Very difficult child

amother

Lawngreen

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 7:52 pm

Please only respond if you understand what if is like to have a very challenging child. We have a VERY difficult 4 year old with some developmental delays due to prematurity. The biggest struggle we have with him is his behavior. He DOES NOT LISTEN. We could be giving him a treat, for example, and he’ll say “I want the whole bag” and literally throw a fit if we say he could only have one. He throws a fit any time it is time to go home even after a long day dedicated to fun activities that he enjoyed. He takes toys out of his baby brothers hands constantly causing him to cry. He does NOT learn from consequences!!! We give him time outs and he screams and cries, promises not to do it again, and then he does! We’ve tried reward charts etc., he throws them on the floor or tears them up. I lose my patience with him ALL THE TIME. I am so in love with him and proud of him for all of his accomplishments but I really cannot handle his behavior. I go to sleep at night just wanting to not wake up because I feel like a failure every single day.

amother

Copper

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:06 pm

Op I don’t have advice for you because my child had very different difficulties, but I just wanted to say that why you wrote about not wanting to wake up resonates with me.

So many nights I went to sleep crying because of this child. And so many mornings I woke up in such despair feeling like a failure, even though my other children were perfectly behaved kids. But nothing was worth it if he made me feel like that every day.

Things changed after much work on our part, (books, professional advice, therapy, etc).
It’s been a few years, and he’s still challenging, but know that it gets better.
I’m much more confident today and handle him a lot better bh.

amother

Cerulean

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:06 pm

I had a son who displayed similar behaviors. He was not premature but did have severe speech and language delays. I believe he is not fully understanding you. Eg. He saw the bag and misunderstood he thought he would get the whole bag as a prize. He didn't understand consequences well either. Also needed time to get used to leaving park - try telling him before its time to leave "in 5 minutes it will be time to go home." Some of this he will outgrow with growing up but he may need speech therapy and special Ed help if he is not getting it yet.

amother

Lawngreen

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:16 pm

amother wrote:

We’ve tried that and always give him warnings and make sure he understands our expectations prior. He says he does but obviously doesn’t. He gets all therapies.

oneofakind

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:49 pm

If he's not understanding then you need to adjust your expectations. Make very few understandable rules. Respond to his temper tantrums with calm, support (I know, easier said then done) but think of it like a young child from a different country who doesn't understand your rules or language. He needs soothing from you and learn eventually to self soothe. Make sure he's getting the best language therapy you can afford.

amother

Lawngreen

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 9:53 pm

Thank you, I really need advice on how to respond with more calmness. My patience with him is So frequently tested I have almosr no time to think straight when I’m with him. When this child behaves, I literally have to remind myself to breath and enjoy the few seconds of peace.

oneofakind

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 10:46 pm

Would you get upset with a child who Chas VaShalom has a physical handicap and tantrums because he gets frustrated? He's a rachmanus. Take care of yourself very well-this is a very difficult situation.

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Oct 27 2018, 11:17 pm

My DD used to be SO difficult. I would cry myself to sleep many nights. Everything I did, never had any effect.

Then she matured. She still has her challenges, but she is such a joy in my life.

I think the biggest difference for me was when I decided I would love her no matter what. Just keep loving her. That was so, so hard for me but I kept working at it. I learned not to take her behavior personally. To recognize that her choices are her own, that she has to live with those consequences. That her behavior isn't my fault. Once I internalized that I was able to separate her from her behavior, and things began to turn around.

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Oct 28 2018, 8:08 am

amother wrote:

Thank you, I’m happy to hear that your daughter matured. I don’t think I have a problem loving my son, I love him more than words could describe especially after everything he went through from being born so early. I become extremely frustrated with his behavior not only because of how it affects our family, but also with how it negatively affects him. I become anxious thinking about how he’s going to get through school with such negative impulsive behavior, how it affects him socially, etc. and then my anxiety causes me to lose patience with him even more.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Oct 28 2018, 8:54 am

What helped me stay calm, was to try and put myself in DD's shoes. Look through her eyes, and imagine I had her limited understanding of the world. Imagine how scared, confused, or frustrated she must feel at the moment.

That gives me the sympathy I need to not get angry. It must be really hard for your son, so have some pity on him. He just can't help it.

Check with your local Children's Hospital, and see if they offer parenting classes for difficult children. Because of his medical history you might be able to get them for free. It's worth looking into.

(DD is 15 now, and still has meltdowns. I use the same technique so that I don't strangle her when she loses it.)