Bar Mitzvah Cost - Lakewood

amother

Green

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 12:25 pm

I made a bar mitzvah in Lkwd a couple years ago for our oldest son. Between all the costs, it was probably just under $8000. And we have a small family and went cheap on the band, photographer, etc. We got my son expensive tefillin (don't know the details but my husband wanted this) and that was a huge chunk. And then, each thing adds up even if you go simple. It was similar in scale to the rest of the boys in his class, nothing unusual in either direction. We had saved up for a while and were gifted some $ by grandparents. As our family grows, I wish we would have simplified even more, because I would want to do the same for all our kids and as expenses grow, e/thing gets harder... My sister in law's first bar mitzvah was lavish to the extreme, and several sons down the road, it was so very noticeably different and I felt bad for that child whose affair was so downscaled. So that's something to keep in mind as you plan.

DVOM

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 12:28 pm

Mommyg8 wrote:

Many schools have a rule that the friends cannot come to a night affair. To make this rule more palatable for the parents, they often offer a party in yeshiva with all the arrangements done by the yeshiva. We found this to be really quite reasonably priced and we got a lot of bang for our buck, as they say. All my boys' yeshiva parties were absolutely beautiful and we were very happy with this option. But again, this depends on the school.

If your son was born in August and yeshiva did not yet start then I guess you won't have this option.

Many people I know have done just a kiddush, and it's totally fine. At least in my circles.

Hope I answered your questions!

Really helpful, thanks!

I think friends are allowed to be invited at my sons school.

It's going to be hard to figure out what to do. My husband's family is Israeli and his parents are not able to travel, so if we do all our bar mitzvah celebrations here, they wouldn't be able to come. I'm guessing we might do just a Kiddush here, with family coming from out of town for the Shabbos meals, and then go to Israel for the summer to spend time with my husbands family. I wonder what my son will want to do though. If we do the Kiddush/Israel combo most of his friends would not be able to come because they're not in walking distance.

DVOM

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 12:31 pm

amother wrote:

Very good point. I have four boys, and I'd want to do things on the same scale for all of them. They're all about two years apart, which has us making a bar mitzvah every other year for 8 years! I'm not sure how we're going to pull this off!

amother

Green

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 12:32 pm

The boys sleep over at classmates houses and walk to each other's kiddushes if they're not close enough. Its a fun year. Also, the boys have donuts at school when they put on tefillin, so that can become a special friends celebration if you would want to make it into something a bit bigger.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 12:38 pm

A few of my friends in Lakewood recently made bar mitzvahs, and they all did it differently.
Most schools have a rule that boys classmates cannot go to the evening event.

- one friend made a huge over the top shabbos, catered meals with friends and family and a huge kiddush, but no weeknight affair

- one friend made no shabbos except the boy got an Aliya, but they made a big weeknight affair for their friends and family

- another friend took her son to Israel, just bar mitzvah boy and parents, and made a small kiddush in Shul, no out of town guests and no weeknight affair

- another friend hosted and self catered kiddush in her home and had a small weeknight affair

- last friend made a beautiful catered weeknight meal in her home, for adult close relatives, only grandparents and parents siblings only. No friends and no children.

There are many different ways to celebrate a bar mitzvah, see what works for you and your budget.

Personally I don’t enjoy going to weeknight bar mitzvahs, and think it’s a waste of money. I will not be making one for my son, his friends can’t join anyway!

sky

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 12:46 pm

My DH family and our neghberhood is pretty low key so I’m lucky I can follow those trends:

Weekday party on actual day just for aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and parent’s cousins. (And some friends that are like family). No major photographer, centerpieces, or band. Beautiful but simple.

Shabbos kiddush - very simple.

Shabbos meals for grandparents and out of town guests and cousins that are same age.

My son’s school does not allow friends to family parties. And most if they make a weekday event just skip the school event.

Last edited by sky on Wed, Oct 24 2018, 12:49 pm; edited 1 time in total

sky

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 12:49 pm

DVOM wrote:

My friend was in a similar position. They flew to Israel and had the seuda there with their Israeli family.
In America they had a small kiddush with out of town guests for meals on Shabbos and she made a school party for school friends.
She said she thinks it came out cheaper (and more special) in the end.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Oct 25 2018, 8:38 am

amother wrote:

The only thing halachically required is that the boy gets an Aliyah and makes the bracha. That's it, really!!! (And even that isn't technically required, his status automatically changed once he turns 13.)
The rest is just how customs/celebrations have developed through the years.

I will be asking a rav to clarify but I heard that the boy must have a seudas mitzva on the day he turns 13.

doctorima

Thu, Oct 25 2018, 10:14 am

I don't think it's something he "must" do, so much as that's the ideal time to make the seudas mitzvah. If there are other extenuating circumstances that require it to be made at a different time, that may override, but check with a Rav what's best to do in your case.