Are sleep overs safe?

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:44 pm

Is it really safe to send your daughter overnight to a friend whos parents you don't know well? With all that go on behind closed doors, would you deny a sleepover?

What would make you feel comfortable enough to send her over? How long/well you know the parents? Just knowing the child? Having a reference?

Or do you have no problem and just need to know where they are going to spend the night?

Please explain. I'm trying to understand someone elses view

tachles

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:55 pm

I wouldn’t send, big deal so they dont have sleepovers , not a huge loss imho
If I knew the family including parents and other siblings for years and there were no older siblings and I had this intuition like they’re safe I might,
But that’s an unlikely event ; people like that are more likely more family then friends to me and those are few. None of those families have children in my children’s classes, to put it in perspective.
It’s tough enough to educate kids to react and protect themselves correctly when they’re awake,
Sleeping is a very vulnerable situation to in if c’v someone wants to abuse.

Miri7

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 7:59 pm

I send DD for sleepovers, mostly I know the families very well. There are a couple of houses I don't send her to because I don't trust the parents to supervise like I do, but the girl comes to our house.

I also send DD with a cell phone - she has one most of the time she is not in the house.

And we have a secret code, so if she is ever uncomfortable or in a bad situation and wants to get out, she can text me "X" and I will come pick her up immediately - and give her a cover story with her friend, acting like there is some big family emergency.

pizza4

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 8:00 pm

I don't think I would send just for fun, but it depends on so many things. How well you know the family, if you're comfortable with the way they run their home, their ages, friends family's ages, and making sure you know who will be watching, like a babysitter etc.
Even with everything right we are never 100% safe. So yes check out what you need to, maybe meet with the mother beforehand, but mainly remember to daven that it should work out well.

Last edited by pizza4 on Thu, Oct 18 2018, 8:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

asmileaday

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 8:01 pm

Unfortunately the world is not a safe place today. With girls it's probably harder to say no but I'm a mother of boys and am wary of sleepovers. That's not to say I never allow sleepovers, but I try to limit to when absolutely necessary and only send where I'm 100% comfortable.
I gladly have sleepovers in my home any time it's requested.

SuperWify

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 8:02 pm

Miri7 wrote:

I love the secret code idea!

And in general, I agree. If you know the family and your child has a phone and is old enough to understand don’t be the only helicopter parent.

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 8:10 pm

Our policy is that we dont allow our girls to sleep over at friends but I do allow girls to come to us. I only allow girls that I know to sleep over by us. My parents had the same policy with us growing up.

thunderstorm

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 9:01 pm

As someone who has gone to countless sleepovers between age six and eighteen, I have never experienced anything remotely bad in anyone's home.
I don't think that there is a difference between then and today. Molestation always existed, dysfunctional families always existed etc.
I would have to see what my DH says , but I'd be comfortable to send to another classmates home, regardless if I knew the mother well or not and if my daughter was at least 10.

Ruchi

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 9:11 pm

amother wrote:

Can you be guaranteed that the man of the house or anyone else that might be in that house, is not a molestor?

amother

Jade

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 9:22 pm

If I wouldn't let my daughter go on sleepovers - then I wouldn't permit them at my house either - unless I had a concern that was grounded.

I learned a lot from sleep-overs growing up. Its nice to see how other families operate.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 9:29 pm

My daughters school had advised mothers at a meeting that they do not recommend sleepovers.

My daughter was going through an exceptionally hard period and I thought it would do her the world of good to host one (this was at age 14)
I can't go into detail why in particular it was a sleep over that would be beneficial (as opposed to any other ideas)

I discussed the matter with the Principal, who was aware of what my daughter was going through and she said that if the schools affiliated Rebetzen would allow it then she has no problem for me to host the sleep over ( a condition was attached that it had to be kept a secret from the rest of the classmates)

I phoned the Rebetzen and this is what she told me: "if you only would know what horror stories I am privy to, that have happened at sleep overs, you would never allow your daughter to have one or ever want one in your home".
She would not give her consent and the sleep over did not happen.

thunderstorm

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 9:37 pm

amother wrote:

Did she specify the horrors? Because she may be referring to girls pranking each other with Truth and Dare games.
Or being a bit hyper and wild, staying up until 5 am...

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 9:51 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Did she specify the horrors? Because she may be referring to girls pranking each other with Truth and Dare games.
Or being a bit hyper and wild, staying up until 5 am...

Oh no, she wasn't referring to the typicals of staying up all night or being hyper etc. etc
She meant serious things.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 10:00 pm

amother wrote:

Such as? I don’t get it and went on many sleepovers as a kid.

thunderstorm

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 10:09 pm

amother wrote:

Oh no, she wasn't referring to the typicals of staying up all night or being hyper etc. etc
She meant serious things.

Like girls watching bad stuff? Boys and girls getting together? Girls touching each other? What was she referring to? The reason why I'm asking is because sometimes principals like to control their students and its not always a good thing.
My sisters principal didn't allow friends to come to our house for Shabbos because our parents were divorced. My sister went OTD a few years later because of this. Principals "decide" things and I want to know what her reasoning was in this instance so that I could understand this.
I for one learned and saw so much beauty in other families because I had that opportunity of studying and sleeping over at friends and spending time with their families.
Does that mean people don't allow their daughters to go away for Shabbos? Or in highschool when classes get divided into groups to sleep over at different places , for a Shabbaton , they don't go?

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Oct 18 2018, 10:14 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I would believe that she was referring to the type of things you mentioned above plus stuff even worse. I know of a story where a girl had to go for an abortion after a sleep over story.