Fed up with my 8 year old

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 12:09 am

I'm so fed up with my 8 year old who thinks the world revolves around her. I do so much for her and she is such a selfish ingrate. I'm sick and tired of it and just want to be a mean mother now. Can you help me before I do too much damage? I'm so hurt by her and know that when she walks into my room in the morning, I don't even want to look at her.

Cheiny

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 12:14 am

amother wrote:

I’m taken aback by the harshness of your words. I’d say you should immediately get into therapy to explore the source of these terribly negative feelings you have towards your own child. Frustration is normal at times, but I’m not hearing any kind of love or affection at all behind your words. She’s eight. Whatever she’s done or however she’s acting, you must remember she’s a young child and not completely responsible for her actions yet. Please seek help to deal with your feelings.

Cheiny

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 12:50 am

amother wrote:

There is so much endless giving on my part, so much love given, and doing so much for her and then to get back so much chutzpah, lack of care for anyone but herself is really hard to take.

Yes, every mother does and does and gives and gives to their children. That’s what being a parent is. I’m wondering if some of her chutzpah might be a result of your having transmitted (albeit silently) your negative feelings towards her. Kids are very astute and can pick up the feelings and vibes you send out.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 1:15 am

amother wrote:

the world does revolve around 8 year olds. Gratitude is taught. Expect more in return for 'doing so much for her'. Pull back if you don't get it.

Oh and keep your door closed. Meet her in her bedroom in the morning.

Metukah

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 2:47 am

Cheiny wrote:

And you are not being helpful AT ALL!

OP evidently loves her daughter, otherwise dd's behaviour and ops feelings wouldn't disturb her so much. She also wouldn't be coming on here for help.

OP it's not easy. We live our children and sometimes we feel that they are punching us in our face. My 7 year old is sometimes really difficult. Whatever I do for her isn't good enough and she often makes it clear that she doesn't love me (I know that's not true).

More than you needing help op, DD does. Maybe consider something like play therapy for her.

Rappel

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 3:40 am

Hugs, OP!

It sounds like you're worn out, and frustrated that your loving efforts are not met with the recognition they deserve.

I haven't a clue how to teach gratitude (my oldest is 2.5), but I once received a lesson from a fairly wise teacher which changed the way I help people:

She was teaching a section of Ethics of the Fathers:
"?אם אין אני לי, מי לי? וכשאני לעצמי, מה אני?"
"If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And when I am for my own self, then what am I?"

The second part of proverb is clear: our ultimate purpose is to help others. But if we don't first give to ourselves, then we have nothing to give to others. The first half of the proverb emphasises that we must first take care of ourselves. Only then will we have the strength to take care of others.

Is it possible that you are overextending yourself for your daughter? Giving to her at the cost of your own wellbeing, such that you resent her as the representative of all your stress and fatigue? If that's the case, I'd suggest making an effort to give yourself care (whatever that entails - a nice bath, a good book, a brisk walk in the park, coffee with a friend, a new dress, quiet time in the morning etc.) until you feel ready and willing to give to others again.

Your daughter may be shocked at first by the change, but in the end, she'll respect you for your choices and self-discipline. She'll enjoy the attentions of her happier mother, and you'll be modelling good self-care which she can mimic when she becomes a mother.

amother

Black

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 9:40 am

My 9 yr old daughter is really really difficult and kind of only sees her point of view to the extreme. I think I know what you mean and the level of frustration you feel.

Is there a responsibility involving her that you can hand off to your husband or an older sibling? Like maybe doing homework or something like that. I have struggled like crazy with bedtime with this child, and just recently only my husband tucks her into bed. I found that I wasn't able to let go of all the negativity and I would be so stressed out and upset when I tucked her in that it wasn't pleasant bedtime at all. So now, I'll direct her to shower and brush teeth and do all the tasks. But he puts her into bed and says shema. Then after, I go in to kiss her briefly and tell her I'll check on her when she's sleeping b4 I go into bed. Its not ideal. I'd love to have a yummy shcmoozy bedtime but at the end of the day I can't handle it without arguing. But right now its what needs to happen. The lesser of 2 evils I guess.

I hope you can find some way to give yourself a break. Its really hard.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:27 am

amother wrote:

Op you must go and evaluate your child so you can help her.
It saved my life with my son.

Thank you so much to all the kind responses. I've already had her evaluated and she does have ADHD. It could be that I'm going through a rough time being in my third trimester of pregnancy and I'm just falling apart. But my husband is also appalled by the way she acts.
It's very disheartening when you just give and give and give, and stand on your tired feet to give her what she wants and then she is so chutspadik and mean when something/anything doesn't go her way.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:33 am

amother wrote:

Bedtime is a very rough time of day when I know she needs her sleep very badly, but she resists it so much. I got so triggered when I told her she could stay awake in her room and read/color/play and then go to sleep an hour later than her younger siblings. But then when the hour is up, she ignores me when I tell her to turn the lights off, and stop talking and go to sleep, and that's when she acts and responds so harshly.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:35 am

amother wrote:

Is she an only child? Is she being spoiled & given into always & never hearing a no? You can play deaf until she talks nicely or have her go into her room to calm down & she can come out when she's ok. Hugs to you!

She is not an only child but because of her challenges with ADHD she gets a lot of support (music therapy, dance class, glick, OT, etc.) And she feels like we owe her the world.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:42 am

amother wrote:

ADHD kids are exhausting. No doubt about it. All 8 year olds are pretty self centered though. It's part of the maturation process. They need to be taught to look beyond themselves, because it doesn't come naturally to anyone. They are not bad kids, they are just kids going through growing pains.

I'm willing to bet that there are times when DD is sweet and loving, and that makes things more confusing. "Why can't she be like that all the time? I know she's capable of it!" Well, you're not always in the same mood all day, are you?

If you have time, it would be worth it to look into parenting classes on dealing with ADHD kids, or kids that are demanding and challenging. I took a class to deal with my daughter's anxiety, and it helped a lot. I thought I was doing a great job, but it turned out that I was doing everything wrong and reinforcing her fears!

If you have any friends with challenging kids, pick their brains. It helps to know that you're not alone, and they may have some coping skills that will help.

Pre-natal depression is also a possibility. Please ask your doctor about it, and see if there is anything that will help.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:45 am

Rappel wrote:

Thank you for taking the time to inspire me. You're right, self care is very important and I'm working on it. I think what's the most draining is the amount of money we spend on her, driving her around town, really just trying so hard to help her be successful and the response is so negative.

Mon, Oct 15 2018, 10:58 am

amother wrote:

She is not an only child but because of her challenges with ADHD she gets a lot of support (music therapy, dance class, glick, OT, etc.) And she feels like we owe her the world.

I'm sorry to hear how much you give her and don't want to disappoint you. There's also such a thing as giving too much. Does she give? Maybe that's what she needs to learn. That the WORLD doesn't belong to her? She needs to GIVE in order to deserve something.