S/O very difficult parent

amother

Crimson

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 1:42 pm

There have been a few threads in the past few weeks (and more specifically the one now about the woman with a difficult mother) that have been painful to read. I'm young, my kids are babies, I love them with all my heart and give my all to them. But I'm so imperfect, as humans are, and it's scary to think that one day, it could be my baby posting about how she can't deal with her mother.
I'm not at all invalidating the very legitimate feelings of that poster but for myself I'm worrying a lot. Every mother loves her children. We carried them for nine months throwing up and waddling uncomfortably. We stayed up nights and nights with teething and sleep issues. We give up our passions so we can dedicate ourselves to our children. How does it happen that when those children grow up they can't have a relationship with their mother? And as a mother, how do I raise my children in a way that such things don't happen even though I make mistakes?
Pardon my rambling, it just makes me emotional to look at my kids and wonder how to make sure they always know how much I love them.

amother

Azure

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 1:59 pm

amother wrote:

I can only answer from my own experiences. My mother is an extremely difficult person. That's being diplomatic. Why do we all put effort into having a close/ good relationship with her anyhow? Because we saw growing up the extreme kibbud av v'em she had for her parents. It was boundless. We admire that so much about her. And we all want that she should have that from us because she deserves it. Even being so very difficult.

Edited to add: The point is, we have to model the positive relationship with our parents and ILs. And then I believe they will feel the desire to have that with us too when they grow up. And if we can do our best to always be very loving and not so difficult, wow, how wonderful will our relationships be then!

esuss

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 2:08 pm

I have similar feelings as does the OP of this thread in regards to the previous mentioned threads. This has been bothering me also recently.

We have to make sure that our children don't grow up feeling entitled and spoiled and then not wanting to help parents when needed.

I read somewhere that by parents modeling how they take care of their own parents shows their own children how to care for them in their old age.

Children have to be taught that they have to respect their parents and obey them. This doesn't mean that they have to be harsh, critical, punished, etc or anything along these lines. Parents have to show their children that they love them will do anything to protect and care for them, show an interest in child's interests. Give the child independence etc. but at the same time expect that the children respect them as their parents.

amother

Crimson

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 2:12 pm

Another element which I neglected to mention in the OP is that many of the parenting practices mentioned in these threads were completely normal for my mother to do and I consider them to be perfectly acceptable. I think my mother did an excellent job raising us and I hope to be half as great as her but things that posters mention as dysfunctional or negative parenting are things she did and posters blame these practices for their negative feelings towards their mothers.
I'm trying to figure out how my mother did it and I think she was totally right and these mothers did it and their children hate them for it.

amother

Coffee

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 2:35 pm

amother wrote:

If this is what you are thinking now, and you do right by them, with hashems help your relationship will do just fine.

Mistakes are ok.
We are all human. I just barked at my kids to go downstairs and play because I needed to eat without half a dozen hands in my food. I'm pregnant and felt like passing out.
(They already had supper. But if mommy eats the same food, they still want mine)
I'm proud of it? No.
Did I think what I'll do next time so it doesn't get to it that I feel so shvach and yell? Of course!
In 15 years from now this won't make a difference. (Unless it happens often)
It's not the little mistakes my mother made.

It's the overall additute.
To give you a glimpse, she has said it a few times when my father told her she can't boss us around like that (as kids and even as ADULTS)she said "if I can't do whatever I want with them, why did I have them?"
She didn't bother cooking for me. Many days I went to bed hungry. And erev yomtov I was a slave litterally working 24 hour shifts to help create her perfect yom tov....
Need I go on?
No, my kid's don't see me talk, interact or cater to her. She is still toxic. And at this time, is not a part of our life.

I hope my kids will have a relationship with me when they grow up.

But if chv, something where to happen, I would ask myslef, where did "I" go wrong. What can I do to fix it.

My kids are still little.
I love them more than life itself.

I am amazed at how EASY to is to let children grow into little individual poeple, as soon as you take yourself out of the equation.

If only she hadn't been so selfish, she'd be able to see what an amazing person I am growing into now. Together with my children (with me doing the 21 years after them. Lol)

So, not all mothers are as loving as you might hope. Some have children for reasons other than creating a life to love, nurture, nourish, and guide.

amother

Gold

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 2:48 pm

I'm OP of that thread & I'll just share with you a conversation I had with my DIL. I was telling her that DH & I are looking into long term care insurance to make sure there will be enough money to take care of us because I see how hard it is to get good help for my parents. (If I could pay more I'd get better help? I wish...)

Anyhow, she said, "Mommy, why do you need that? Of course we're going to take care of you!" (Although, remember, a DIL or even a grandchild don't have the same baggage a child has.) But, I told her, I don't want you changing my diapers and you don't want to either, so that's why you need to be able to hire help if ch"v we need it.

I hope we are not the kind of parents that my parents were, and therefore my kids won't have the issues I have.

All you youngsters out there, as long as you are giving your kids what they need, are not wrapped up in yourself, and, if you have mental health or emotional issues, are working on them (with professional help or by learning mussar, whatever it takes) and realizing that other people have needs and feelings and yours are not all that count... etc... I bentch you that you will never be in that position.

amother

Red

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 2:48 pm

Thank you coffee for explaining.

But sometimes good parents get treated this way. I have a friend who was complaining about her mother and about how she was raised (quite a few friends, actually). I know her mother- I know she made mistakes, but she is a good person and probably did a lot of good things for her children as well. Every mother does. I know this woman and she is a really good person.

Women can often be under tremendous stress when their children are growing up, and especially in those days when women were taught that birth control is not allowed, may had money issues or other issues, and there werent really any parenting classes, either. Women winged it, and often did the wrong thing.

I'm sure that all these mothers really loved and still love their children, and I feel sad for them that their children are so angry at them for the things they did wrong. Every mother does plenty of things right - why can't this woman focus on that?

southernbubby

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 3:29 pm

amother wrote:

Even kind and loving parents can sometime unconsciously play favorites and cause anger and jealousy. There is also the kid who feels that the parent could and should do more for them. You see it on here frequently where people are upset that the parents won't help enough financially or are guilty of spending more on a sibling's kids etc. The kids may not see the challenge until their own kids are grown. I couldn't tolerate my MIL until I became one.

amother

Wine

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 4:19 pm

Hey everyone -

The OP of another thread that was complaining about a difficult mother. . well, look. She explained that her mother is borderline. I think that's an exceptional case. We're not talking about average mother-daughter relationships.

I know someone who is borderline, and dealing with her is impossible. It gets to the point where any capitulation of boundaries lead to disaster. I thought I was going to be Henny Machlis once and have her for shabbos. Never again. She ended up eating a lot of the food I was going to serve in the middle of the night. And other things. It's like they're a black hole and nothing can fill them. You try and you give and you put yourself out, and most of the time, they need more and more. So that woman feels like she can't even unlock her door to her house to let her in to fax something. I didn't use to understand that mindset, now I do. Distance and boundaries are key, as awful as they appear to others.

That being said. I have difficult parents, true, but I know that my job is to just shut up and do what it is that they want from me. When I've tried to ask a Rav for advice on how to deal with them, I've been actually getting more of "oh, they're so hard, don't work so hard to please them." Or "you don't have to do anything for them, you do enough." In my heart of hearts, I know that's wrong, and it surprises me how much traction this notion has these days.

I think the scariest thing is that my parents don't realize they can be difficult. And that might be me some day! I don't know how to avoid all the pitfall of making someone upset at me, and I hope I strike the right balance now and in the future.

southernbubby

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 4:38 pm

amother wrote:

Exactly! Most people don't realize how difficult they are.

amother

Purple

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 4:45 pm

amother wrote:

similar sit in my family. Dread my mom's criticism when she comes next week. I really want to model kibud eim but it's so hard

southernbubby

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 4:48 pm

amother wrote:

And how did that make it ok? Will I pour my whole physical and emotional being into my children only to be told at age 60 that they resent me for one thing or another?

They may resent you for one thing or another but if you loved them then they will love you. When you go to a levayah, and listen to the eulogies, you hear the children asking mechila because they didn't always get along with, or respect the parents, even if they basically loved them. Sometimes they are mature enough to understand that we all have our struggles in life and maybe we come out on top and maybe we continue to struggle.

amother

Gold

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:02 pm

Quote:

But sometimes good parents get treated this way. I have a friend who was complaining about her mother and about how she was raised (quite a few friends, actually). I know her mother- I know she made mistakes, but she is a good person and probably did a lot of good things for her children as well. Every mother does. I know this woman and she is a really good person.

Honey, you only know what you see. Some people are very talented at putting up a good front to outsiders.

Everyone who meets my mother tells me how adorable, charming and sweet she is. Yes. To you.

amother

Crimson

Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:03 pm

southernbubby wrote:

I find this so disheartening. I might not be the most respectful daughter but I don't resent anything about my mother. Do I have to wait til I'm gone to know that my children felt my love?