Not a great father

amother

Ecru

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 10:06 pm

In so many threads people write their husbands are great fathers.
My husband is not. I have to prompt him to listen to the kids who are addressing him or ask them about their day. He doesn't know how to deal with them and yells at them when he gets frustrated. If he's 'babysitting' them he won't put them to bed on time or think of feeding them. He never reads them books or plays games with them....
I feel bad for them. How can I change the situation?

Queen6

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 10:17 pm

Your husbands are regular fathers. Those other guys are great but most men are not like that. Your kids will be totally fine. However if you focus on his shortcomings and make them clear to your kids then they will lose out. I assume he has many special qualities even if he’s not a major daddy kind of guy.
In life in general stop comparing.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 10:33 pm

My DH is pretty much the same as OP's. Yet every once in a while, he does play with them. And often times its not the sheltered type of safe playing I would condone but somewhat dangerous type. Like pushing the swing way, way too high. Meanwhile my kids is laughing hysterically. Or throwing them way up in the air in the swimming pool to land far away and make a big, huge splash. Or letting one of my kids take the wheel while driving in a vacant parking lot. But the kid is 7. Most of the time, my DH is "too busy", irritable, or yelling because he can't think in the chaos. This is the norm. the kids remember the times my DH would play with them. And I too have to remind him to listen to what his DC wants to tell him. He/she is only going to be this age once. "Savor the moment that your child wants to share something with YOU." "Please read to him. He loves it so much when you do". Yeah, probably close to normal for many fathers.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Oct 16 2018, 10:37 pm

Queen6 wrote:

Disagree. Her kids might be fine, but it does not one a favor to describe “regular fathers” as guys who won’t listen to their kids or ever play with them.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 1:13 am

Queen6 wrote:

Why do people perpetuate such myths? There are many many many many many many great fathers out there. And no, not MOST men are "like that".

DVOM

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 6:18 am

Queen6 wrote:

I disagree. Most men ignore their kids and can't be bothered to relate to them, ever? No. Not the men I know.

The men I know are making great effort to truly know their kids. They may not always be going about it in the way their wives would, but they're trying. Most of them are succeeding.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 6:31 am

amother wrote:

DH would babysit if I had to go out but would never tuck a child to bed. It disturbed school performance for next 2 days. How regular is that? No good.

Your husband doesnt put his own kids to bed? Ever? Sad

Also, it is not babysitting when a husband watches their children. It is called parenting. Full stop.

imasinger

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 6:56 am

The best way I know to help a spouse improve in parenting skills is to make a habit of 3 things.

1). Ask him to choose a 10 minute daily activity to do with the child. Anything from 10 minutes of playtime before bed to supervising bath.

2) Cheerfully remind him of it.

3) Praise him as soon as feasible, telling him he's great at some aspect of it.

Once that piece is down, you can build on it by turning to him for advice, at first as a dry run, where you don't need it. You can shape the conversation so that he advises you to do what you wanted anyway. Thank him for his insight and good parenting thoughts.

Over time, his confidence is likely to increase, and he'll be more connected. But it may take time to build him, bit by bit. Keep asking small activities, keep praising.

amother

Peach

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 7:17 am

If you were raised by a detached parent, you're likely to become one yourself. It's hard to know how to be a good father if you didn't have a good father. But it is behavior that can be corrected, if your dh is willing.

amother

Orange

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 8:47 am

Also chiming in to say no, most men are NOT like this. Most men are maybe not the type to get down on the floor and play or do crafts or whatever, but most father's interact with their kids and bond in their own way. And it's not some newfangled modern concept either. My father played ball with us. He played board games with us. Took us to ball games and movies. He was the one who taught us how to cook because he's a much better cook than my mother. And my grandfathers were also very involved fathers. No, they didn't change diapers, because men didn't do that in those days, but they read to their kids, played ball with them, talked to them about school, etc. And of course it is generally the father who takes the kids to shul, learns with them etc. The gemara obligates the father to be mechanech his children, so Judaism clearly has an expectation that the father be heavily involved with the children.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 10:36 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Your husband doesnt put his own kids to bed? Ever? Sad

Also, it is not babysitting when a husband watches their children. It is called parenting. Full stop.

Technically. Except when he treats it like babysitting and can't wait for you to get back and takeover. And no, he can't do bedtime without me. I usually do it without him.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 10:41 am

amother wrote:

Interesting, DH's parents are super involved and attached. He has great role models.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 10:42 am

imasinger wrote:

Thank you Imasinger for your usual - solid advise!

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 11:03 am

this thread is reminding me of something funny that I have to share. My DH is amaaazing with my kids bh. He wouldnt sit and play with them on the floor but entertains in different ways. One day I asked him to give the kids baths I dont recall why I couldnt do bath time. He was shell shocked and was like I have no idea, cant sit on the floor like you....I told him back that he figured out how to care for the kids in every way he surely could do bath time as well (for the second time only!!!) I gave him step by step directions. lo and behold they came out clean and alive! I always tell him just because you havent done it before doesnt mean you cant do it!

ShishKabob

Wed, Oct 17 2018, 11:07 am

I once heard great advice and it really helped me refocus.
Your dh is the best father that Hashem chose for these children. Otherwise, they would have a different father. The way he deals and interacts with them is coming from a place of love within him.
Constantly thinking that he is not a good father is not a good way to get him to become a better one.
I love the "I" way of speaking. Smile

Can you ask him: I would love if you can play with so and so for 10 minutes helping him build his lego. If he doesn't have patience for that, maybe they can do something else together like polish his shoes or whatever. The activity they do doesn't matter, they will interact together naturally. If he feels like your hogging over him or he feels censored it won't happen, it doesn't matter what they do or what they don't do together.
Remember, being a good father does not mean reading to them. Of course listening is very important. Maybe he is listening in his way and not in your way? Maybe he doesn't make noises to acknowledge what they're saying like 'uh huh' or whatever, but he's listening nonetheless.
I don't mean to bash you, I'm trying to give you a different perspective.