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tigerwife









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:45 pm
Wow. Definitely didn’t expect that.
It’s also hard for me to understand his perspective... would it help if he stopped watching things and removed himself from troubling situations like his volunteer work?? (Being vague so I don’t spoil it for anyone). Can someone like him change? Is this an actual nature and not acquired behavior (yuck)?

Poor girl.
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Reality









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:48 pm
Not sure what your conflicting feelings are.

She went through a horrible experience. If anyone asks her about him for shidduch purposes she should say he isn't marriage material.

He hasn't commited any crimes that she knows about so she can't report him to law enforcement.

Should she report him to the organizations he volunteers for? I personally think she should. Maybe other people feel that's a grey area and ask a shaila.

As a side point I hate when people make themselves out to be super frum to make the story more intriguing. We really didn't need to hear about all her religious resumes. Obviously she didn't stay that religious for a while if she fell in love with a catholic and a Muslim. Her experience is horrifying without adding the beginning part to make her tale juicier!
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marina









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:55 pm
I don’t think she had any relationship with the other guys, just like a crush from afar.
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marina









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:58 pm
Reality wrote:
Not sure what your conflicting feelings are.

She went through a horrible experience. If anyone asks her about him for shidduch purposes she should say he isn't marriage material.

He hasn't commited any crimes that she knows about so she can't report him to law enforcement.

Should she report him to the organizations he volunteers for? I personally think she should. Maybe other people feel that's a grey area and ask a shaila.

As a side point I hate when people make themselves out to be super frum to make the story more intriguing. We really didn't need to hear about all her religious resumes. Obviously she didn't stay that religious for a while if she fell in love with a catholic and a Muslim. Her experience is horrifying without adding the beginning part to make her tale juicier!


I guess my conflicting feelings are about him. Is he a good person with a terrible affliction that society needs to figure out how to address or an evil sick man who should be locked away? I mean he could have so easily not told her. He knew she would leave. He didn’t want to marry her under false pretenses and suffer later. But he is volunteering in that field and obviously not getting help.
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tigerwife









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 8:59 pm
Reality wrote:


As a side point I hate when people make themselves out to be super frum to make the story more intriguing. We really didn't need to hear about all her religious resumes. Obviously she didn't stay that religious for a while if she fell in love with a catholic and a Muslim. Her experience is horrifying without adding the beginning part to make her tale juicier!


Nothing in the story indicated she left religion. She had a crush on a couple of non Jewish guys, but she didn’t say she had a relationship with them. It happens.
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marina









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:00 pm
but why did he even date her. He must have known she would leave.
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tigerwife









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:02 pm
marina wrote:
I guess my conflicting feelings are about him. Is he a good person with a terrible affliction that society needs to figure out how to address or an evil sick man who should be locked away? I mean he could have so easily not told her. He knew she would leave. He didn’t want to marry her under false pretenses and suffer later. But he is volunteering in that field and obviously not getting help.


What bothered me the most is that he watches things which besides being sick is criminal behavior. Is this something he can’t help? He knows he is wrong, and I can’t imagine how watching wouldn’t exasperate his feelings. Is it addiction?
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Reality









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:06 pm
marina wrote:
I don’t think she had any relationship with the other guys, just like a crush from afar.


Ok. Then I think its weird that she mentioned them at all.
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SuperWify









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:06 pm
marina wrote:
but why did he even date her. He must have known she would leave.


Yes this.

But I’m happy he told her- it would’ve been a lot worse if she found out later on in the game...
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Reality









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:07 pm
tigerwife wrote:
What bothered me the most is that he watches things which besides being sick is criminal behavior. Is this something he can’t help? He knows he is wrong, and I can’t imagine how watching wouldn’t exasperate his feelings. Is it addiction?


She didn't say he watches [filth]. She said foreign films. Is that the same?
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Reality









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:12 pm
I think he deluded himself into thinking that because she loves him she will accept him for who he is. When he realized right away that he was living in a dream world he broke up with her.
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amother




Silver


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:23 pm
Reality wrote:
Not sure what your conflicting feelings are.

She went through a horrible experience. If anyone asks her about him for shidduch purposes she should say he isn't marriage material.

He hasn't commited any crimes that she knows about so she can't report him to law enforcement.

Should she report him to the organizations he volunteers for? I personally think she should. Maybe other people feel that's a grey area and ask a shaila.

As a side point I hate when people make themselves out to be super frum to make the story more intriguing. We really didn't need to hear about all her religious resumes. Obviously she didn't stay that religious for a while if she fell in love with a catholic and a Muslim. Her experience is horrifying without adding the beginning part to make her tale juicier!


If you go to a co-ed secular college (which I'm assuming she did) you run the risk of crushing on your classmates - even if you never date.

that said - the way this was narrated - she does appear to be out of the shidduch world now.
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GreenEyes26









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:37 pm
marina wrote:
I guess my conflicting feelings are about him. Is he a good person with a terrible affliction that society needs to figure out how to address or an evil sick man who should be locked away? I mean he could have so easily not told her. He knew she would leave. He didn’t want to marry her under false pretenses and suffer later. But he is volunteering in that field and obviously not getting help.


I had the exact same thoughts.

In general, regarding men who "suffer from pedophilia", as he so nicely put it in the episode - at what point does their compulsion and need for s-xual fulfillment override their innate goodness? I'm sure this guy was a good person. But what was chilling to me was when he said, "I am committed to not harming any children...but I can't promise anything won't ever happen." What does that mean? At what point do good men cross the line to harming children? They know it's wrong. They know they're hurting someone. Is the compulsion so strong? C'V no one should ever know. But I wonder.

But basically, poor poor Talia. And I think 100% she should have reported this to the Big Brother program, at the very least. The bar mitzvah lessons are trickier, but she should have said something like, "If you don't stop putting yourself in situations with children, I'm telling XYZ...". Something like that. I think love is clouding her thinking a little bit here.
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zaq









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:42 pm
Reality wrote:
She didn't say he watches [filth]. She said foreign films. Is that the same?

Foreign films featuring naked children for the express purpose of s@xual gratification is what she said he said. Although I wasn’t sure if she said foreign—pronounced fawr’n—or p*rn. Either way, whether they’re classified legally as p*rn, he was using them as such.
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causemommysaid









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:43 pm
Ugggg so sad.
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