Shiva visit | Imamother

amother

cornflower

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 9:28 am

Since my little son was diagnosed with cancer, I quit levayas & shiva calls. I only want to go to simchas. Some of people that my kid played with in hosp playroom are gone....maybe it's about my own feelings....or I just don't know what to say to a mom that just lost her little kid.....I know I'm wrong because if I got close to the family because we were in same boat....

PinkFridge

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 9:40 am

amother wrote:

May you see yeshuos and refuah shleimah, and marvelous shlichim and hashgacha on your journey.
I assume you've checked out Chai Lifeline and Kids Kicking Cancer?

amother

Teal

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 9:52 am

dankbar wrote:

She sounds like she has social anxiety. I would suggest then, that either you go along with someone or you call her on the phone.

Not diagnosed but to a degree I do. I would definitely only go with someone. The question was if I could go without saying the pasuk.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 9:59 am

I am involved with diff org.....thats why I am saying that I get to know other people going thru same, by events....or get to know ones in same hospital as my child....we become like one family.....so when there is a loss.....its difficult for all of us going thru.....its like we lost a family member.....I am shattered when I hear such news...the images of these little kids don't go out of my mind.....but I can't bring myself to go to levaya or shiva. Being that we end up being close....I know it's wrong....because they need the support from people who they got support from till then.....& understand everything they've been thru until that point

amother

cornflower

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 10:06 am

When I sat shiva as teen for my father.....with every person that walked thru the room.....I felt who else did I havta pain.....& be matriach....

Close people I wanted there.....but random people....

Also my classmates were highly innappropiate.....every kid that walked thru the door was jumping to the roof....in excitement for our first classmate who got engaged.....

amother

cornflower

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 10:11 am

amother wrote:

Not diagnosed but to a degree I do. I would definitely only go with someone. The question was if I could go without saying the pasuk.

The other person can say the posuk, and you nod along....or you just add your own quick comment.....you will see there....u might surprise yourself that you could say.....

amother

Teal

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 10:33 am

dankbar wrote:

Is this first time you are going on a shiva call?

No, it’s not. But it’s a particularly awkward one for me. More so than usual.

mommyhood

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 10:36 am

amother wrote:

The avel is over 40 years my senior. Just the going is difficult for me and standing and saying the pasuk is ten times harder. She is fully aware of these facts and I do believe she would appreciate that I came, knowing how hard it is for me, and she would understand if I conveyed the message via text or not at all. Just last week she made a phone call for me to a store because it was too difficult for me to call. So no explanation is necessary on my part. The question is whether not going and just texting would be the correct thing or going but not saying the pasuk and maybe texting it instead is more correct.

Are you comfortable speaking to this person one on one? I would say go pay a shiva call and if you're not going to speak or say the passuk call AFTER shiva so she knows you wanted to properly express yourself but couldn't in that situation.

amother

Teal

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 10:45 am

mommyhood wrote:

Honestly, she knows me well enough to understand that on her own. No explanation would be needed. I think I will go, not say the pasuk but also not text. Thanks everyone

Iymnok

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 10:48 am

Hand her a letter and say, "may Hashem comfort you". Mumble it if you have to, that’s better than nothing and your real wishes are in the card.

fbmommy

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 10:55 am

It might be easier to wait until someone else gets up to leave and says the posuk. You can go up and just say it right after them. It may be easier if you wait for a group of 2 or 3 pple to leave together and just say it right after them.

amother

Black

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 12:15 pm

amother wrote:

Honestly, she knows me well enough to understand that on her own. No explanation would be needed. I think I will go, not say the pasuk but also not text. Thanks everyone

I think this is a perfect solution.

Miri7

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 1:31 pm

amother wrote:

Honestly, she knows me well enough to understand that on her own. No explanation would be needed. I think I will go, not say the pasuk but also not text. Thanks everyone

Write it on a card. Go, make the shiva call, then leave the card. MUCH BETTER than a text! My MIL kept all of the cards she received following the death of her mother.

She will appreciate that you showed up and you will have no pressure to say the formula.

(If you can't write the hebrew yourself, then ask someone to write it for you.) Then you can sign it.

perquacky

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 1:37 pm

Is saying "hamakom" part of the actual mitzvah of menachem availim? Or is just going to the shiva house enough?

I don't know the answer. But if reciting the words ISN'T part of the mitzvah, then what's wrong with going and not saying anything at all? And not texting the line.

Go, sit for a while, then leave. I think that's better than not going at all. And then text later just to say that you're sorry for her loss.

I think telling someone who clearly is uncomfortable reciting the words that they should do it anyway is not being helpful at all.

amother

Teal

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 2:11 pm

I’m definitely not saying it. I’m not able to. I don’t think I’m going to write it either. But based on feedback it seems that text is inappropriate. So either I will rely on the person I go with saying or I will just not say anything.

perquacky

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 2:15 pm

amother wrote:

Do what you're comfortable with. Paying a shiva call should not be a supremely uncomfortable experience. I'm fairly certain you'll still get credit for the mitzvah just for showing up.

doodlesmom

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 4:34 pm

You can use the Yiddish verse " zolst mer nisht vissen fin tzar ".
You can go and not say the possum
You can go and text after you leave that you couldn't bring yourself to say it in public but.....

amother

Puce

Tue, Oct 23 2018, 4:39 pm

I sat shiva twice... I don't think anyone will notice if you walk out without saying it.
it's not a halacha just a nice thing but totally not a must... if you have social anxiety and feel like you won't feel comfortable telling her what you want to text her an hour or two later that you wud have loved to say ..... but didnt feel comfortable so you are texting it...