It's hard helping my SIL

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amother

Slategray

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 9:14 am

As a favor I watch my SIL's baby (who's not really a baby anymore, she's 2) every morning, 5 days a week, for 45 minutes before playgroup. I drive her to playgroup. SIL starts work earlier than playgroup starts, so this helps her a lot.

It's getting harder to do this chesed. SIL rarely says thank you. She's always stressed rushing around (large family) and I feel she takes me for granted. I work from home and have always been here in the past for her. Her kids are pretty aggressive kids who destroy toys and answer back. There are no rules in their house. The 2-year-old is now doing this as well. She's very cute but so annoying with not respecting my kids' stuff, whining, being chutzpahdik, thinking the world revolves around her. I spoke sharply to her today that we don't do that in my house (after she potched me because I told her no when she wanted a different box of toys that were upstairs). It stopped her for 10 minutes, then she was back to her old ways.

I'm not looking to invest any chinuch energy into this child. Honestly it's a waste of time since her house is run differently. Her older siblings are turning out okay now that they're teenagers and realizing they need to be mentchlich or they won't have friends, so I'm sure she'll turn out okay too. Just it's annoying dealing with her behavior every day and going out in the cold to drop her off, and feeling like SIL doesn't realize what a favor I'm doing her.

Not looking for advice, just looking to vent. Mad

octopus

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 9:23 am

Wow. That's a really big favor that you do. It's terrible that she doesn't appreciate you enough! You really are a wonderful person. Not many people would do this day in and out . That takes real commitment.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 9:27 am

If you feel like you can't do it anymore, talk to your SIL about getting a sitter. Dont force yourself to do it because you want to be nice, than you'll end up resenting SIL & her kids.

zaq

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 9:35 am

Are you sure you want to continue? It’s one thing to help out now and then in an emergency, but this is an enormous commitment of time and energy. If it is no longer working for you, as appears to be the case, you should feel no guilt about discontinuing the service—even more so as your sil doesn’t even thank you! Not that you’re doing it for the thanks, but neither do you have to be a doormat.

In any event, you didn’t sign up for this role forever. When you started it was working for you, now it’s not, your sil will just have to make other arrangements just like all the other moms out there who don’t have obliging sisters in law nearby.

Or you can start charging your sil for your service, which IMHO you should have done from the outset. Then at least she might appreciate what you do.

amother

Slategray

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 9:47 am

They don't have any money. It's not an option for them to get a sitter or to pay me (not that I would take money from family, I wouldn't feel right). I'm stuck with this until she's 3.

It helps to hear other people acknowledge that I'm doing a chesed for SIL, lol! It cheers me up to read your posts. Smile

Thank you!

Chayalle

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 9:51 am

I'm in a similar but different position - I watch my nephew every day from around 4 p.m. - which is right when I end work myself and his daycare ends - till his Mommy gets home - roughly an hour. However my sister and BIL express their appreciation often, all the time.... and my nephew is Heaven on this earth (I miss him right now) which kind of helps matters, too.

It isn't always easy because it's when I'm making supper, or trying to anyway, but I think it's so good for my family, and that's the reason I offered to do it in the first place (I think it's really good for my 10-year-old's chinuch and development). I also think it's really good for my kids to see us doing favors for others. And you never know when you need a favor from someone - what goes around comes around...years ago, DH's Chavrusah's wife used to watch DD for me.

My nephew is 15 months old, so age might be key....he's just starting with these funny things called tantrums if he doesn't get his way (his parents do not feel that he should be getting his way. Tantrums is just part of the age) and he's also become more mobile, so we need to watch him more (he thinks it's really funny to go upstairs when I'm downstairs...). My kitchen cabinets are also free-territory, in his opinion....

OP, it's quite possible that your SIL really does appreciate it, she's just stressed. If you feel taken for granted, though, then communication is the key. It is possible that your SIL has no idea that this actually takes a chunk out of our morning, and communicating that to her might help matters.

Beyond that, I think the question you might ask yourself is whether this is good for you and your family. Because you and your children should always be your highest priority.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 10:19 am

It’s not your problem they don’t have a money for a sitter. If it’s to hard for you stop doing it. Just tell her I’m giving you a weeks notice to find some other arrangement. This is t working for me anymore

amother

Bisque

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 10:25 am

what chayale said
she probably is overwhelmed and stressed
still can you let her know its being harder tho you are planning to continue?
at least open the convo and remind her gently whats involved?
and if she chooses to have another baby you don't have to sign up again or in another scenario
it is a huge chesed

abound

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 10:48 am

You are a very exceptional person and SIL for doing this. I think your SIL does really appreciate it. She probably thinks about it at odd times when she cannot just call you to thank you. The time she is dropping off her child is probably one of the most stressfull difficult moments of the day so you are seeing her at her worst. She for sure appreciates you.
Either way, Think how much you are doing this as a chessed, and one without returns, even Thank you. You will only grow from it.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 11:08 am

OP, it's not your issue that they dont have money for a sitter. It's her headache to make arrangements, not yours.
Maybe offer to do it twice a week & have her find someone else for the the rest of the week.

ectomorph

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 11:39 am

That's really nice of you. What a new beautiful chesed and chinuch for your older children

ShishKabob

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 1:05 pm

May Hashem repay you a thousand fold, and may you have lots of nachas from your children.
The world is supported from gemilas chesed. Thank you for taking part in holding up our world!

ahuva06

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 1:16 pm

Wow, wow, wow! Kol hakavod to you! I can imagine being supremely frustrated were I to be in your shoes! You must be quite the special person.

nechamashifra

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 1:26 pm

"hi sil, just wanted to give you a heads up that as of next Monday I won't be able to watch your lil ~~monster~~ peanut anymore."
That's all that needs to be said. No explanations, no trying to find her another solution. She'll find one herself (she found you after all).

And for all the above imamothers talking about gemilas chesed etc, op didn't mention that her sis was handicapped in any way bh, nor was she struck by sudden lightning that caused her to need the mercy of others ch'v

There's a big difference in doing a mitzvah and being taken advantage of.

ShishKabob

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 1:31 pm

nechamashifra wrote:

She actually did say she appreciates the acknowledgement.
Maybe if it would be you in the situation, you would want that type of advice that you gave.
We don't need to be struck by lightening to need mercy from others. We need mercy every single day, hopefully not from humans but from Hashem who is all merciful. And if we do need to come upon the mercy of others, hopefully it will be done graciously in a kind and generous manner.

Chayalle

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 1:35 pm

nechamashifra wrote:

Actually, no where does it say that the mitzvah of Gemillas Chesed only applies where there is an an earth shattering need.

We just learned, in this past week's Parsha, that our ancestor, Avraham Avinu, did Chessed with angels that did not need his help at all.

OP, be assured when you watch your niece that you are emulating our forefather, and that Hashem appreciates your sacrifice. You are getting a mitzvah for which we say every day in davening "Eilu D'varim Sh'ain Lahem Shiur".

amother

Copper

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 1:37 pm

Exactly what started out as a nice chesed....ended up her taking you for granted....being that you are doing it a while & every day...& never saying a word....lerfect arrangement on her part....being that you did it so graciously....she doesn't realize now how difficult it must be for you....

imasoftov

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 2:55 pm

Chayalle wrote:

We just learned, in this past week's Parsha, that our ancestor, Avraham Avinu, did Chessed with angels that did not need his help at all.

The angels didn't come back five days out of each meal week expecting more food. And according to Bereshit Rabba (brought by Rashi) two of them did good things for him.

Chayalle

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 3:00 pm

imasoftov wrote:

The angels didn't come back five days out of each meal week expecting more food. And according to Bereshit Rabba (brought by Rashi) two of them did good things for him.

Yes, but he did not do Chessed with them in order to receive in return, and he didn't check to see if they really, drastically needed that Chessed.

I learned that he wanted to do Chessed in order to emulate Hashem, who does Chessed with all of us. And that Chessed includes doing good to others. It doesn't have to be in a drastic situation.

You can do Chessed with the richest man in the universe, even if he can afford his own....it's still Chessed.

amother

Copper

Mon, Oct 29 2018, 3:22 pm

You should be doing chesed all the time with everyone....but not when it goes on her own or family's expense & then resenting doing it & resenting her family member....& not telling her....because she cant say no...then it's not a chesed anymore....to begrudgingly be beholden to her unappreciative sil & get potched up in the face from the kid & the kid breaking all her own kids toys....

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