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At my wits end
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 1:55 pm
I'm at my wits end with my 3.5 your old.

It's been over a year of this.

When we leave, she'll refuse to put on her coat, and fight me if I come close to her with her coat. If she's finally wearing her coat she'll refuse to leave the house or get into the car...... or get out of the car......
In the morning or before bed she refuses to go to the bathroom. Has a million and one reasons why.
She'll sit by supper (when she's actually sitting) and refuse to eat. Just because. Even if it's her favorite food.
When it's time for bath she'll refuse to get in. Then when it's time to get out, refuse to get out. Even after the water goes cold. So I screw off the drain, she'll put her hands over the hole. And when the water is gone yell she's freezing but STILL refuse to come out. And ask for more warm water.
She'll refuse to get into her bed. And crawl into her sisters pushing her sister out of her own bed.
Refuse to put on her shoes when it's time to leave, or her crocs when she gets home.
Say "no" to saying shma.
No to clean up. No to putting away her dirty laundry.
No to EVERYTHING.
Refuse refuse refuse.

In someone else's house she'll behave. She's so easy. Go along with whatever. But at home, she has this need.
She'll just do as she pleases. Like lay between my legs and rip my hem. "I'm allowed to. I'm a baby"
I can go on and on and on.

For example, yestersay morning she refused to use the bathroom. She ended up going to school without using the bathroom. She said she already went "a thousand times" and that she doesn't need..... so I just let it go (for the first time) of course she made wet.... she sad the teacher changed her. Was perfectly content. She couldn't care less!
At night I started putting her in the toilet an hour or so after she fell asleep.
Last night she told me she doesn't need, and I should put her back into bed (I have lifted her. Most nights she sort of sleeps thru it.) I told her I'll put her on the toilet and as soon as she's don't I'll put her back to bed. As soon as I put her on the toilet she made.

Today, she refused to eat supper. The kids were done and she still hasn't eaten. I told her I'll count to 10 and by 10 she has to finish a certain piece of chicken, she finally started eating. Then said it's yummy. Its her favorite tyoe of chicken. Litterally her most favirite food! But as soon as everyone was done and got up and away from the table she just ran off even though we were having a conversation.

I let so many things slide. Like not cleaning up, shma, put away diety laundry. I can't fight all day but when it's time to leave, you need to actually LEAVE THE HOUSE!
Mostly, distraction is the best tool. And she IS just a little toddler.
But lately I feel like I can't deal with this anymore. She'll be 4 soon. When will this stage pass???
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 4:24 pm
sounds like a perfect candidate for nutured heart approach
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Queen6




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:17 pm
For sure take a parenting course and follow it. Posting on Imamother is not going to work. I would try Sari Yaraslowitz Are Your Hands Full? You can make an appointment to see her privately as well?
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simba




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:23 pm
Oh boy do I have a shidduch for her. My amazingly charming and beautiful 4 year old son!
Need a pic or us ready for a chuppa and shop them off?! They can refuse everything together!
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:28 pm
simba wrote:
Oh boy do I have a shidduch for her. My amazingly charming and beautiful 4 year old son!
Need a pic or us ready for a chuppa and shop them off?! They can refuse everything together!
lol!!

my toddlers are the same. Strict routines as consistency are important.

I consider dinner optional as long as they had breakfast and lunch. If they refuse I offer a sandwich.

They eat better walking around than sitting down. That might help you.

Early bedtime really helps my patience. Knowing it will be over soon.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:49 pm
amother wrote:
sounds like a perfect candidate for nutured heart approach


I'll try that with her. I want to order the book on amazon. There are so many options. Can you help me out here? Thank you!
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:50 pm
Queen6 wrote:
For sure take a parenting course and follow it. Posting on Imamother is not going to work. I would try Sari Yaraslowitz Are Your Hands Full? You can make an appointment to see her privately as well?


Oh I know posting here won't help. But it does help giving off the steam so I can put her to bed in a kind loving way!

I have Sarah yaraslowitz's book.
I like some of what she says. But I don't agree with evertrhing. I've tried it. And the backfired in other ways. But I do like rereading it to nosh some tips and tricks. Also to keep reminding me of what is age appropriate and what is not.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:52 pm
I wonder if maybe it would be better if you did not let things slide. If she is testing you. Maybe being more assertive would be better for her. I was having similar issues with my son until I became more assertive. In a loving way but business like and no negative attention. Negative behaviour is ignored. Positive behavior rewarded.

Could be I am completely off target and your situation is completely different. Think about if it fits before anything.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 5:57 pm
simba wrote:
Oh boy do I have a shidduch for her. My amazingly charming and beautiful 4 year old son!
Need a pic or us ready for a chuppa and shop them off?! They can refuse everything together!


I'm not ready to marry her off yet.
I'm too selfish. With all that she brings too much joy into my life. And when she wakes up in the morning all warm and fuzzy. That smile and hug and slobbery kiss.... I'm not ready to give that up just yet. Maybe when she turns 6 and gets to that annoying stage.... but hey, by then I hope she won't be like this anymore.....

I might be giving myself away here but lately she's been busy with "rhyms"
"Totty' drawer, momm's drawer, it rhymes!" "Big tire, small tire, it rhymes!"
She also claims that her tiny hands are bigger than mine cuz she folds her tiny fingers over the tip of mine. Rolling Laughter

This kid is something else.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 6:09 pm
amother wrote:
I'll try that with her. I want to order the book on amazon. There are so many options. Can you help me out here? Thank you!


I highly recommend doing a workshop or class if you can.

I have "Transforming the Intense Child Workbook" which is a good introduction to NH.

hatzlocho!
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 6:09 pm
ectomorph wrote:
lol!!

my toddlers are the same. Strict routines as consistency are important.

I consider dinner optional as long as they had breakfast and lunch. If they refuse I offer a sandwich.

They eat better walking around than sitting down. That might help you.

Early bedtime really helps my patience. Knowing it will be over soon.


I've noticed that a about routine. We are very into routine here. Not getting into bed is not an option. bedtime is bedtime. She always still tries, and I've once cuddled her up on the floor next to her bed. It was lights out and so night happened..... she still gives me a little shpeil EVERY NIGHT. but eventually gets into bed. Also, she doesn't want to miss out on me singing to her. Soooo if all else fails, I tell her I won't sing to her....

With meals, she's in school for the 5 hours when breakfast and lunch happens.... she wakes up so late before her bus. And like me doesn't like eating first thing in the morning.

Every day she tells me that she had taffys and pasta for breakfast and lunch. Now go figure. My others I knew exactly what they ate, there were left overs on the clothing.... she, not so much.

So it's the only meal I know she's eating. And she's underweight as is. (My theory, she just burns all her calories before she gets to put on some. She does. Not. Stop. Moving. Kyh.

Walking around while eating, well, she wonders off and doesn't return! If she'd just walk around, then fine. Or she gets wild and runs around the wall between the two openings to the kitchen and grabs her food once or twice knocking everything over before starting to throw stuff down the stairs to the basement........ sandwiches would be a bracha but too much gluten gives her tummy aches. So I don't give her a slice of bread.

What else?
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 6:11 pm
amother wrote:
I highly recommend doing a workshop or class if you can.

I have "Transforming the Intense Child Workbook" which is a good introduction to NH.

hatzlocho!


Thank you! Where can I find out if there are any in my area?
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 6:52 pm
she sounds a tad oppositional. Maybe consider researching how to work with a child with oppositional behaviors? Sometimes if you change your approach it goes far in these cases.

By the way, I'm not diagnosing. I believe that all people are able to grow and change and the picture you describe is a momentary snapshot. I'm only mentioning oppositional behaviors (thinking of oppositional defiant disorder ODD) because it's similar to the picture you painted in that moment. If you do research on how those behaviors are addressed, and change your approach, you might be able to see some improvement.

Also, not blaming at all! We as parents always need to adjust our approach to work with our children as they need for that moment...
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 7:39 pm
Sounds like a gilgul of my pregnant, married to a spectacular guy, 24 year old daughter. A spirited child if you ever saw one. (Read the book The Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka Sheehy)Looking back, she was ODD, sensory, probably a touch ADHd, and had a receptive and expressive language issue. She is now a very successful adult and we get along great but we went through hell with her.

Having said that, get a good evaluation first. We went around in circle forever and it did damage and never got a normal diagnosis or guidance.
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simba




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 7:45 pm
amother wrote:
I'm not ready to marry her off yet.
I'm too selfish. With all that she brings too much joy into my life. And when she wakes up in the morning all warm and fuzzy. That smile and hug and slobbery kiss.... I'm not ready to give that up just yet. Maybe when she turns 6 and gets to that annoying stage.... but hey, by then I hope she won't be like this anymore.....

I might be giving myself away here but lately she's been busy with "rhyms"
"Totty' drawer, momm's drawer, it rhymes!" "Big tire, small tire, it rhymes!"
She also claims that her tiny hands are bigger than mine cuz she folds her tiny fingers over the tip of mine. Rolling Laughter

This kid is something else.


Oh yes, I agree. He is the sweetest little boy when he is not being naughty!
I have to catch those moments and savor them, they fly!
I think he would treat a girl very well though. He is extremely kind and sensitive and always complimenting what I wear. He just may not be around when your daughter is 6!

Good luck OP, they are yummy and challenging. As mentioned upthread, routine routine routine...and consistency.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 9:01 pm
simba wrote:
Oh boy do I have a shidduch for her. My amazingly charming and beautiful 4 year old son!
Need a pic or us ready for a chuppa and shop them off?! They can refuse everything together!

Rolling Laughter
And what happens if they refuse the shidduch together?
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Oct 24 2018, 9:04 pm
These kids who behave like yours are gems! Really. Take a workshop or two to help you out, and your life will be thoroughly enriched. May you have lots of nachas!
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Thu, Oct 25 2018, 12:24 am
ODD


Oppositional defiant disorder
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Thu, Oct 25 2018, 4:16 am
amother wrote:
Thank you! Where can I find out if there are any in my area?


on the NHA website they have online classes (https://childrenssuccessfoundation.com/exploring-nha/) and a list of trainers (https://childrenssuccessfoundation.com/find-a-trainer/).
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amother
Plum


 

Post Fri, Oct 26 2018, 7:53 am
amother wrote:
on the NHA website they have online classes (https://childrenssuccessfoundation.com/exploring-nha/) and a list of trainers (https://childrenssuccessfoundation.com/find-a-trainer/).



Thank you!
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