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OMG plse Help Me Process this shidduchim podcast Nebach
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amother




Lawngreen


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 9:59 pm
Thanks for posting,Marina. I just listened straight through cuz I knew if you suggested it, it would be intriguing Smile. And it was but so so sad. I think a part of him wanted to be honest with her even though he knew she might leave. Maybe that's reflective of his love for her. Good for her that she had the guts to leave and not delude herself into thinking the issue will disappear after marriage.

I do think she should ask a shaila about informing the organizations he works for. As I was taught, Rav Dessler defines emes and sheker differently than we commonly think. He says emes is the right thing to do in a situation and sheker is the wrong thing to do. In this case I believe a Rav would say that emes would be to inform them, despite her agreement not to tell. Fact is he said he cant promise nothing will ever happen....Its like someone saying he has an attraction to setting fires but hasn't done it yet but cant promise he wont...will you lock yourself alone in a building with him?
My heart breaks for Talia and I hope Hashem sends her a true match really soon...
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Fox









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 10:13 pm
marina wrote:
I guess my conflicting feelings are about him. Is he a good person with a terrible affliction that society needs to figure out how to address or an evil sick man who should be locked away? I mean he could have so easily not told her. He knew she would leave. He didn’t want to marry her under false pretenses and suffer later. But he is volunteering in that field and obviously not getting help.


Thumbs Up

ITA. What a mess. And something that liberals and conservatives can agree on, it seems.

I'm gonna go with the idea that we should be willing to help otherwise healthy adults rid themselves of any s-xual attractions, thoughts, or obsessions that they find problematic. But, of course, that means research into how s-xual attraction develops; whether it's nurture, nature, or more likely, a combination; and figuring out what works and doesn't work when it comes to retraining s-xual desires. Good luck getting the funding for all that!

The most disturbing part is the fact that he's volunteering and working in settings that might cause him to act on his interests. I'm not sure what Talia could have done -- and maybe I missed her response because of multi-tasking -- but I would like to think I would have told him that he is seriously playing with fire.

I also worry that the lesson he will learn from all this is simply not to tell the next girl he dates. Obviously that would be worse, though I'm not sure telling her would be better, either.

But just seriously sad from all perspectives. I hope she finds her bashert soon.
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Fox









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 10:24 pm
amother wrote:
Thanks for posting,Marina. I just listened straight through cuz I knew if you suggested it, it would be intriguing Smile.

ITA. Marina and I go at it over politics, but when she curates podcasts, I drop whatever I'm doing and listen.

Marina, you should start a podcast recommendation thread where you post links to whatever has caught your interest lately.
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zaq









  


Post  Wed, Oct 10 2018, 10:39 pm
marina wrote:
and why is he working or volunteering in that field


It is very common for people with certain leanings to go into fields that give them access to the objects of their desire. People are so shocked when someone is caught: But how can that be? he was a (fill in relevant profession). Well, duh, know why robbers rob banks? Cause that’s where the money is. Know why people like this work in the relevant field? Cause that’s where the potential targets are.

Which does make one wonder how sincere this guy is about resisting. Does a recovering alcoholic work as a bartender? Not if he wants to stay “recovering”, he doesn’t. Was he totally honest with Talia about how far he went or didn’t go? Only he knows. On the one hand one has to feel sorry for anyone cursed with such feelings, it must be no kind of life, but if he honestly doesn’t want to act on them why is he walking right into the path of temptation?

There are some people who absolutely should not get married, ever, and this young man is one. Maybe he was hoping that the love of a good woman would cure him, but it doesn’t work that way.

Thank G-d Talia was intelligent enough to realize there was no future for her with this guy, and she was not so desperate to marry that she went ahead with it anyway. He never proposed but I suspect that if she had told him it was ok, she would help him, they could make a go of it as long as they love each other, he probably would have.

He gets credit for confessing before, not after or not at all, and giving Talia a chance to escape, but he did burden her with a terrible ethical dilemma. Let’s hope Talia finds her bashert before long.

BTW this is why I don’t push shidduchim on
people who refuse to be set up. For all I know they may be harboring a painful secret and doing everyone a favor by not dating.

On a humorous note, I was thinking exactly what Nora said: if that had been yours truly in Talia’s high heeled boots, I would have shot back “You can’t break up with me because I’m breaking up with you!” Or not. That’s what you say when you’re furious, not when you’re just plain heartbroken.
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marina









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 12:05 am
Fox wrote:


I also worry that the lesson he will learn from all this is simply not to tell the next girl he dates. Obviously that would be worse, though I'm not sure telling her would be better, either.

But just seriously sad from all perspectives. I hope she finds her bashert soon.


yes I was thinking about this tonight: he is just going to marry someone else and just not tell her next time! How can this be avoided?

What if it is just a brain chemistry glitch? I once heard a podcast about a total normal guy who had brain surgery and ended up with Kluver Bucy syndrome which is a condition that causes hyper s-xuality and the guy - was totally normal beforehand- was arrested for child p0rn within a year. At his trial every single neurologist that treated him testified that it wasn’t his fault, it was this condition that resulted from the surgery.

What if all our s-xual interests and desires are just brain chemicals and some of them work well and in other people they are all haywire.

And what about her? does she feel weird that she was in love with a pedophile? Would she had stayed with him if she found out after marriage?
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marina









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 12:07 am
also why does this site now change p0rn to [filth]? Why is filth better?
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marina









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 12:09 am
Fox wrote:
ITA. Marina and I go at it over politics, but when she curates podcasts, I drop whatever I'm doing and listen.

Marina, you should start a podcast recommendation thread where you post links to whatever has caught your interest lately.


Thanks! Smile
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WhatFor









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 1:38 am
zaq wrote:


Which does make one wonder how sincere this guy is about resisting. Does a recovering alcoholic work as a bartender? Not if he wants to stay “recovering”, he doesn’t. Was he totally honest with Talia about how far he went or didn’t go? Only he knows. On the one hand one has to feel sorry for anyone cursed with such feelings, it must be no kind of life, but if he honestly doesn’t want to act on them why is he walking right into the path of temptation?

There are some people who absolutely should not get married, ever, and this young man is one. Maybe he was hoping that the love of a good woman would cure him, but it doesn’t work that way.



The bolded exactly. Call me a cynic but I don't trust his intentions in telling her. And I totally feel for someone who has such awful desires and does everything they can to fight them. But he wasn't doing all he could. He was actively endangering children for a volunteer job. It's not even like he needed that job to support himself. That's indicator number 1 that he had no intention of not acting.

Indicator 2: he told her he can't promise he won't.

I suspect he might have not been telling her the whole story and as he felt they were getting close, he wanted to see if she could be someone who he could either confide in about what he was doing or someone who would enable him and support him in it.

I think he was careful in what he told her, to see how she would respond before letting on more. So for example, he says he gets off watching "foreign films of naked children" when the only films I can think of that would show 7-12 year old boys fully naked are probably children who are being exploited.

That's why when she expressed that she couldn't support it, he ended things with her before she could even finish, because he's not interested in someone who would support him in getting help; he wants someone who will support him in pedophilia.

I wish she would go to his local law enforcement and tell them that he basically admitted to watching child p0rn, and that they should track his computer. That way at least he'd go on the zex offender registry and not be allowed to work around children.
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 2:52 am
I think this story is pathetic. She's probably also afraid of him if she reports him even if its the right thing to do. She is totally torn & it reflects on her spirits at the end, where she clearly seems totally depressed, shattered, her life totally sucked out of her. It seems like she feels hopeless of ever finding her bashert & doesn't seem like to even have the strength to pick up & continue dating after this story, where she can trust no one anymore. Feel bad for her......Hope she finds solace, peace & suitable partner!
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imasoftov









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 4:46 am
"it translates roughly to ... loser"
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imasoftov









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 4:53 am

Picture resized
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imasoftov









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 5:07 am
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imasoftov









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 5:10 am
"crushed on the trifecta of Abrahamic religions"
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imasoftov









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 5:20 am
OK, I've got to the problem. No funny pictures, not even the obvious one.
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imasoftov









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 5:36 am

Picture resized
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imasinger









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 5:42 am
imasoftov wrote:

Picture resized


Perfect!
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marina









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 9:20 am
Also I thought the podcast host did a nice job of making the religious piece look normal and cute. She could have made the whole thing bizarre and weird.
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Raisin









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 12:07 pm
So sad. I feel so bad for Talia, and for this guy. What an awful thing to live with.

Interesting article about pedophiles here. http://theconversation.com/can.....rugs-59216

From the article: Paedophiles are s-xually attracted to children but they may, or may not, act on their urges. In fact, my experience indicates that most of the people who abuse children are not paedophiles. Research by Alanko and colleagues, looking at the question of whether paedophilia was inherited, showed that approximately 5% of men in the study with paedophilia had offended against children. In fact, people who offend against children, in my experience, are (mostly) men who are obsessed with relations and are looking for a s-xual outlet, regardless of the age of the victim.

So it seems entirely possible that Talia's ex will live without ever harming children. But watching po-rn can also be harmful to children, depending on how the videos/pictures are made. Are these videos he is watching legal? Is it legal to film naked children?
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justcallmeima









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 8:10 pm
This guy may be witty, and charming, but he is deceptive and conniving too. He "suffers" from pedophelia? Then why isn't he getting help to alleviate his suffering? Listen, I am addicted to food. So I shouldn't go to restaurants that have an all you can eat buffet, but if I do, and I overeat, it's not against the law, and I will not traumatize the wait staff for the rest of their lives. He is specifically attracted to 7 - 12 y.o. boys. And, oh? Guess what? His little brother is 11, and he teaches 12 y.o. boys. Just a coincidence I'm sure. He watches child p0rnography multiple times per week. He is not doing ANYTHING to try to work on his issue. I DO have rachmonus on the guy, but he's not making an effort.
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crust









  


Post  Thu, Oct 11 2018, 11:50 pm
I think in a certain sense she is too naive and forgiving.

Marina, do we lock them up? I don't know but lets change the phrase 'attraction to pedopholia' to 'attraction to killingphilia'.

What would be if he would say he is attracted to killing 7-12 year old boys?

He never killed anyone. He is just attracted to it. He dreams about it all day. Oh and he works with them.

Hashem Yishmor.
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