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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Neighbor Offering to learn w my son?



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amother
Blue


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 3:28 pm
Recently, a neighbor of mine who is a Rebbe in a yeshiva offered to learn with my son after school.

My son is not in yeshiva yet (he is in 8th grade) and has nothing to do with this neighbor.

We were very taken aback & insulted, as it seemed to imply dh is not capable of learning with our son. But then I realized, Dh and I did not grow up yeshivish, and we had never heard of such a thing.
(Dh learned w his father, grandfather or chavrusa growing up.)
Perhaps in the more yeshivish areas this is common and not meant to be an insult?

Can anyone offer insight if this is usual or not?
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 3:30 pm
כבדהו וחשדהו
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amother
Blue


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 3:34 pm
We declined politely, no worries.
I do see him talking regularly with boys, but I assume they're his talmidim.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 3:56 pm
He could just be a very well-meaning individual.

Many boys do not necessarily learn with their own fathers, for a variety of reasons. There are also boys who do learn with their own fathers but learn with a private Rebbe as well.

My husband learns with boys - some of whom need tutoring, and some who are exceptionally bright and want to learn more than their Yeshiva program. He also tutors boys whose fathers are too busy to learn with them (for example, son of a Yeshiva principal.)

He also learns with a boy who hasn't been in yeshiva for over a year, for various reasons. He just feels bad for the boy, who is basically sitting around all day, and makes some time to learn with him (free of charge.)

No reason to feel insulted OP.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 4:01 pm
I don't think its insulting and may even be nice but in this day and age unfortunately like you I would not take him up on it
if you were looking for someone you would look on your own
he offered, while there may be excellent healthy reasons for it I wouldn't do it

sad state of things
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 4:24 pm
He’s probably looking to make some money on the side, and offered to learn with your son if you need it.
Nothing offensive.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 4:25 pm
It’s a nice gesture. Many kids learn better with someone else than with their own father.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 4:34 pm
My DSs ninth grade rebbe took upon himself to learn with my son, even during bein hazmanim. He offered learning with my son, because he saw the potential in him and knew that my DS is the type of kid that likes individual attention. He learned with him for a few years and did it totally out of the goodness of his soul. People jump to conclusions and think that rebbes that make such offers have "ulterior motives". It's sad that we can't accept the fact that there are still genuinely good, healthy, kindhearted people out there.
This rebbes wife served my DS breakfast in her home , my DS and this rebbe learned together and then the rebbe drove my son to yeshiva on a daily basis.
If there was a day that my DS didn't show up to his house , he called our house and learned with my DS over the phone. I'm extremely grateful and so is my DS.
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OBnursemom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 4:41 pm
I’m trying to figure out what would be wrong with this. I would be overjoyed in a neighbor who is a Rebbe offered to learn with my sons.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 5:44 pm
And this is why I asked, because I genuinely had no idea if such things are common or not.

I don't think he has nefarious intentions ch"v.
We just never heard of it and were taken aback.
I'm glad to hear ppl do make such offers and he did not mean to be insulting.

We declined because my ds did not want to after his already extremely long day.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 5:47 pm
Does this man give you creepy vibes? Trust your instincts.

If he doesn't, and you're still paranoid, then ask if he can tutor you son in your home, at the dining room table. An honest person wouldn't have a problem with that.

You can always say "Right now DS is learning really well with his father. I appreciate your offer though, that's very kind. If DS needs additional help in the future, would it be OK if we kept you in mind?"

DD hates learning anything with me, but she will learn literally anything with anyone else. No idea why, it's just the way her brain works. I think her internal voice is telling her that she can't disappoint me, so it doesn't feel safe to try. With other people she's not so hard on herself.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 6:13 pm
glad it was a good reality check
good for you for checking it out and reaching out
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amother
Blue


 

Post Mon, Oct 15 2018, 7:02 pm
Ff, no no creepy vibe.
He is very respectful and seems nice (though we do not talk ever. Just nod hello.)
It was more of a wondering if this is usual or does my neighbor think dh is incapable for some reason.
So like I said, I'm happy to learn that's not the case. Smile
It's a learning curve to live in a place different from how one grew up.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2018, 12:36 am
I'm sure the Rebbi didn't mean to insult you.
What probably bothers you the most, is that your son is not a Yeshiva yet and the Rebbi knows about it. I have cousins who went through it. My cousin, a ninth grader didn't have a school till after sukkos because of politics. Her father reported a sx abuse story to the police kind of politics. A disgusting neighbor went over to her seven year old sister and asked the sister, which school is your 9th grade sister in? People can't imagine the pain and hurt this women caused. The 9th grader got into a Bais Yakov and is Baruch Hashem married with kids.
Rejection hurts.
My family has seen it all.
The Rebbi probably means well.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2018, 1:10 am
No you misunderstood totally.
Ds is still in elementary school, he is bh doing very well there
. And we dont anticipate having any issues getting him into yeshiva at the right time (we are not living in lakewood.)
So this has nothing to do w ds being hime or rejected or needing anyone to learn with him.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2018, 1:12 am
It’s not unusual. The rav of our shul taught some shiurim at DS’s school. He then told DH that he thought DS should have more advanced learning one on one, and offered to do it and recommended some others who may do it.

DH is perfectly able - our rav knows this. But also knows that having chevruta with a person besides DH is valuable. So it’s not insulting or too unusual.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2018, 6:02 am
That's basically how my husband learned for his bar mitsva, iirc. That man was a rabbi. His father had learned and could learn but not all fathers have time, motivation, ability to give it off well. What's insulting?
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2018, 6:34 am
hmmm....weird...with all the stories I hear about these things I would be very wary of a man offering to learn with my son.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2018, 8:00 am
For me that would be odd and a red flag, but I am not yeshivish, so.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 16 2018, 8:01 am
I wouldn't even think unless he's a creep or something
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