Attached parenting/sending out child for first time

amother

Ruby

Fri, Oct 12 2018, 10:56 am

disclaimer: If you are going to point out the flaws in my parenting style and suggest I change it, move on. This is what works for me and my family. For me, the pros outweigh the cons by a mile. I'd like suggestions that fit with my parenting philosophy.

I have a attached parenting style. I focus on listening to child's needs, whether stated or just a facial expression. I focus on emotional processing, even with a small baby. Either I or my husband is with my children at all hours, except school. In many ways I treat my babies as thinking, complex adults. Even their school fits with my model of parenting, it is a montessori school. I have three kids and generally send them out for the first time when they are ready for school. My oldest had delays so he started at 5, middle started at 3, and my youngest I also want to send out at 3. My older two adjusted to school easily and wanted to go out and have friends and enjoyed learning. My youngest is having a much harder time. He has never had a babysitter in his life (my older two did occasionally have babysitters). He likes being the baby. He has no interest in potty training. He wants to be held and have play time with mommy making eye contact and lying on the floor with him. And I really try to do this with him as much as I can. But I want to go back to college and need him to go to school. I have tried taking him a few times and staying in the room, and he hides on my shoulder and will not engage with the teacher or children. I do not believe in leaving him crying, or even scared looking. I am looking for suggestions to desensitize him to the idea of school and build up his confidence so he wants to go. I do not want to leave him crying (or even scared).

bestme

Fri, Oct 12 2018, 11:13 am

I took my daughter to school for the first with the plan that I will go for two hours a day with her and join the program. I colored with the kids, did the exercises with the kids, ate with the kids, sat with the kids during lesson time, and did what all the kids did for these 2 hours every day. I did not push my daughter to do anything. After one day she wanted to sit near me and do all the activities. She also made sure that I did all the activities correctly. For example during music and movment time she made sure to stand near me and do the motions. She was then critical that I did not jump hight enough and so I made sure to jump as high as she wanted. After 2 weeks of sitting in the class and doing all preschool activities, she told me during dismissal that she wants to go on the bus with all the children. I told her that I can't go on the bus but if she really wants to then maybe she will be allowed to go on the bus by herself. After a few days of her asking to go on the bus, I stopped talking her to school and she happily went on the bus to school.

animeme

Fri, Oct 12 2018, 11:16 am

This type of behavior is not atypical for youngest. I don't raise my kids exactly as you describe, but my youngest is extra attached to me, as are those of many of my friends.

How much time has he spent around other kids, with you there? Have you taken him to Mommy and Me's, or had a group of kids at the house, or taken him to play at other kids houses while you are there? He may need more exposure to other kids and to busier situations in general. And if possible, maybe orchestrate some time in the classroom with one or two kids only.

Some schools will let you sit in the back of the room all morning, or just outside. There are mothers who will do this for weeks, and eventually the child acclimates and separates. For others, it doesn't work.

Is there a transitional object in play?

keym

Fri, Oct 12 2018, 11:21 am

I wonder if it could be helpful to introduce babysitters and/or play dates.
Babysitters in your own house with your older children there to make him more comfortable.
Play dates (especially with children who will be in his class) starting in your house while you're there and possibly expanding to the other child's house eventually building up to you leaving for an hour.
When I sent my children to preschool, it was always so helpful when they had a friend in the class already.

mha3484

Fri, Oct 12 2018, 11:38 am

He may need a different environment then your older kids. My oldest did great in a more structured type environment for his first school experience my middle needed something totally different. He had a great year with a less structured more bubby like teacher. She would sit on the floor, kiss them call them sweetie pie. Not all kids do well in the same schools.

amother

Silver

Fri, Oct 12 2018, 11:47 am

It sounds like your choices are to keep your child home a while longer, allow him to experience some separation discomfort, or possibly try a different school or day care environment.

I also hold by attachment parenting and Montessori education, so what I am about to say next is offered in that context and from a friendly perspective. It is not unusual for babies and very young children to be upset by Mommy leaving - but immediately cheer up as soon as she is gone and the child has a chance to settle. Transitions are the difficult part, not necessarily being in school without Mommy. And Mommy staying in the classroom, for some children, just makes it worse. If your son is still experiencing difficulty with transitions and you are not willing to leave him with any distress, even momentarily, wait until next year for school. An in-home babysitter might be a better choice if you require day care.

What do you think about asking your child whether or not he feels ready for school? Ask him whether or not it would make it better for you to go with him for the first few days. We found that seeing a video about starting school and other cultural exposure from books helped our child know what to expect. We previously attended many mommy-and-me type activities, so my child was familiar with the concept of going somewhere at a specific time and following a routine with a different adult in charge. And we knew it was time for school when my child demonsrated some signs of being ready to separate from Mommy at home. Also, our first year of school was only three mornings a week, not full time.

amother

Bisque

Fri, Oct 12 2018, 12:05 pm

bestme wrote:

I have the same exact parenting style as the op and when my youngest wasn’t happy to go to school I did exactly like the poster I quoted above. I stayed in the classroom for a few weeks. I would tell ds that I was going to the bathroom and coming right back. Then I would go home to get something and come right back. Leaving for increasing amounts of time and coming back. Also just giving the child a chance to attach to the teachers while in the comfort of my presence.
Bh it worked nicely.
When I finally started leaving him right away in the morning And he would cry for 2 mins and be fine I spoke to him about it. That it’s ok to be sad that mommy is going but playing takes away the sad and the sad will go away and then he will be happy. He understood it. And he would even say to me I’m going to cry for 2 mins and then I’ll go play.

He doesn’t cry anymore at all by now.

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Oct 12 2018, 5:25 pm

This is our school policy:

Day one: mommy stays with the child for 30 minutes to 2 hours. And takes child home
Day two: mommy brings child to school and leaves right away and child goes on bus the way home.

Day two for helicopter mommies: brings child to school and picks up child after lunch. Mommy can call me at 10 am to see if kid is still screaming.

Day three: child goes on bus am and pm and mommy calls me 10 am and if she's a helicopter mommy she calls me after 12:30 again.

My theory is, if you show your child you're anxious the kid will act the same. Don't be dumb and say דיין בויך טוט וויי? (Does your tummy hurt?)
Of course the kid will say my stomach hurts! because you spoon fed to your kid an excuse that he knows he can use it to stay home. Sending a picture of Totty and Mommy in the kids briefcase and tell them every time you miss me, you can look at the picture. Or you can send along with them with a little something, a little shmatta blanket or teddy bear that they can hold by nap time.
And do a favor to mankind if you ever drop off your kid instead of using the AM
bus please don't stay there! You are making your kid homesick. I have it especially with fathers כרחם אב על בנים. Then they tell me, you know my kid screams every time I drop her off.
I know all mothers think that their kid is still screaming from 8:45 am from when they are on the bus till 10:45 . At one point I had a mom call me 5 times a day that five years later I know her number by heart.
From now on I take $150 per phone call. What am I your therapist?

Rachel Shira

Fri, Oct 12 2018, 5:51 pm

amother wrote:

I hope you treat the parents with more compassion than this post is getting across. It’s hard for parents to drop off their children at school for the first time and normal that they need reassurance that they’re okay.

sirel

Sat, Oct 13 2018, 2:27 pm

amother wrote:

I hope to g-d you are not one of my kids' teachers.

oliveoil

Sat, Oct 13 2018, 7:36 pm

amother wrote:

You sound quite horrible. Why exactly are you in this field?

amother

Jetblack

Sat, Oct 13 2018, 7:48 pm

Did I say I was the teacher? I am the director. I have to deal with rowdy parents, not kids. I love my students. Every year I have one meshugana mom that drives me to drink and calls me for nitty gritty things and wants to know if their kid is still crying from two hours ago? Or why did you put the crocs with the towel? Or can you tell the bus driver to come to my block again because my kid was sleeping. Are people ill? What is this attitude? Give me a finger, I want a hand. I am venting....
Why exactly am I horrible?

amother

Bisque

Sat, Oct 13 2018, 8:02 pm

You sound like the director that convinced me to give her my child and she will bring him into the class for me. That saying good bye or staying a few minutes is prolonging the agony.
And stupidly I listened to her and my child was terrified and screamed for 3 hours until she finally called me and said she thinks I should come get my kid.

Thank you very much. I never should have listened to her.
I did my “helicopter parenting” method with gradual gentle separation methods and after taking extra time for getting over the trauma of that day my child detached perfectly fine and doesn’t cry at all anymore.

It would have gone quicker if not for her stupid advice. Parents know their own kids way better than a stranger no matter how many years of experience you have.
I know my kid. I didn’t make him anxious. I made him much less anxious than his nature might have been with my gentle methods.
Each of my kids is different.

Rachel Shira

Sat, Oct 13 2018, 8:13 pm

amother wrote:

Frankly, your attitude seems horrendous for someone in the chinuch field. I expect both teachers and principals to be sincerely kind, warm, and accommodating. I really hope your parent body (and teachers and students) don’t get any of this snark. It’s not PR to be nice, it’s basic mentschlichkeit.

OP, sorry your thread got a bit sidetracked here.

amother

Copper

Sat, Oct 13 2018, 9:25 pm

Skipping over that little aside there... This topic thread gave me the warm fuzzies. Smile

My eldest started playgroup this year (he's only 2.5, but already demands friends and structure.). During the transition, he was fine; I was a mess. I had huge difficulty letting my kid go, worrying over pitfalls he'd encounter etc.

Reading all the kind and thoughtful advice here eased my heart. I'm glad that OP has such a reasonable community to turn to, and I'm really glad she posted this topic. Kudos!

crust

Sat, Oct 13 2018, 10:58 pm

amother wrote:

There are so many positions in the corporate world.

amother

Violet

Sat, Oct 13 2018, 11:18 pm

amother wrote:

You sound like a smart well educated women. While I am a nervous type of mother and constantly am in touch with teachers, you raise many valid points about parents over-doing it. Well said.